MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope for the quick reply. I was hesitant to write this as I know it is hard for people to talk about something that is such a sensitive subject.

I will take your advice and do some searching of mine own but will be mindful of my own emotional instability at the moment.

OK, I am going to continue my story but will put a TRIGGER WARNING on here becasue it is about DEATH.

So this is more about caring for someone and I might even take this over to the Carers Thread at sometime.

Two years ago my father died. He was the glue that held the family together. Six years before that he was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. It was a life sentance on us all and especially him.

From that stage he slowly went downhill. It was hard to watch someone you love go from a strong man to not being able to do anything for himself. The last 2 years were the hardest were he was in and out of hospital and on oxygen all the time.

He and my mother moved in with my family b/c my mother has depression and couldn't cope with him by himself, so I became hus carer.

The last 3 months of his life was the hardest. I don't think a day went past where he didn't tell me he wished he was dead. He used to say a lot more to me but I won't say it on here for fear of triggering people. He had no quality of life left, was just waiting, waiting, waiting. His personaility changed so much in this time. He went from a happy easy go man, to an angry moody man. But can I blame him, NO, he was angry at this happening.

It was about this time that I lost my faith. How can there be a GOD when they put a remarkable man through this and make him suffer like this. It is something I struggle with daily and ask myself every day.

The last 48 hours of his life was something I cannot get out of my head and I don't think I ever will. My mum could not cope sitting next to his hospital bed so it was left up to me. I did not leave his side in that time. When he did pass away it was a feeling of relief, that he was not in pain anymore, that he got his wish.

I wrote this becasue it is one part of my journey that my psychologist thinks has contributed to me having PTSD. Not the main reason, but certainly didn't help.

I am writing this through tears now becasue it always sets me off and I am hoping it won't trigger me today

I am sorry if this post upsets anyone or is a trigger for yourself. It is not what I intended. Is is just another part of my story.

I had a very difficult last 24hrs with my mum passing @Former-Member ..... she had a rare condition called scleroderma and it was pulmonary sclerosis as a result of that that made her last day so hard ....

I hear you.

My mum wasn't angry, but who she was had progressively slipped away into a form of dementia, also caused by the illness taking over there. We had moments of "her" within that time, which are precious memories now, but we had been living overseas, and some extended family here were cruel in response to our circumstances, so there is a lot of pain wrapped up in this also for me.

I know everyone's circumstances are different, and I am not trying to make this about me .... just letting you know I have something of a shared experience, and it's painful to know that she knew she was ill, and suspected it was something terminal across her last year, but kept it from me because she knew I had to be away. She must have been incredibly lonely at a time when I could have mad a difference for her, as you did for your dad. My dad was there, but it's not the same. He would have been doing the best he could, but for the most part, when I stayed in their home and she was in hospital, it was clear that she was doing her best to self-care and surround herself with "us" things .... and that year away for me was fraught with issue .... and she wrote and wrote .... never mentioning her illness .... and I only managed a few letters back again.

I am glad you had a reallly special dad ..... ❣️

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, it is nice on here that people can relate to each other. I am sorry you had to go through that with your mother. She must have cared about you greatly to try and not put her suffering onto you.

The most difficult thing I found it that since my mum has depression and has been medicated for a long time with it, my dad never burdened her with how he was feeling. That was always placed on my shoulders.

Not that I balme him, he didn't want to make it worse for her and I am glad he felt he could talk to me, but still, it is hard to sit there everyday and listen to someone tell you all the reasons he wants to die.

And now I am left with all these questions. Questions that probably no one can ever answer and I myself cannot answer. But one thing is, I am glad that he cannot see me now. I am glad that he does not have to witness the pain I am going through in my life.

Woah, so heavy for a Monday morning!!

It is heavy for a Monday morning @Former-Member .... and I hope you're okay with that ....

Three days after my mother's funeral we flew back out overseas .... on September11. 2001 .... and landed to the global fall-out of that day ..... all the Tv images still spin around in my head .... and I just kept thinking, "I'm so glad Mum didn't live to see this day ....." 😔

It compounded my grief at the time, and my MIL flew out with us cos WH had to fly back here for business reasons shortly after settling the kids back into school over there ..... and my MIL did something really cruel ..... she bought black clothes for me in a size she thought was too small for me in her packing ...... lots of them ..... because she had been buying oversized clothes for me since I married, and I was telling her they were too big ..... so she spitefully bought clothes that she thought were too small ..... and I had no idea until I walked out in one of them and her jaw dropped .... and she said, "Oh, it fits you ! I didn't think it would fit you !"

I am over it now .... time dulls rather than heals the pain, but I have worked to rise above it .... rise above everything .... and now I am faced with the biggest mountain of my life, determined to rise above this one too .... ❣️

@Faith-and-Hopethe is terrible what your MIL did to you. I am lucky to see my MIL once a year, probably a good thing.

I am glad you could put it behind you. I hope you rise above this mountain in front of you. I think that is what we all want, even though it is a steep mountain and lots lof dangers along the way, I hope you have supportive people around you to help you up your mountain

Hello again @Former-Member, iread your story and i truely get how hard it is for you. Dealing with students & their issues is so sad for them and for you. I was with the public health dept for about 8 years when the job became overwhelming. i like you had a manager who was not helpful and everything changed when i went on workers comp. Those at work who are not supportive won't be, its sounds like you were at a tough school & i found with the staff i worked with,they were trying to get through each day themselves & some can switch off easier, than i ever could. Before you head down the WC route, if you can afford to quit, like your husband says, I would consider doing it. Because you could focus on getting well, then go back to work later in another job, where your care of students is appreciated. I tried to get fellow workers & boss to understand which didnt work, if i could go back, i would have tried harder to leave & change my job because when they are not helpful it wont change because thats the way those in power want it. BFN, @1stepup61