Niquas Notes

What is the outcome I am hoping for -
a healthier life for my child, grandchildren, family.
Is the message I'm sending likely to bring me closer or further away from that outcome -
I really don't know. I think further away.
What might some other unintended outcomes be and am I comfortable with them -
The parents could lose their jobs, the family could lose thier income.
The family could be split up, the parents may split up.
Either of the parents could suicide or over take substances
The older girls could suicide or run away
The children could end up in another home they don't want to be in.
I could end up locked up in a mental institution or jail
I could have to euthanize my pets
I could make matters so much worse, with arguments within the household, and my family could hate me forever.
- no I am not comfortable with those possible outcomes
Thank you Chamomile @Former-Member

I will not give up on trying to help my daughter, my grandchildren, my family.
Thank you Bluebay @BlueBay

I remember going to counselling with my daughter when she was a teenager & being told all I could do was be there to pick up the pieces. I remember thinking what if all the pieces aren't there to pick up. I worry I have already lost many pieces by my outburst of anger.
Thank you Greenpea @Bunniekins

I am struggling so much, I really needed to be reminded I love my daughter and my grandchildren.
Thank you Cheerbear @CheerBear

I feel a desperate need to do something & I don't deny it's fuelled by my own guilt. They are not living off me, both parents are working & the 2 eldest girls have part time jobs. I see that as positive thing. I've seen large amounts of money being moved & large amounts of drugs. I spent 8 years with a dealer, dragging my daughter along as I went. I can't see the situation getting any better. I just want to help, but I don't know how. I wish I was wise.
Thank you Tab @TAB

I don't want to allow it to continue, but now I find myself questioning whether it is right to take such drastic action after having done just that for 20 years. I have painted a pretty dark picture of my daughter & her family, there is good there too. It is important to me how my daughter feels, whether she is wrong or right she will always be my daughter & I will always love her. It is part of my MI to focus so completely on one particular thing, getting so obsessed & overwhelmed with emotions that I can't think straight & lose sight of the bigger picture. I can't undo what's been done, but I will continue to try & work out how to help my family, with the hope of a better healthier future.
Thank you Dec. @Owlunar

I am very concerned that my daughter is not making the best choices for her children, but I also know she is not making the worst choices for them either. I think part of how I was able to lie to myself & ignore what goes on, is to me abuse means blood & bruises, the children have none of those. They are not timid, far from it, not nervous or shy. The list was very helpful.
Thank you Snowie. @Snowie

My beautiful Mazy, I'm running out of words but I hear you understanding me. I am in a blackest darkness right now, & the yo-yo goes up & down whilst the roller coaster spins through it's many twists & turns. Your opinion is worth a great deal to me.
Thank-you Mazy @Mazarita

You really are your name to me, you are faith and hope, a light in the darkness. I will not send the letter. I will go to the doctor and seek an appointment with a counsellor for myself. Though I have never been able to talk to them, I can't breath to talk I do nothing but shake & cry & dribble. But if I really want to try to help my daughter & her family, then I have to try & get help. The police are not the only way to do that.
Thank you Faith @Faith-and-Hope

I'm really struggling with my MH & it's like my brain can only focus on one particular point. I do not have anyone in the real world to talk to or hear their opinions, so I greatly appreciate you & everyone that has helped me. No, I could not cope with the reprercussions of sending the letter, I see that now. I shamefully told my daughter she was selfish & wasteful during an angry outburst, I wish I could have just said no.
Thank you Bella @Former-Member

It is one of the most concerning things, that my daughter just doesn't seem to see what's she's doing. The threads are too tangled & the reasons for things do feel lost. I want to help untangle & find those reasons. During my outburst of anger I did come straight out & ask if there was a serious drug problem in the household, I do hope that may lead to the shed being cleaned up & maybe even their 'act' a little. I like you a lot too.
Thank you Appleblossom @Appleblossom

My daughter is the most important person in my life & my grandchildren are extensions of my daughter. It is her decision what she will allow. But they are my grandchildren, extensions of my daughter & I must try to help them by trying to help my daughter. I have not totally rejected the knowledge that I can go to the police, but I will try other ways first.
Thank you Enigma @Former-Member

I had a terrible outburst of anger to my daughter, I don't remember how many days ago. I think I have only just reached a point that I may be able to use my calm voice, but due to the damage I've already done with my anger, my daughter will not hear it. I wish I had your insight, I went about it so very wrong. But due to your & everybodies help, I think I may be averting another mistake.
Thank you Phoenix @Phoenix_Rising

I have been very much in the wrong myself, I have done many wrong things. My outburst of anger toward my daughter was the first toward her in nearly 20 years, the first time I was honest with myself that I do not aprove of her lifestyle, a lifestyle that was once my own. My daughter has amazed me for all of those years, for having anything to do with me at all. I think relationship has been to important to me for selfish reasons, I have no one else. It's time for me to really start thinking of my daughter.
Thank you Teej @Teej

I'm going to watch some shows now, try & let my brain go a bit. I have been focusing on this every day, all day, since xmas. That alone I recognize as a neuro-biological disorder, my mental illness & it's really bad. It hasn't been like this for many years.

Thank you everyone for everything

@Former-Member

Hi Niqua

Look - only you know the severity of the situation with the drugs etc and how much danger your grandchildren are in - if those kids are in danger then it may well me that the kids need protection but going into foster care can be tough on them - @Appleblossom knows and my son was in the system too - it's drastic and I think important you write that letter over and over - refining it as you go - and this will make talking to your daughter more explicit - maybe kinder - and verbal interactions are better

One thing I do suggest - or maybe two - you will have to stop enabling your daughter - you have said that but first you need to let her know you are changing your behaviour and why. I remember learning that when I had classes on parenting for my son - and in marriage counselling as well - even talking to my unreasonable mother - not that it always works but at least you said it right!

Your situation reminds me of a line from T S Eliot -

In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions that a minute will reverse

I am sure you do consider and reconsider and change your mind again and again and the kids are on your mind constantly and this is so hard - they are in all sorts of danger - and it concerns me but again - you have the whole picture alone and even that varies all the time

You made some mistakes when you were younger and there were times when you think back and know you missed the mark - so if your daughter barks at you then she is entitled - hear her out - agree as you have in the letter that you were not thw best mother - and tell her you are sorry but there;s the thing - what happened in the past is over and the future starts now - today - whatever the time - and you know the kids need and deserve better than they are getting atm and too many for you to focus on to bring them up yourself -

You care about them and love them and it must break your heart - love your daughter as much as you can and support her but never enable her, Keep your eyes wide open to any manipulation and know the time may come when you will have to have police intervention and that would not be the worst thing to happen - I am sure you know that

So you will know if you have to act I am sure - in the meantime you know you need to be there for those kids and this is some kinds of nightmare

All the best my special friend - Granny Dec to Granny Niqua

Dec

And also - don't let your guilt or regrets stop you from doing what is right for the kids now - the past has long fingers on ever longer arms and it picks and picks at night - but as far as possible keep your head clear - and let it be known you are not are actimg from anger but rather love and fear for her and her kids

@Former-Member

Thinking of you on my first awakening tonight, Niqua. It sounds like the writing of those words has been a release and has brought clearer thoughts and feelings about some things. Hope you are sleeping soundly and peacefully as I write this. Love from, Mazy @Former-Member

Sending you my best wishes too @Former-Member. I've been through some of what you talk about - lived with a dealer for years in an abusive relationship and exposed my only child to all that. Worked hard to get away from all the lifestyle after that and then went through long periods being abused by my child, even after they became an adult. Financially last year.

So I really feel for you and hope you find some peace with it all soon.

Dear @Former-Member Thinking of you.

I dont want to flood you with too much advice, but just let you know that though you have been a lone battler for a very long time. You do have a right to feel satisfaction at simply raising your daughter to adulthood, apart from all the other issues.

Letting her know some of your thoughts and reasons gently is a good idea. If you can find a way to do it with the spoken word it might seep into her better.

I had the be kind and help the husband get off drink and drugs scenario. It is a social reality many people struggle with. Often it starts with good will to the partner but once children are involved it gets tricky. It also takes time for people to reveal their true colours and how far they will let things deteriorate.

Maybe reflect on your letter with a few action points. Say this ... which message you really want her and any of your gk to hear.

Do this ...strategise ... boundaries ... care for yourself so you last the distance.

Withdraw but be open to reasonable contact etc. .

Yesterday I thought I could be brave for my daughter, but the fact is I never have been. I am not brave, but I still care. I have never been able to talk to doctors, I have never gone to the police, I can't do these things on my own. The only person I've been able to speak to for many years is my daughter. I know for my own well being, I have to do something. The only person I can ask for help for my daughter, is my daughter.

This is what I am now thinking of sending. Again I would appreciate opinions. I have greatly appreciated the opinions everyone has already given. I have listened to them all, they have all helped.

I’m very worried about you & the children, even L & his parents – I’m worried about my family. I’m worried that no-one is doing the right thing, certainly not me. I hold so much guilt about my choices & decisions & how they’ve affected you. I’m worried that your children are being affected by your choices & decisions that you may live to regret & hold even more guilt. I’m worried that you have a mental illness & it’s causing you to make unhealthy decisions. I worried that I taught you unhealthy ways & you are now teaching them to your children. I’m really worried. I have calmed down & would like to talk. I love you.

@eth @Mazarita @Owlunar @outlander @TAB @Teej @Faith-and-Hope @Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Snowie @CheerBear @Bunniekins @BlueBay @Former-Member @Former-Member Everyone.