I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Hi @Former-Member

Just a thought, are you able to do a class online, just to lessen your anxiety and give you a chance to regain your confidence?

Its been a long day, I started in another job at 8.00am and I'm finishing at midnight. I will ask the next moderator to keep an eye on how you are doing. It was nice to get to know you a little bit, until next time, please take care of yourself.

SP

I get where you're coming from @SleepyPanda, I did a lot of volunteer work when I was younger. Everyone has their 'crap'. Everyone and what is minor for one person is the end of the world for another.
My problem is not external to myself. These are just life stressors. An annoyance. A pebble in my shoe.
I spend my whole life pretending. Pretending to be a good, whole, happy. confident, competent, nice person.
These annoyances and rocks in my shoe impact my ability to pretend and to lie and present the facade I need and choose to use.
But it doesn't change the fundamental problem. I am who I am. Nothing can change that. All the extracurricular, study, overtime and volunteer work that I've done over the years doesn't change that.
I am worthless scum no matter what this outward facing facade presents to the world. I understand how stupidly privileged my upbringing was. I understand that I am lucky to have what I do have.
But it doesn't change that I am who I am. Everything I touch burns to the ground. Everything I make is broken and bad.
The problem is not these minor external concerns, the problem is me. And only me.

Sleep well @SleepyPanda.

Yes and I did it and then I worked upwards. Still fight the urges to just push that destruct button but that only hurts everyone else and I don’t want to hurt anyone else, do you?

You’ll still feel the pain when you do it and then you’ll feel the pain even more after. It’s not worth the bother. You’ve just got to remember those in your life who also hurt when you hurt yourself. Are they worth sleeping off the urges? That’s what I tell myself

@Former-Member

My exact problem except you word it better. It doesn’t matter what I fill my life with I am never going to be who I want to be. Just a facade. Ow

And let it implode? You haven’t told your therapist? I haven’t told mine either. Which is counter productive really but it won’t do good.

So I genuinely think I'm the shittest person on the planet. Why in the WORLD do you think I would tell my therapist this,
God, I do everything I can to make him think I'm an okay person. If he knew the truth he'd just tell me to end myself.

I think we’re of the same tree. How horrible but hey you’re not alone. I’m here with you feeling the same way probably about the same thing but we’ll never really know.

Anyone around?
I'm wondering what other peoples experiences of therapy are?