Niquas Notes

Good Morning my beautiful cyber-grandgirl Claire @outlander

I've got a gentle morning nag for you {fancy me nagging;)} . . . go have a glass of water 😉

I know your sick of being a pin-cushion, & whether you get the tests or not is up to you {& to be honest I haven't had any of the tests I've had offered over the past few years . . . I just don't want to know}

Hydration is vitally important. I was told when I worked in Aged Care, that dehydration was 1 of the most common causes of death! Did you know that? . . . . go have that glass of water!

Oh & 1 last thing, as I'm going to hop off the Forum for the day . . .

I love you

NN

sorry NN, still cathcing up on earlier notifications @Former-Member

ive been drinking alot of water. starting to feel like a cucumber (meaning full of water).

i dont like needles as it is, they only want to check liver functions. at this age i dont want to risk liver damage id rather keep my body parts as healthy as i can. im nearly off all my meds now. not going back on them either, too risky for what my mh is worth.

are you feeling a little better than earlier tonight?

You are such a sweetheart Claire @outlander

I'm feeling pretty down, I think I can be honest with you about that & not bother you too much? I'll be Ok, I've been through a lot of 'feeling pretty down' throughout my years & I'm still here. I appreciate your friendship so much Claire I wish I could talk to you about what exactly is getting me down, but I don't know; the lack of tinted glasses, the feeling of losing my child, the lonliness, the dawning realization that if I had been a better person I wouldn't be so alone. I just don't know & I'l just have to feel it until I do.

Think I'm going to hop off the Forum now, I've been stealing some 'good' from it, watching Friday Feast. But I've had my phone call now & I have been feeling abnormally tired the past couple of days, . . . I might just go to bed & I'll try & do some sleeping for you too

Good night my little Claire Cucumber

NN you can be as open and honest as you feel you can be and no pressure at all @Former-Member

im glad you are still here through all those yrs, but you dont have to go it alone even though we are virtual we are real people here behind the screens.

if you want to, we can work through each of those worries one by one if you like and help sort out your thoughts with each of those worries? but of course only if you want to do that.

i dont think you could be a better person, i like you just the way you are. less traumas wouldve been nice for you but still love you the way you are. people say im a good person but im alone too, im alone even in a room full of people so i do understand that quite well. have you considered joining an interest group or a social group in your area?

please do keep talking, im hearing you and i know Mazy is here too with her words of wisdom.

you can steal as much goodness as you want from here, even without interacting much

maybe with some sleep and rest some answers will pop up or be better able to deal with them. goonight NN, Claire cucumber hey lol

Good morning my beautiful cyber-grandgirl Claire & my magical Mazy @Mazarita {who I hope is still sleeping} and anyone who passes by 🙂

I wonder if you know how many times you've made me cry Claire? When you said:

"i dont think you could be a better person, i like you just the way you are. less traumas wouldve been nice for you but still love you the way you are. people say im a good person but im alone too, im alone even in a room full of people so i do understand that quite well."

Liquid joy ran down my cheeks. I remember being alone in a houseful of people, I guess I've always been alone. Everyone could be a better person, but being accepted for who you actually are, is better than being a better person - & will help me strive more to be that better person Thank-you

I am feeling better this morning, I think I really needed that cry. I am going through very mild withdrawals, that fact that I've woken a little better today suggests that was the main problem. I am still upset about the xmas kerfuffle, there was no apology, the matter was just dropped. But then there was no 'drama' over my actions, they were accepted, so I can see positive there.

I am going to post my blurb from yesterday, please just ignore it, it's just a jumble of negitives being 'let out'.

Keep hydrating my little Cucumber

Fri23Feb 1030
I've just been on the weather site, I want to be somewhere else on Thursday, it's predicting 32. It wouldn't hurt to change my external environment a little, give me something different to think about 😉 I could go back to my local spot {it's less than an hour away} or I could go look at something new, I found a Lagoon whilst touring the satellites of the Earth, a couple of hours away. It's in a spot that I thought was pretty well completely dry, & I know the satellite images are years old; but I checked online camping sites & the likes & there are plenty of positive comments about the area. Even if the water has dried up {which often even large bodies of water will do on a regular basis out here}, it would still be different - I figure the bottom of a lagoon could be interesting, you only get to see it if the lagoon is dry! 🙂
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1330

I think I'm feeling a little dependant on this Forum again. I think it's in my focus that the only people that give a dam are strangers & there will never be an actual knowledge of them or me. I have been alone for many years now, but for some reason that's the focus at the moment. Loneliness. Perhaps it's because I've always used my Child to allieviate it, but now I am unsure if that's helpful. To my Child or to me.

I know I should probably let myself cry, holding it back is like trying to hold back the Ocean - you can't do it forever. But crying can actually hurt, physical pain, I can't breathe, my chest cramps up . . . it hurts.

I think I'll go into town, I have a dvd to collect from the library & I think I'll take the dogs for a walk while I'm out.

My life is so boring.
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1800

I didn't make my bed today, I have a mountain of dishes to do & the dirty clothes are piling up again too. The lawn still needs mowing, it pretty much always does - I can't do the whole yard at once & sometimes it takes days for me to get over what I do do. I'm old, I'm tired, I'm burnt out - finished.
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I know this is the only place where I can 'get things out' but it is also the only place where I have any friends. I don't want to bother my friends, so for those of you that know me, please just ignore all this stuff, please.
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It's day number 2 without the tinted glasses & it feels much worse than day number 1, if it feels worse tomorrow I'll know it's not the lack of tint & that it was actually the tinted glasses holding it back.
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This thing that's wrong with my brain must be deteriorating, the memory loss. I had 'bad things' happening all my life, not just childhood - & yet I can't recall in any detail any of them. Just like my dreams, it seems my brain has learnt how to forget 'bad', but it keeps taking the 'good' too! . . . I need to keep the good, what am I going to be left with?
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hello @Former-Member

Hello @Shaz51

How are you @Shaz51 I read about you having a dinner with your family, did it turn out a good day?

I'm pretty bored, can you tell?

Love to Shaz

Hi @Former-Member, yes lunch was ok , did not really want to go , but I am glad I did

I have done nothing at home my friend , feeling tired and just want to sit down

are you watching anything tonight -- I am going to watche the "yorkshire vet " tongight

@Shaz51

I'm glad your glad you went

I've done nothing too! I've gotta start doing something before it starts overtaking me again.

I haven't watched any shhows for the past couple of night, I have 2 hired dvds from the dvd shop that I have to watch tonigt, 'cause they have to go back tomorrow 😉

I'll be finishing be finishing the 1st disc of the Crusoe series - it's got Sean Bean in it & then I'll watch 'The Giver' - it's got Merly Streep in it.

But I kinds have to wait for my phone call 'cause I've lost the remote for my dvd player & can't pause it.

Thank you for saying hello to me

Love you Shaz