The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Thanks to the Village @Owlunar @CheerBear @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Teej

My son is 16. He has struggled with anxiety and depression since he was 10. I sometimes feel like whatever bad stuff he’s going through gets projected onto me. Recently there’s been talk of ASD, specifically a pattern called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). This, at the same time as the down moods looking episodic, would explain a lot, though it doesn’t really help me see a way forward

Hi @frog

My son was 16 when things became really bad - this is a tough age - they are too young to be out on their own and it's hard yards at home

I don't know what ASD or PDA are - I guess he is trying to avoid tension by hiding in his room etc - and that is no way for him to live - it must be lonely and empty living that way - boring too - and I am sure you know this

These forums often peer group support but we can only go so far because we need to be anonymous so I suggest you find peer group help in your community as well - I did - it was a long time ago before the internet so I searched everywhere - perhaps the searching itself helped - who knows

But I really feel for you - I believe my son had BDP - he did not see that other people had barriers themselves - that other people needed space and respect - it can be hard to manage someone with a disorder particularly when they are young and you must be so tired at times

I love this idea of a Virtual Village - I seem to be a part of it - I guess by now I am a village elder - a place in society where one has gained some wisdom I guess - but even so I still know the problems of a youngster with oppositional frustrations however they manifest themselves and I can only encourage you to find support for youself

I haven't had much to do with you Frog - but as part of your Virtual Villiage I will have - perhaps you know my story - I hope I can encourage you - I know the way is tough and I care

All the best

Dec

Hello

@lisajane @Bubbles3 @Snowie @Messygirl @health4s @kv22 @Scarlet79 @CrazyTiger @defeatedmumma @lmn83 @NameUnknown

Hello @Owlunar, @CheerBear, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope

Hello @frog and thank you for tagging me , as you know I have looked after lots and lots of children over the years including one that had CP , one that was blind , a couple with ADHD , One with only one hand .

Even when I became a stepmum , I think looking after children had helped me a little bit with my step children who all have inherited depression and anxiety from their dad and two of them with adhd

I am remembering times when my stepchildren were teenagers and when they said things

I like to encourage you all and sending you all hugs and am walking with you

Hi @Shaz51

Thanks for sharing that - you have so much to offer the Virtual Village -

Back in the 80s there was so little help available for young people with emotional distress of any kind - I do remember a friend of my mother's took over the care of her step-daughter who had a malformed hand - no one had helped this young person until my mother's friend and my mother told me that there was so much she was able to do when she was given help and encouragement

I really don't know much of the story

But you have had so much experience - I am glad you have been able to use this for your step-children particularly and now in the Forums - you really do have so much to offer

Thanks Shaz

And @frog - I hope you are okay today or if not - okayish - thinking of you

I have to look up those disorders you think your son must have and also - I am wondering if you know about Kids Help Line or Reach Out - I admit I haven't read back on this thread and don't know what other people have suggested

All the best today

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder, and PDA is Pathological Demand Avoidance it is not so much a disorder as a pattern of behaviour on the spectrum. It’s anxiety around demands - even small things that means the person just avoids doing anything asked of them. Difficult for him and difficult for me.

Hi @frog

Those issues sound a little like what my son had though after all this time I will never really know - Esp the PDA - that certainly was hard for him and hard for me just as it is hard for you and for your son as well

I get it

My son was still very young and would cry with frustration because his body was making natural demands on him and he didn't want to yield his power - and I remember - I had no idea what was going on but yes - he would really push the envelop at the smallest issue and this must be a nightmare for you right now - and for your son

I have no idea what to suggest even after all these years - it was a real puzzle - and I did a course called Systemic Training for Effective Parenting - something to help me sort out whose problem it was - I am sure you have been involved with something like this but if not it all works toward tough love

Which can be really tough because you not only have yourself to battle with and your son to battle with but everyone else likes to have a say - and right at the heart of the problem there is a angry teen and yourself wanting only the best for him

I know you are doing your best and it is a huge learning curve and I wonder if it ends anywhere good but I do wish the best for you - I am glad you have posted again - there are many people here with troubled teens or older - you are not alone

Dec

@CheerBear & all others who have contributed to this post.

I only just found it, today. I was in psych hospital when this was started. What a great topic and a hard sad topic.

I had another hospital stay, end of July / August. My son stays with my m when I'm in hospital for my SI.

but he hasn't come home yet. I've been out of the hospital for over 2 months. He says he does3want to come home yet. He's not sure when he will come home. He says he doesn't want to live with me at the moment.

And BAM! !! ! i've become THAT mother! !!!

I've always loved my son. Have always been proud of how talented, kind he is, how he has many friends, of his sporting and music skills, and how smart he is, both education wise, and life wise.

Then I got sick with this MI in his grade 6 year. He's now in year 10. He has lost his mother to Depression and Anxiety and PTSD.

as a single mother, having a panic attack at 2 or 3 in the morning, I needed someone to help me. I would wake him and he knew what to do. To tell me to breathe, that it would end soon, that I was safe. I couldn't have coped without him.

But maybe that was too much for him. I rarely get panic attacks now (thanks to EMDR treatment). And if I do, I call nurse on call or lifeline, to help bring me back to now, rather than wake him up anymore in the night.

But I've become that mother. The one without a child living at home (it's just me and my son). The one people judge. Who I used to judge, even though I thought I didn't.

And being 100% honest, some days I'm glad I'm on my own and don't have the responsibility of looking after a teenager. Or having those constant arguments about hanging up wet towels or putting dirty clothes in the laundry or not leaving dirty dishes in his bedroom. I don't miss that confrontation. Where he says I nag. But I've asked him to do a simple task (put out your dirty clothes) 5 times all ready.

So now, at the moment, I'm a mum without a child. A failure. I can't even keep my son with me. Because he says he doesn't want to live with me. OUCH! !! !

I'll accept that hug gratefully @CheerBear.

Yes a mother's guilt. Always present. Add in MI and the guilt level sky rockets. Being mum is a hard enough job in itself, without adding depression and anxiety to the mix.

A kind hug back ❤

hello @utopia, @CheerBear, @Owlunar, @frog, @Former-Member

sending you all hugs

even though i have not had a child of my own , but looking after children for 25 years and then becoming a step mum which I thought wow , I did some reading at the begininng of becoming a step mum but living it is totally different

now I could go into my experience with each of my 4 step children , but that could be long , each child is different as you all know and to handle each situation differently