Niquas Notes

Yes @Former-Member - please do speak to someone and show them your letter (first one). Work through it with a trusted medical professional and do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do or it will not give you peace. It's important to seek outside support - tell them everything you told us.

My daughter was raped and suffered badly in an abusive relationship. It has messed with her head badly. It's a serious allegation that needs addressing urgently. Thinking of you with care. Sending you a warm hug. xx

Hi @Former-Member. 🙂

Seeing such patterns repeat themselves is truly heartbreaking.

Placing myself in your shoes for a moment (albeit imperfectly), I would have a burning need to solve all the problems for everyone, as it appears so obvious these patterns of abuse and unhealthy lifestyle choices are ruining people's lives. Not just people. Family.

Experience has taught me that I am not good at conflict situations. I tend to roll over and avoid them altogether for the most part. I don't know how you are in those types of situations, but often things can be said that cannot be unsaid, and that can do a lot of harm. My own flavour of bipolar adds to that mix, with the overreactions and the energy and power of my moods and emotions.

I watched my mother smoke and drink herself to an early grave. I watched my father nag her constantly, trying to get her to change. The nagging added to the stress and the depression that my mother was suffering from, and she drank and smoked more...

My mother's mother watched her only son drink himself to an early grave. Remaining non-judgmental and ever hopeful that loving support and quiet kindness would win the day, my grandmother applied the same approach to my mother. From my point of view, that loving support acted as an enabler for my mother's addictions.

So, what has all of that taught me?

You can't force someone to do anything they don't want to do.

Change is difficult, especially personal change on a profound level, such as recognising a problem and getting on with fixing it. People don't want to do it, until the shite well and truly hits the fan and life falls apart. Then the pain and damage in your life can no longer be self-medicated away, and things HAVE to change.

Seeing that sort of pattern repeating itself again and again and again... well... it is heartbreaking...

I wish I had an easy answer for you, Niqueeta. Alas, all I can offer are some painful insights from my own life experience...

A train stays on track, even when the bridge ahead has been blown. Unless the driver is paying attention, no brakes will be applied.

But how to get the driver to look ahead and see the inevitable? That is the question...

Once the train stops, bridges can be rebuilt, new tracks can be laid, and train wrecks can be averted.

@Former-Member I have a HP .. but it is a bit slow ...

Glad you are clearer and working with the things you can accomplish.

My whole take on the addictions/substance use is a little different. I saw overreactions to mild use cause more problems than the use ... hmmm

SO I never saw it as a sin ... all in context.

It lead me to be very experimental at a young age but strangely enough I managed to detach myself from it also at a young age. I also walked with quite a few people to help them go clean.

You live a wholesome life & have cleaned up your act. The guilt for being alive during the 60s - 80s probably ought to go .. it was a fact of life. A part of that zeitgesit. It still is but things have morphed.

Come and talk to me over on "Fragile" anytime ... you are welcome too @Silenus

Hi again, Niqua.

You are a champion for making that doctor's appointment, as I know how difficult that would be for you. It's a really good idea to write some things down. That has often helped me with new doctors in the past, even still do it sometimes now. I would focus on myself more than the family situation, but mention the family situation in relation to how it is affecting you. If it's too much about them, then the doctor may feel you need a social worker rather than help from them and you might end up back at square one. As @outlander mentioned, the things that might help you is some talk about your anxieties and mood switches, how extreme the change can be really. I would also mention the times when you feel like you can't even write words or think straight, those scary times you have shared with us here on occasions. Hugs for what you go through just in yourself, even without the additional stress of family troubles. You matter just for yourself as well. As @Silenus indicated, there may be no easy or immediate answers to what is going on with your child's family. But seeking assistance for yourself is such a great first step to healing all round. Sending much love to you, as always. Mazy

@Former-Member

Sending you warm wishes and support @Former-Member I can only say that with my adult child most attempts I made at solving issues directly with them only made things flare up again (and again and again). In the end I stopped trying and eventually they approached me. Sometimes we just have to step back from it all and put our own health needs first and 'hold space' for them. I appreciate it's really difficult to do, especially with children involved. Good on you for seeking therapy for yourself first, for the time being. Perhaps a clear path of action will become apparent with some professional advice. There are paths you can take anonymously regarding the welfare of the children. Thinking of you a lot.

Dearest Niqua, I think today is the day for your appointment. Wondering how you are doing. Sending blessings and love and strength and resolve to you today. And may you feel the freedom to be as emotional as you need express as well. If you can manage it, I would love to hear how you go. Even if, like me at times, it's touch and go if you go. Even if you don't go. I care about you and am thinking about you. Love you, Maz @Former-Member

I've been to the doctor Mazy @Mazarita. I was an embarrassment, shook, cried, nose dribbled - same ol', same ol'. She was very good. I've got some new pills & I go back on Wednesday. I think I'm going to see a psycologist, I think it might be a female. I couldn't talk properly, I never can, I soon as I sat down, it started. I think I managed to get out that I wanted to go to family counselling, but then I couldn't say anything, my head it just scrambles. I'd printed out the letter I was going to send, I'd put a little extra to try and explain the letter a little - I gave it to her, she read it. She said she'll help me.

Love you Mazy