I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Hi @Former-Member

I acknowledged that I read some of your posts - I read most of them - but I can't say I liked them - I read too much about a person with such terribly low self-esteem it's really sad - terribly sad

I gather something happened to you when you were around 4 or 5 that gave you the idea you are "less-than" everyone else - and this is not a good life-script to live with

Ah - if we agreed with you that your were "scum" etc - would you feel any better? - I don't think so somehow - personally I think it's impossible for someone to be this bad but - feel this bad - yes - that is possible

If you are over 18 you are old enough go come and go without being interrogated by your parents - easy for me to say - yes - perhaps - do I know? - yes - I do - I was 22 and my parents were constantly at me and I had to get married to leave home - this was in a different time and things have changed

I don't think you are a bad person - lots of bad experiences - I can tell that - and more things happen to reinforce your faulty early opinions

But you do have a therapist - talk to that person - let them know and find out from them what they think

I didn't think I was a bad person but my self-esteem was pretty poor and after my mother died I saw a therapist and realised for the first time that all my life I had done things to improve my self-esteem but it was only after my mother died that I could see it

Perhaps we need to get away from the parental home if we can't flourish there - it mush be rock-hard for you there - starting somewhere else takes courage but if you can put all the energy you are putting into hating yourself then life might work

But I totally get how hard that will be

I do wish you the best

Dec

Hi @Owlunar, thank you for your reply and wading through all my whinging.
I'm 30 and I've lived out of home for around 7 years, but I came back a few years ago cause I was too ill to live independently.

Interestingly I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to move out of home once I get a job.

My parents are totally against it, but I spoke to my therapist and he agrees it's the right thing to do. So I'm going to have to lie to them until I get a job and am ready to move out. And even then they're probably going to be pissed. But it's the right thing for me to do. I miss having my own space and being independent.

It's going to be hard though..... I struggle so very much and keeping my shit together at work..... I've lost every job I've had due to my illness. Apparently crying in meetings and at your desk is frowned on in most workplaces.

But, I can't tell my therapist - I think he knows - but this is someone who's opinion carries weight. I'm far far too scared to ask or tell him these things. How could I possibly ask? What happens if he says yes?

There are sooo many questions I want to ask him, but I am far to scared of the answer to even begin to ask him. I wonder if I'm wasting my time there. I wonder if I'm just wasting my time entirely.

Hi @Former-Member

I understand your hesitation in revealing your thoughts and concerns about yourself to your therapist. However, it would really would help you and your therapist to work on all the things that upset you, it will help your therapist see the whole picture, if you don't, it is like putting a jigsaw puzzle without all the pieces, especially the boundary pieces which can really help therapists put a framework around what is happening.

I hope you are having a good day.

SP

Hi @SleepyPanda,

Thank you for reading and commenting.

I guess I know that it's to my detriment that I'm not telling him everything, but I just..... I can't.

I can't explain how scared and anxious it makes me. I seriously, genuinely fear that he will want me dead if he knows the truth. I know @Phoenix_Rising has been trying to show me it's not quite logical, but every cell in my body screams that it's the truth.

I have so so many questions to ask him, things I should probably tell him, but I can't. If he knew the truth about me; I'm already scared that he doesn't like me. If he knew the truth, it would k i l l me.

How do I even begin to talk about this stuff and ask him questions? I have no idea?

I suppose I could email him, but I'm not sure he would like that and then he would want to discuss things in person anyway.

Why is this so hard?

Hi @Former-Member

Just a thought, could you have two therapists, use one where you can tell her everything and keep the other one as is?

SP

@Former-Member

Really understand you keeping your current therapist to yourself, like a security blanket.

It make take time to get some trust with other therapist but maybe worth it to be able to speak to someone about all your thoughts.

I'm having to sign off as my shift is over, until next time, please take care.

SP

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@Former-Member wrote:

I can't explain how scared and anxious it makes me. I seriously, genuinely fear that he will want me dead if he knows the truth. I know @Phoenix_Rising has been trying to show me it's not quite logical, but every cell in my body screams that it's the truth.

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And how is Phoenix-Rising going with that, @Former-Member?

I can hear how super scary it feels to you to be open with your psychologist. This isn't something I experience myself, but I can still appreciate that for you it is superly duperly scary.

Have you seen this video on the DBT thread: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mzw5pfN8acc

It is about "wise mind" which is the intersection between rational mind (where all the logic stuff happens) and "emotion mind" where all the big feelings happen. I might be misunderstanding you, but what I'm hearing is that there is a little bit of you that recognises some of your beliefs may not be entirely logical, is that right? It is perfectly possible to "know" that our beliefs are illogical and yet still "feel" like they are true. This is because the thinking bit of our brain and the feeling bit of our brain aren't naturally well connected and we kind-of have to super work at bringing them together (i.e. to be in wise mind).

I would be willing to bet my house on the fact that your psychologist won't want to k*ll you regardless of what you tell him. Do you know how much trouble a psychologist would get into if he k*lled his client? I mean gee, TTT super wants to report Fred and he was only verbally aggressive and occasionally physically violent!!!

It sounds a bit like you do want to talk to your psychologist about some of this muddle, but you aren't sure how. Even though I can imagine how superly duperly scary this suggestion might sound to you, I'm wondering what it would be like for you to print out some of your posts and give them to him? I did that with (A) a lot. For me it is simply more time efficient for them to read something, than for me to be stumbling over my words trying to get it out.

TTT has a rule that I can email her once a week. Last Monday I emailed her a very long email re. my turtle whisperer dumping me and by the time I saw her on the Thursday, she had read through it. This meant that we could actually spend the session talking about it rather than wasting time with me bringing her up to speed.

I guess for me, my session time is extremely precious because I'm poor and thus feel I need to make the most of every minute that I'm currently getting funded. I know that a therapist isn't psychic and that they can only help me based on the information I give them. I find it hard to understand why people pay for sessions if they are then going to avoid telling their therapist stuff that would enable the therapist to know how to best help them achieve their goal. This doesn't make it wrong or bad, it's just something I find hard to understand. To me, it would sort-of be like me paying a fortune for my violin lessons without practicing during the week. My violin teacher can only help me based on the practice I put in, and similarly, a therapist can only help me based on the information I share with them. But again, please hear that I'm not saying it's wrong to withhold information, it's simply something I don't understand.

@Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member, @CheerBear, @Faith-and-Hope

I have a therapy session tomorrow.

How do I begin to bring up all my crap? I have no idea where to start?

What do I talk about? I don't know how therapy works and I'm scared I'm wasting my time.

And I'm just scared.