Niquas Notes

I'm feeling really sad, not angry, sad. I know I'm on a roller-coaster that's attached to a yo-yo & I'm really not enjoying it. It's taken me 3-4 months to get the anger out, I wonder how long it will be before I can smile? This is not a pleasant life, definitely not a good one. I know my daughter deals with everything using the silent treatment, I've still heard nothing from my grandchildren, I guess they've learnt from their mother. I wonder if that's what I did to their mother? I thought I was getting better yesterday, but maybe that was just as my mind switched. I went into town today to get something to eat, I'd run out of bread, butter, eggs, cereal. There were easter things everywhere. I didn't send a parcel to the kids. I don't want to, if they don't want me. I feel so lonely, so very alone. I'm so tired of the heat. I'm so tired of my life.

Hi @Former-Member, so sorry to hear you so down. I love you, for what that's worth across an internet line. We have been special friends pretty much since you arrived here and I have valued that so much. I admire you as a woman of strength and intelligence and incredible resourcefulness.

How are the dogs? And Cat? I wish I was their friend too.

You seem to be going through stages of grief. I went through a terrible time, grieving the loss of my parents, when I stopped seeing them for a long while. I can't imagine what I put them through. Well, I can. A shame in me with it. It wasn't a pleasant life. Mainly I hope you can be kind with yourself through it.

@Former-Member

@Former-Member

Mr E. Bunny was here.

Happy birthday my youngest grandboy. I don't think I'm going to get to see you grow up. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but the fact is, your mother had too many children. I didn't cope with just her, 5 grandbabies is too much for me, I love you all though. Don't be a violent person, I know you only hit & throw things at people to get their attention, if the only attention you can get is negitive - that's what you'll take.

Happy Easter to my family, all of them including my sisters - the only members of my original family still alive.

Love to all

@Former-Member Niqua

Good Morning Mazy Claire and everyone

I think there could be a drawback to knowing yourself a little. Having an idea how bad it will feel for how long. How much you will put yourself through. How much of it is so totally out of your own control. I'm waking up much earlier than usual, I can recognize that as a sign the processes of my brain are out of wack - but I can't do anything about it. I thought by rejecting all people I was protecting myself, but I never even allowed myself to imagine that my own child would be one that I had to protect myself from. I guess some people do need to be alone, but I believe it is so unnatural for a human being that they can not survive it. I needed my child for a connection, but every moment they choose to not communicate, to not acknowledge, is more proof they were never there for me.