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I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2018, 11:08 pm AEDT

I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Does anyone else ever get to the point with sh that they just want to cause as much destruction as possible? Total and utter urge to self destruct?
I don't care about the ramifications, I don't care about the downstream impacts.
I just want to destroy myself.
What do you do?

319 replies

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In response to: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

catgirlSenior Contributor16 Jan 2018, 5:23 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

@Former-Member ...i understand the feeling that everyone hates you..if i call my friend (yes there is only 1) or my 1 family member and they dont answer or ring me back straight away i automatically assume they hate me and i start thinking about SH and the need for some form of release from how im feeling...im in therapy now and they are trying to help me recognise and understand why i do this...hopefully i will have a lightbulb moment and everything will start making sense...i know i have done permanent damage to myself over the years and wish and pray everyday that the behaviour stops but it is hard...i also feel like a bad person..especially when i get admited to hospital and my furry feline baby has to go into a boarding kennel as i have noone who can come over and stay and look after him...and because i cant care for him when in hospital i feel like a failure, bad mum, bad person...but i will not SH today..determined about that and i really really hope you dont either
catgirl🐾

In response to: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor16 Jan 2018, 6:43 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Hi @Former-Member,

It's ok that you didn't speak about the things you had planned to today. It isn't like today's session was a once-in-a-life-time opportunity. There's always next time.

It must suck not being able to remember conversations. I'm the opposite, I super remember conversations. People get annoyed at me when I start a sentence with "but you said..." and then repeat what they said. They often tell me I'm not remembering correctly, which is super frustrating given that any time where I can prove it (e.g. if it was a written thing), I've always been able to show that I truly do remember words accurately - grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Do you think any of your medications might impact on your memory? Or if you are dissociating?

In response to: Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Unknown userMember16 Jan 2018, 6:51 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

It was still a productive session even though we didn't talk about the stuff I've been stewing over.
And since I normally don't SH I didn't bring that up either.
I think I'm a chronic dissociator @Phoenix_Rising...... and that scares me a lot.
I've had a whole bunch of cognitive testing done and whilst I have high scores in the WAIS-IV in the verbal and perceptual sections, I have really really low scores in the working memory and processing speed - like the bottom 30% of the population low. I'm not sure how much is due to my illness or not. All the other cognitive tests I did came out normal for someone of my age and education.
I'm really scared that I am dissociating a lot. I'm also really scared that I know I do it when I'm faced with emotional situations and it's been that way my whole life.

In response to: Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor16 Jan 2018, 6:59 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

@Former-Member That must be scary dissociating and not being able to remember things. I dissociate a lot too, but for me it is a feeling that "nothing feels real" rather than forgetting things.

I guess it would be tricky to know whether it is your illness, your medication, or something else entirely that explains your low working memory and processing speed scores.

I'm glad your session was still productive 5-HT.

In response to: Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Unknown userMember16 Jan 2018, 10:06 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

No, when I dissociate I can either zone out and my mind goes completely blank and I can't think or move or feel, I'm completely absent.
Or I don't remember. Often I know I've done something, but I can't remember it. Like I know I went to the beach on Tuesday, but I can't remember any details, who I went with, how I got there etc. Or I totally black out and I 'come to' somewhere with no idea what happened for the preceding hours.
It's mainly the last one that's scary. The others are frustrating. Very frustrating.
The thing is, they've kind of been happening for years and years. But they've also gotten significantly worse since I got ill back in 2009.

That is one thing that is also worrying me. Is therapy's success contingent on me remembering sessions? Cause if that's the case I'm screwed!!!

And my therapist said something that I totally don't understand..... we were taking about arguments/fights I've been having with my brother and his wife and he said something about it being easier cause they had each other whereas all I had was me. I don't get it, how would that make a difference.
I don't really remember what he said, but my mind was going blank at the time and I couldn't really ask him to explain.......

In response to: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Jan 2018, 12:50 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Hearing you @Former-Member ....... 💙🦕

In response to: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

TheVorticonSenior Contributor17 Jan 2018, 3:57 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

@Former-Member for the argument thing, I'm only guessing here but maybe they meant that when it's an argument between 2 vs 1, the 2 people can collectively bring up more points and reinforce each others' ideas quicker than the 1 person can do counterpoints...?

In response to: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Unknown userMember17 Jan 2018, 10:04 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Thanks @TheVorticon, I have to confess I still don't get it, but I'll ask him next week and see what he says.

In response to: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Unknown userMember17 Jan 2018, 10:07 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Does anyone else ever get urges of posting graphic methods of self harm or suicide just to see if anyone reads or cares about what you write?
Feeling like invisible, worthless scum.

In response to: Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

SleepyPandaSenior Contributor17 Jan 2018, 10:12 pm AEDT

Re: I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Hi @Former-Member

I see you.

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