Niquas Notes

@Former-Member I agree with outlander just do not accuse her of having mental health issues as a daughter that would not go down well. In saying all of this I would think long and hard before sending anything right now. Sit on it over night. You daughter is a grown adult with a job and children of her own just be very careful with how you approach things is my only concern and remember the saying that to get something back sometimes your have to let it go.

Hi @Former-Member ive read your post and the responses but have lots of thoughts going around my head about it just now so may take a while to respond. In the meantime I wanted to share with you some things.

As parents we all make mistakes. Ive had lots of therapy to help me learn that those mistakes don’t define us or our kids. I see the love you have for your daughter and grand kids and know that is greater than anything. You said it was selfish of you yesterday in needing that relationship with your daughter. I don’t see that at all. I think it’s a basic human need and although it doesn’t feel like it just now I have this belief that deep down your daughter feels your connection and love and needs it as much as you. From all you’ve written I think you mean more to her than you think. I think that habits (and taking you for granted as a habit) have possibly developed that have masked some of it. I might be wrong, I’m an eternal optimist when it comes to relationships but sometimes they are rocky and take a long time to be worked out fully.

lastly I see you as brave, so very brave. I know how hard it is sometimes for you to leave your house and pack up to visit her, yet you do it every time. I see you as so very brave right now facing really heart wrenching and complicated things but you are not running away. You are being courageous and fighting for your family. That is brave in my book. 💜🤗

It is not necessarily brave to go to the police. I see you as brave to have survived as a person and a single mother. @Former-Member

A sense of inadequacy or guilt is tricky as it generates complicated responses and further defensiveness. Admitting you are sorry for things, but dont wnt to open an argument fest, but look for ways forward. Also saying you will wait for her and let her have time to process things a bit.

The way you have sought help from the forum is so clear. I am sure you have a lot to offer your family in ways more than money. Your LEGACY wll be many and varied.

It is a complicated situation though and may need professional intervention, but it would be best if it came slowly in a therapuetic manner rather than through dept of corrections or justice. They can be very heavy handed.

Maybe rather than talking about her having a mental illness, just talk about the benefits of counselling ... or talking to a friendly gp ... for a referral without going into details ..

I tried to be go between with my brother and mother over the drugs issue, but it was too big an issue for me. It is alright to get help for families.

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I’m very worried about you & the children, even L & his parents – I’m worried about my family. I’m worried that no-one is doing the right thing, certainly not me. I worry about my choices & decisions & how they’ve affected you. I’m sorry if they’ve affected you badly. I’m worried that your children are being affected by your choices & decisions. I’m worried that I taught you unhealthy ways & you are now teaching them to your children. I’m really worried. I have calmed down & would like to talk when you’re ready. I love you.

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I can leave that sentence out Claire, though my daughter is aware of my problems & has seen counsellors & phycologists herself & has/is taken prescribed medications for MH issues, even agrees with me that it runs in our family line. But I don’t know if she seeing the reality of it, or being honest, or just saying what she thinks I want to hear. @outlander

I like the idea of the list Faith. I am worried, if my daughter does talk to me, what would I say? I think the 2 points you mentioned would be a good start, though I have this feeling that to help the children you need to help the parents. That includes my daughters’ partner, I seemed hell bent on getting him out of her life, but that would not change the fact that he is the youngest 2 children’s father.

I think perhaps I don’t want to write a very long list, it just gets too much. But I am beginning to think it was the allegation that has triggered something in me, as it was my granddaughters’ behaviours & my daughter doing nothing about them, which led to sleep not coming for me, that’s the point where I lost the plot. @Faith-and-Hope

I actually can’t remember how many days ago it was that I exploded Greenpea, all I know is this is the longest I have ever gone without talking to my daughter. And that that phone call she gave me each night, was something she did for me - & I ended that. I am often my worst enemy, I am very worried about my own state of mental health right now. @Bunniekins

Reading your words brought tears to my eyes Teej. I want to know my daughter loves me & needs me as I need her. I want to be brave. Another thing I blurted out in anger was that I hadn’t been well since xmas & asked her if she cared, yet I didn’t give her the chance to answer. I am wondering if I should send a text simply telling her that I am not well & I need her help? @Teej

If you cannot fight, the arena becomes the slaughter yard. Faith. @Faith-and-Hope

I wish I knew what I/she/we could do Cheerbear. As much as I am trying, I just seem to be getting more & more confused. What is right, what is wrong, what have I done, what has she done, what has been done, what needs to be done? Doing nothing has helped no one – I just need to figure out what I will do. @CheerBear

I think in a way it’s ‘brave’ just to survive as member of the human race Appleblossom. I don’t want to put a guilt trip on my daughter, though that’s the trip I’m on, it’s one of the things I want to try & help my daughter avoid. I want to ask if she will go to counselling with me & the first thing I would bring up would be my granddaughters allegations, then the ‘shed’, then the financial decisions {I think they would come out with the ‘shed’}. @Appleblossom

I’m trying not to rush into anything TAB. If I had ever had any success talking to doctors, I would say the way to help my child is to help their parent, me. But perhaps I’m one of those people that can’t be helped, if I can’t be helped then maybe the fact is, I can’t help. The reason I feel such a need to do something is because I know I have caused so much damage, I can see that damage continuing through generations, and maybe all I can do is damage. Maybe the best thing is for me to send nothing & let my daughter be free of me? @TAB