I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Nope, it's. It going to be moderated, cause no one actually gives a shit.
Oh well, it's not like this was a pre-self harm post.
Just needed to talk it out with someone....

I could literally document my own suicide on here and as long as I didn't violate guidelines no one would give a hoot.
All I really wanted was to chat to someone whilst I tried to fight the urge to cause further damage.

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry that you are struggling tonight.

What is happening?

SP

@Former-Member I give a shit. I know I don't know you very well, but I have seen your posts here and there. I get what you are saying. Because I've been there so many times, and right now I'm in hospital after a major attempt that took me very, very close to the edge of life. My life hung in the balance for 3 days, and I've pulled through, but heck I did some damage to myself. At the time I understood the pain I would cause to others, but my pain was overwhelming. It's causing me a lot of distress right now how much I made people suffer.

There's been many, many other times I put myself, and other people at risk of great harm. And yes, I didn't give a damn. I wanted to create mayhem, chaos and destruction.

What do you do? There's no easy answer. Sometimes your thoughts take control and you know what you are doing isn't right, but you have no care. I guess for me I have learnt what my triggers are, and I try not put myself in situations that are risky. I distract as much as I can, I reach out for help here or elsewhere and I try to learn coping strategies when other things don't work. It's difficult but not impossible.

Thanks @Sans911
I just, the thing is I want to cause as much crap as possible. I don't want to stop myself.
I don't deserve to stop myself.
How has your day been?

@Former-Member You DO deserve love, empathy and compassion, because you are just as important as the next person. I understand when you are hurting so much, yes, you can feel like you need to punish yourself. I'm a master at that. But I'm learning that I am a decent, kind and good person. And why do I need to punish myself when I'm hurting so much already? Don't I deserve self love and self compassion too? These are things I try to remember when I'm in self destructive mode.

My day has/is really difficult. I'm still recovering from what I did to myself, so I'm quite unwell. And in a mental health unit of a hospital I used to work in. Triggers everywhere. I've been quite distressed and teary, but I'm letting the nurses know that I'm struggling to cope. This is something I'm not very good at doing, because I think I should be able to manage myself better. And I'm letting tears fall whenever I need to; something else I'm also not good at.

Why do you feel the need to be so self destructive? Do you have any coping strategies or skills that can help? Are you in a place that perhaps you can turn some music up loud and scream along to it? Sounds kinda ridiculous but it might help.

I am not a good or in anyway anything positive person.
I've taken my sleeping meds now.
Thank you for you reply and your support @Sans911. I hope you feel better soon. And I hope you never feel so bad that you hurt yourself again.

@Former-Member I'm not positive either. And I hate that stupid word. I just try to focus on doing the best I can. That's all I can manage.

Please take care of yourself. Will you check in with me tommorrow to tell me how you are?