MY STORY - THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN

Hiya @Former-Member and firstly - welcome to the forum. I have seen you interacting with some wonderful members on other threads already and you were encouraged to start a thread to tell your story - which you have done here. This shows courage and strength already

There are a few teachers on the forum - myself one of them. My 'situation' is not too different from yours -except what 'sent me over the edge'. I am a trained Secondary teacher however have taught in primary school now for nearly 15 years. I too worked with similar children when at Secondary School - in a specialised program. When I moved to Primary school I was asked to do a support role for 6 months which included disengaged or excluded kids from several schools. I loved the work but funding meant it was only for that short time (always comes down to money!)

I then moved back into the classroom and those diengaged kids were given to me - year after year. There were several incidents of being physically hit, kicked, things thrown etc. but I pretty much took it all in my stride (a bit easier to do when the kids are younger).

Around this time last year I was spat on by a student, and this was a student I really jad a lot of time for. It was only the second time in all those years - with all the kids I had dealt with - that I was really rattled. Maybe it was a combination that affected me so much or I was already feeling unwell - not entirely sure. A week after that I was so sick that when I visited my GP she called an ambulance immediately and sent me straight to hospital. As it turned out - I had 2 strands of the flu and was virtually bed-bound for the next few weeks. This was the first time I had ever had so much time off work and not be able to do anything - so the depression escalated.

It soon progressed to major depression, severe anxiety and complex PTSD (from several traumas). I have now been off work for 12 months this week - I would never in my wildest dreams have expected this. I was seeing a psychologist but I was re-traumatised in a session and had a complete breakdown again after that - and haven't been back (GP and psychiatrist won't allow it as yet as I am still not well enough to even try - I totally agree).

I am lucky enough to have the support of the HR manager and my Principal to take all the time I need and when I am ready/well enough to start re-integrating back into work then we will all sort out a plan to do so. I am nowhere near ready and still struggle every day to find a way to survive. It is a very hard road but the saving grace for me has infact been this forum, this amazing community filled with caring, compassionate and thoughtful people who share our experiences, understand our struggles and support each other through whatever is happening for us. There is truly nowhere like it (that I have found anyway). It is amazing how close you can become to strangers online - but we do form close bonds and we do care for each other - and that is GOLD.

I hope by me sharing some of my story with you that you can feel that you are not alone and that you certainly have come to the right place for support and to be amongst people who not only understand but also will listen and support you.

Again - welcome to the forum - and keep connecting!

Zoe

Thanks for the reply

It is good to connect to other teachers. My husband isn't a teacher so doesn't understand a lot of what i am going through. All he says is quit, but it's not that easy. It won't undo what I have been through.

It is great that you have your schools support. Unfortunately I have not been that lucky. I have not heard from my principal in al of this. He does not rate staff wellbeing as of importance. When the last major incident happened at work where I had to physically stop a student from committing suicide, we were told to meet after school, given a piece of paper with EAP info on it and said contact them. He has also told staff on many occassions that the 3 counsellors we have at school are for the students and not the staff. After this incident I went anyway and spoke to one of them about not coping. He knew before I went on work cover I wasn't coping and not once did he come and see how I was going.

Hi @CheerBear, thanks for your reply

I am hoping by being on this forum I cannot find people who I can relate to and who can understand what I am going through without explaining myself again and again. I now give people in my life the "I'm ok or I'm fine" response and put on a fake smile. It is so much easier to do that than tell them how I am really feeling or going. They don't understand what I go through everyday.

I used to enjoy reading a lot, playing netball and teaching calisthenics. These days I don't have much motivation to do any of those things but I am hoping with time this might change.

The last few days have definitely been hour by hour😔

Nell

Hi @Former-Member

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing your story! I'm a teacher too and have experienced many of the things you have, i work in a school where trauma backgrounds in kids are expected. We have a new arrival program for refugee children which is both amazing to see and sad to know and hear from these babies mouths what they've seen and been through. I worked in Indigenous Communities which was also both amazing but incredibly difficult as well and several incidents that occured there still leave me very scared to think over.

Working in schools is increasingly hard, last year i was told by a child's team that they were too severe to work with on their issues and that I needed to provide a 'therapeutic environment' at school... the pressure on teachers to be everything and provide for every childs complex individual needs is immense.

I had a ... breakdown... in 2015 and ended up taking the whole year off (though it really wasnt because of work, seperated from a not so nice marriage and court stuf etc). But since going back i feel as though i've struggled to cope with the anxiety that work brings more and more and finding it difficult to reconcile.

I have also had a lot of childhood trauma that i've struggled to 'deal with' and find a way to move on from. I used to completely bury myself in study (before my year off i had done my masters/research projects and been involved in extra curricular stuff even while on maternity leave) and work to block out everything else but i've not had the concentration or motivation somehow to do that anymore...

I just realised this is all about me... sorry!

I think right now it sounds as though you are so low and exhausted from what you've been through that your body is just saying enough... if that means you need to rest and not be able to get much done right now... so be it (says me...). Having a psychiatrist on board might help too, with balancing out madication if you need/want it. And continuing to work on achievable goals for recovery with your psychologist. I'm glad that you have work cover but have heard from others here that that can be a stress in and of itself! Hopefully that will not be too hard in your case...

As to what is normal lol.. i think that is the million dollar question here 🙂 I have tried to ask myself what do I want normal to be for me? i want to be happy - at least some of the time, i want to be able to cope with the everyday life knocks and bumps better, and i want to be free of the control that ptsd has over me... but it also seems a lot to ask!

I hope you find the forums helpful @Former-Member and hope that i havent overshared in your space! sorry again!

Hi @Former-Member,

In no way have you overshared in my space! It is good to know that there are people out there that have had similar experiences to me and that I can relate too. Makes this whole journey a little bit less lonely.

The last few days have been really hard. I spoke to a crisis person on line the other night and later that night the police turned up at my door asking for me. They had rung and said I was suicidal even though I had let them know that I didn't have any thoughts of that. My husband lost it at me and now thinks I am going to do something to myself when that was never the case. He has now gone all 'wierd' on me and is struggling more and more to understand what I am going through. To make it worse, my psychologist has gone on holidays for two weeks so feel more alone in this than ever before.

I has made me scared now to reach out for help and am now afraid that if I get to the point of needing extra support, that I won't reach out again and just keep it bottled up inside of me.

Sorry if this is too much, just needed to get it out!