I know this post is going to be 'moderated', but I really don't care.

Hi @Former-Member,

I used to get to that point with SH, but I don't anymore. I used to hate myself SO much. I used to talk about how my deepest grief was that I existed. I used to say that I detested the fact that I am, and that I simply wished that I was not.

I'm much more ok about being me, now. I know that no-one who spends any length of time with me in the real world is ok about me being me - hence why everyone walked out of my world, but I am ok about being me. I like me...I just wish some people here in the real world could like me too.

Anyway, so when I used to feel as you describe, I would engage in extremely high risk behaviours in public, which invariably ended up complicating my life. I recognise that these were very much attempts to get help with my muddle, but they didn't work. They just led to a whole lot of shaming and icky experiences, which led to further self-hatred. I know now that help seeking doesn't work - at least for me. I don't "reach out for support" anywhere anymore, except to the HC and here in Forum Land.

I guess now the thing I do most is dissociate. I know this is my brain's way of protecting itself.

Hmmm...I don't feel like I'm saying anything very helpful. I guess when I used to have those urges to self destruct, I acted on them and thus complicated my life. These days, for me, SH is just one of the many tools I use to help me stay alive. I don't actually see it as a "problem behaviour." My body, my choice.

I'm not sure what happened here in Forum Land regarding some recent moderation of your posts - I didn't see any of it. However, I know that people around here do give a shit.

Hi @Former-Member

I know that right now you don't give a shit about your life and that everything is really dark

I have read what other people have written here and I know one thing is for sure that this is a bad time to make a decision that is really permanent

It's well over thirty years now since my son committed suicide and I have no idea if he ever imagined that the emotional pain he had right then was equal or more or less than the emotional pain other people endured because he did that - and for so long. Ending his own pain certainly did not end my pain I had because he was in so much trouble and there is no way to find out

I am not trying to change your mind - just saying myself that I give a shit about how you feel - actually a lot more than that - and as for my son - I cared more than anything in my own life - and now for so long

Really and truly I am sorry about the way you are feeling but it is not a good idea to make this kind of decision at such a low point in your life - it's not worth it

But still it is your decision and I am not about to take that away from you - but just think about it and ask yourself if your life is worth it

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

KobeCat here, the overnight moderator ...

Just checking in and seeing if there is any support I can offer tonight via email as you appear to be a dark place.

Do you have someone you can speak to right now?

If not, we know some really helpful services. Unfortunately, we are not a crisis service, but some places you can call now for support are;

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Beyondblue: 1300 22 4636 or web chat

Kind regards,

Kobe

@Former-Member Well I dont think you are scum. I think you are funny and a touch eccentrinc in a good way. Life happens the good and the bad and we deal with it in our own ways and you are an intelligent thoughtful person who is very honest about her emotions which is a compliment to you because I think you are geat 5-HT.

Hi @Former-Member and all

I remember a while ago you said it can help a little, to hear people say you're not a bad a person. I'm not sure if it's still helpful, but I, like I hear others say also, don't think you're a bad person 5-HT.

You asked last night about being a good person. Maybe we all have different ideas about what's 'good' (and 'bad') and I'm interested in hearing what you think makes a good person, if you feel like sharing.

I'd also like to return teddy who you let me borrow last night when I was feeling really sad, and let you know he was well looked after.

I felt comforted and cared for when you did that, and I thought that was really kind of you. When I think of the word 'good' in relation to people, kindness is one of the things I think of. Thanks again for your kindness last night.

I hope there's something in your day today that feels good or right for you.

Thank you everyone - @CheerBear @Bunniekins @Owlunar @Phoenix_Rising