I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Hi @Former-Member

I know you are feeling really bad right now but as true as it seems to you right now - you are not a bad person, worthless, not deserving to be alive

Everyone has a right to be here - somewhere along your path through life someone has told you this but it's not true - you do have a life and as rough as this is - it's the only life you have

There is no need to write until you feel like it - when you are ready or not - you have let us know that things are really bad for you right now and we can write to you

You do deserve better than this

Gentle cyber-hugs

Dec

Hi @Former-Member,

I am very interested in your thoughts about good vs bad people. However, it sounds like you are in a more settled space now than you were when you posted about that, so I'm not sure if it would be helpful to open the conversation again. Let me know if you want to chat about it.

I am super glad that you seem to be feeling a bit better now and that you feel supported here in Forum Land.

By the way, since you started talking about dinosaurs, I'm seeing them everywhere - just like I'm seeing unicorns everywhere. Giggle, should I be worried that I'm seeing dinosaurs and unicorns???

I don't know PR...... and I apologise if this response doesn't make any sense, I'll probably 'zone out'/dissociate while I write it.

But I'm not a good person. I don't know if I ever have been a good person.

I'm not religious and I don't believe in god, but I do have a sense of spirituality. I believe that every living thing has an essence, or a 'soul'. Everything, from the protists in your water to the trees in your yard and the birds in the trees. (Dinosaurs too!). This essence is a good, pure thing. It's about being alive, it's about love and the joy of being, of eating, moving, socialisation, being a part of the web of life and interacting and being with other living beings.

I don't have this. What I have is bad. It's not whole, it's not 'good' like every other living being, it's vile. It's evil. It's not human, it's not of this earth. I spend all, ALL of my energy in trying to cope with this and pretend that everything is okay. But some people can see. They know. And they hate me and they want me dead.

I should be dead. I'm not human. I'm not real. I'm a mistake. I should have never have come into being. I'm so wrong I don't have this essence and I'm bad and broken and wrong.

But I like every living creature has a drive to stay alive. I'm scared to die. Sooo scared. I know it's just like going to sleep and not waking up, but I'm scared of obliviion. Of not being. Of ceasing to exist.

I don't know when I first noticed I was bad. I was thinking about that last night. I think I first noticed it at 3 or 4. It was certainly there by 5. But people started treating me different around 4 or 5. They started ignoring me. Hitting me. Leaving me out. I started to not understand the world. I couldn't work out how things worked. People knew I wasn't good. I don't know if it has something to do with what that older boy did to me, or that it was because of that he did those things to me.

And it continued. I'm a bad person. I don't have a soul. I don't have a future. People can see my badness and they want me dead. It's been like this my whole life. Even my friends know, and can see. They are nice to me, but they know I'm not real. They are just kind to me.

The question is...... can I ever be a 'good' person? Can therapy make me a good person? Am I wasting my time or do I have a future? I really need to know. But I am nowhere near able to ask my therapist.

@Former-Member I am about to start reading your post now.