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MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Unknown userMember15 Sept 2017, 11:19 pm AEST

MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

So this is my story (Sorry a long one)

My name is Nell, 39, Married with two children, 12 and 9.

For the last 16 years I have been a secondary school teacher working in challenging schools with students having high rates of trauma themselves. For the last 6 years, I have been working directly with students that come to school with a bucket load of problems. Used to be daily on the phone to DHHS or child protection so it seemed.

So there have been lots of incidents that I have had to deal with at work from drug overdoses, racial fights, gang conflicts, suicide attempts and many more. And yes, this is the students I am talking about.

About 3 months ago I had to physically stop a student from committing suicide. Well that took me over the edge. Started having panic attacks, anxiety and flashbacks of that and other things that had happened at work. Ended up taking time off work and still on work cover now.

From this however, a past trauma from my childhood that I had locked away for a long time then came to the surface. This casued severe anxiety issues, panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares and self harm.

So I am now seeing a psychologist weekly and my psychologist has made me book into seeing a psychiatrist which I see in October.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and PTSD. I am just beginning this journey and am trying to navigate my way through all of this mess as well as trying to deal with work cover. Thank go I am in the Education Union!

Some days are ok, some days are crap. Some days all I do is manage to get the kids to school and thats it. Some days I need to take it hour by hour and if i can get out of bed than thats a win.

So that is my journey so far and it really has just begun. I know I have a long way to go until I am back to my normal self, but I guess the question I ask myself is, what is normal?

49 replies

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In response to: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

utopiaSenior Contributor18 Sept 2017, 10:12 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

@Former-Member. I understand that automatic raise in anxiety levels when told to see a WorkCover approved Psychiatrist. I still get anxious before each one I go to. And I've been to many.
@girl99 explained the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
At the IME Review - the psychiatrist will ask you questions - just answer those as you are able too. They don't grill you or try to trip you up. They are just questions.
Mainly explain what you wrote in your WC Application. The increased stresses at work over the years. The lack of support by your principal. And then saving a student from suicide.
Explain your emotions are on edge. The psychiatrist will ask if your sleeping, eating patterns, socialization, family life - if these things have changed. Be honest. They will then write a report with a diagnosis on it and their recommendations for WorkCover.
It is a nerve racking process - because you have to tell your story over and over again. Buteven tthough I've been petrified that the IME will write a bad report on me - saying there is nothing wrong with me. That has never happened. Each IME has reported that I am sick and it was due from my Workplace.
One suggestion - get someone to take you tooand from the aappointment. As you may find you anxiety level is too high to be safe to drive. At least it is with me. Sometimes my mum takes me. Sometimes I go on public transport on my own.
I hope that your anxiety settles down a bit by tomorrow. And keeps decreasing this week.

In response to: Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Unknown userMember18 Sept 2017, 10:26 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Thanks for replying @utopia, really appreciate it.

Yes @girl99, I am in the union so am going to ring them tomorrow.

I am hoping it won't be too daunting. I don't like the concept of telling my story over and over again. That parts makes me feel very on edge and uncomfortable. I struggle enough these days as it is and the thought of going to see this 'stranger' petrifies me.

I know it has to be done, I am just not sure if I can turn up or not.

In response to: Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Unknown userMember19 Sept 2017, 9:06 am AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

I have tagged you in this @Ant7

Got about 2 hours sleep last night and ended waking up with falshbacks and then had a panic attack and had to go through my safety plan. My trust in reaching out for help is non existant at the moment so ended up in a bad way early this morning. I am just over all of this crap and don't know how much longer I can continue like this. It's like I take 1 step forward and about 4 steps back lately.

I hate the thoughts I am having and am so angry at myself for feeling this way.

In response to: Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Unknown userMember19 Sept 2017, 1:29 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

No one needs to reply to this, I just need to vent out instead of keeping it bottled up!

Sometimes I really think I am such a bad mother. How can I have these thoughts of wanting to end it all when I have two beautiful children and a husband at home. I don't understand how I can possibly think this way.

I don't really understand anything anymore. I feel like I am trapped in my head with no way out and the pain just keeps going and going. Why do past traumas have to come up after being buried for so long? Why did it have to happen to me? Why can't I tell anyone close to me what happened? Why didn't I say something at the time? Why did I say no when I was asked?

All these questions continually go around and around in my head. And then when I do have those few moments of peace the flashbacks start. When does relief come?

I struggle to remember a time when I was happy anymore, the only thing that seems to help these days is pain. I struggle to remember a time when I was in control. I am so exhausted trying to deal with it day by day and hour by hour. When do you say enough is enough?

In response to: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor19 Sept 2017, 1:34 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

💜💕 @Former-Member .....

In response to: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

utopiaSenior Contributor19 Sept 2017, 1:44 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

@Former-Member. Yes somedays really are 1 step forward and 4 steps back. But eventually you get to the 2 steps forward 1 step back. You start getting in front. Getting better. Recovering. Unfortunately it is a slow process.
Your feelings are perfectly normal. Your emotions are logical - being what you are dealing with.
Thinking of you. ♥♥

In response to: Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Unknown userMember19 Sept 2017, 1:54 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

thanks @utopia, but all I see is darkness around me, and no light to lead the way. And the darkness takes over every part of me. Sometimes it feel useless to try and fight back

In response to: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor19 Sept 2017, 2:05 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Hearing you @Former-Member .....

I know it doesn't make things easier in terms of how you are feeling, but tryng to get up and just "have a day" is an important part of working towards recovery. Do you set mini goals across the day ? I am assuming you need to, to manage your family commitments.

💜

In response to: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

utopiaSenior Contributor19 Sept 2017, 2:10 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

@Former-Member. Maybe when you can't see any light, you might be able to believe it is out there, somewhere. Purely based on the fact that wehave a lived eexperience of finding the light. Myself and other members. And I believe that you will find some light too.
Sending you love and hugs. ♥♡

In response to: Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Unknown userMember19 Sept 2017, 2:36 pm AEST

Re: MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

@Faith-and-Hope I do set mini goals purely for my family commitments. That way no one sees what really is happening. Sorry for all the negative, but I haven't got anything left in the tank anymore.

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