Niquas Notes

Hi Niqua

Wow - this is something you can't allow to continue - I have only read the letter but it seems your daughter is highly irresponsible and really those children need help

Mu suggestion is that you go through the letter and think about the components until you feel okay about it yourself - I don't see anything wrong with it myself but I am sure it will not be well received so it's really hard to comment

But still - it doesn't matter what your daughter feels about all of this - those kids are at risk and it they need intervention.

There is no sign of MI there though - it sounds like a very worried grandmother caring for her at-risk grand-children and apart from legal intervention - you know better than I but what else can be done?

btw - no one is accountable for other people's choices - your daughter may feel she had excuses but in reality she got there by herself

I am so sorry about all of that

Dec

@Former-Member

Afternoon @Former-Member

It seems through this that the choices your daughter is making are not the best choices for her children. As if you should send it to her, well I think only you can make that decision. Perhaps write a list of pros and cons for sending and not sending it. Maybe that might help?

Good luck in making your decision

Niqua, I would not send that letter as it is. Many reasons for it from my point of view. One is I think you are in a stage of processing recent events where everything seems at its blackest. That is an extreme point of view that may change. I remember not many months ago you were ecstatic that you were able to help your child and family with buying the new car. It was a source of joy for you at that time. The swing between those extremes is worth considering. Recognising that our views and feelings change in dramatic ways at times is worth considering very carefully.

Mentioning the police seems more like a desperate cry, almost an ultimatum, to get your child to contact you. I think it would be better to be less extreme and demanding in the way you handle this. How would you have felt if your closest loved ones called the police on you, or threatened to, when going through hard, maybe even desperate times? For me, that might be something I could never forgive. An extreme angry outburst on the phone is forgivable and may leave room for reconciliation and genuine care. But calling the police would not be in my mind. I may be wrong, but it seems unlikely too that this route will lead to any recovery of the amount of money you have put into the family over that time. It seems more likely to completely alienate your child and you forever.

How about sitting on it a while longer, though painful? How about being as slow and careful as it needs before contacting your child again? So much seems to be at stake. I truly believe that, for the best outcome in this situation, slow steps towards reconciliation are the only way. Then it may be possible to affect the outcome for that family in a positive way, even if only small, slow ways. Usually real reconciliation and assistance to people in desperate situations can only come slowly. Sending them to jail or through the police processes is likely to further damage them and you.

My honest opinion, for what it's worth.

@Former-Member

@Former-Member My heart goes out to you and your grandkids. These are just my thoughts.

Your daughter has struggled a lot but if her relationships are enmeshed it wont help until she can SEE it.

It took courage, thinking through and a long life of effort to write that.

NO I do not see the letter as signs of your mental ilness, IMO Mental illness happens when the threads are too tangled and the reasons for things get lost. You seem clear to me. With 5 children dependent on her. It would not surprising her clarity atm is compromised. It is probably better to put up firm boundaries yourself and let things run their course.

Re Money. Give no more. It does not solve all things but puts off resolution. End the Bank of Mum or Nan. All future presents based on your values. Too bad, but often the grandchildren will see the wisdom and good in you and the symbol of the present, rather than dollar value or easy thrills. They may be dissappointed at the time but realise later what you were on about. Even if 2 gk turn to you later in life for help. Its best if you are still there doing your thing and sharing with us in the meantime, if that helps.

Re Substances and Police. No easy answer. I might admit to her that you have thought of doing it but holding back because you dont want to make things worse. So that it is not like an ultimatum. You are clear that you are not naive and where you stand. You certainly do not want to be financially supporting a household like that.

I like you even more. A very special lady Niq.

As mothers we do give our all, but your life is important in of itself. You have done it tough. Its time to treat yourself a bit.

It is heartbreaking because of the exposure of young kids to negative influences and divided loyalties.

Sure up your life for your values and hope that your gk see the light. Your daughter might turn around but not likely if it is adversarial.

Dont let small individual instances stop you seeing the big picture.

Hi @Former-Member

Personally I could see no sign of mental illness in your post - just a very brave, intelligent and honest woman who cares very much for her child - and particularly the welfare of her grand children before herself. I applaud you. I admire you and the sacrifice you are considering doing.

Only you know deep in your heart the right thing to do - it was all written down. Only you know the entire situation and only you can make an honest judgement call of what to do that protects the welfare of vulnerable children. Sometimes doing the right thing calls for tough love.

If it were me (my daughter took weed and drugs at a very young age unbeknown to us that triggered her bi-polar and mood swings, the effects on undeveloped brains under 25 can be fierce) - I would too ring the police if, as you stated, your daughter doesn't act willingly for the children's protection ( I have done so myself and the results did protect my daughter).

Listen to the love in your heart as it's your best guide. Wishing you the best outcome whatever you decide. Thank you for the tagging and sharing.

Hi @Former-Member,

I personally wouldn't send that letter as it is. I find that when I have to deal with something super big, I first write whatever I want to, then I leave it for a day or two and come back to it when I can use my calm voice. I then go through and reword it to sound less confrontational. Depending on the bigness of the issue (and this issue you are dealing with sounds super big), I might take a couple of weeks to get the final draft written. I think what you have written is an excellent dumping out of all your feelings and concerns around the issue. However, I don't think sending it as it is will achieve anything helpful.

@Former-Member

Hi Niqua. I don’t feel qualified or entitled to write here but I’ll share my experience of reading your letter. At first it was go you, there was a lot of processing you have done....a lot of it very painful but I believe really insightful and in the long term helpful for you.

I guess like a couple of others have highlighted I think working out what is important in the future is really important. I have seen you talk about 'the centre of your universe' often and really loved that expression. I think you’d need to be really careful about sending it now. I loved @Mazarita response.

I lost one of my sons once through through my actions. I abandoned him at 16 when he was really vulnerable because I wasn’t coping. It wasnt a conscious action on my behalf but it was effectively what happened. When I was able to deal with it better I worked at gaining his trust back. These days I often don’t always approve of his lifestyle but I try not to get caught up with it. We have a positive relationship now and when I can I try to sneak some messages through. This situation is nothing like yours. I never had grandchildren that I had concerns about and I was the one in the wrong. It amazes me that he forgave me.

My point in this is that I think it’s important to work out what is important for you. One of the more helpful DBT modules for me was one on interpersonal effectiveness where you looked at a problem and had to decide and order three aspects of the problem. They were relationship, self respect and objective. It depends on which one is the most important. As an outsider looking in it would appear that the relationship part is that between you, your daughter and grand daughters, the self respect is not being taken for granted or feeling abused anymore and the objective part is to want to be a catalyst for change for your daughter and your grandaughters. To me they all seem very important and I’m not dismissing any of them. As a mother I would feel all these the same and struggle immensely with it. I really do think it would be worth you grappling with these concepts before communicating anything. There are many outcomes depending on which one rate the highest in the end.....and of course you’ll never be able to accurately predict any of them.

I dont believe there is a right or wrong in any of this and I really do feel for you in this situation.

For me personally I chose relationship as the top one, probably objective as the second and self respect last. In this case it was about having a relationship with him which means accepting behaviour I don’t respect sometimes but also trying to sneak in some of my values still when I can (objective). In recent times I don’t give him money anymore but just presents as a way of trying to claw back some of the objective and self respect. This really isn’t right for many people but it is for me. I hope you find what will be best for you. 💜🤗