Re: Learning about Relationship Boundaries

you are a darling, Isabella.

I thought and think about you and about your creative life hoping i can be as.

@Former-Member is so right .

@Jacques, when i was more sprightly, actually.... I still do.... support the strangest people.....

I remember commenting on women applying for restraining orders with huge smiles on their faces whilst cuddling their traumatised babies.

But what I personally pray for is more money in the federal budget for Aboriginal people.

My therapist wrote to me and suggested I begin researching my paper by reading Stephanie Dowrick. Shes written that awesome book, called Intamacy and Solitude. I would purchase this book for @lisajane.

it makes me feel sad that educated women like me and @lisajane have the knowledge to recover but other women don't.

Its a decision to keep on having contact or not. Me and @lisajane have the knowledge to live day by day choosing not to encourage them to reenter our lives.

You're right LJ, there is no point dwelling on the past. and Ihave discovered that the future becomes more important the older you get lol I am sorry you had to go through all that as a child, good luck with the mindfulness. I hope your neck improves too.

My ex didn't have a father and was close to his mother who i think was pretty nasty at times, don't know the whole story. Funny how you can be married to someone and not really know them that well! I didn't have a mother for many years when I was a child, so maybe we just matched in that way. but i had a pretty good childhood compared to some of the people on here by the sound of it. My husband could switch personalities, probably the demons coming out.

yes @Appleblossom you may be right about the way men didn't have healthy groups to socialise in, but i don't agree with it not being mens fault, i know some women can be difficult, but their is never any excuse to harm women, men can always walk away, they made the choice to harm women.

i just recently read a report, i can't remember where now, but it said it is estimated that 2 out of 3 women have experianced mental, sexual or physical abuse in their lives, two thirds of women!!!!!! this is totally unacceptable, men need to be held accountable for their actions, i don't know what the answer is.

I think it's the mothering instinct Jacques, we just want them to be okay (our husbands that is). But unfortunately it doesn't always work out, my ex went to counselling once and he just wouldn't go back. All the love in the world can't change their pain sometimes and then they take it out on you. But life goes on.

hi @hopeandsupport, you maybe right, but i still have to respectfully disagree, i have so much pain and hate and anger, but i would never take it out on another person, that is still no excuse, i usually take out the pain and hate on myself or an inatimate object, hammer a nail or something, i hate how men have to take out their frustrations on others, their is no excuse. men need to be taught that.

I am sorry about all your pain Jacques, I don't know your circumstances exactly but I am sad that you are taking it out on yourself too. Although the hammer and nail sounds like a good idea! My ex husband is a martial arts expert and it was usually when he drank that the abuse would take place, although he never hit me but he did terrorise me. Once I tried swearing under my breath ( read it somewhere) really angry haha, but these therapies are fleeting and if that's not your personality it doesn't really help in the long run. Is there anything else you like to do to get rid of your anger etc.? boxing?

My Father was an expert in martial arts too, but he never drank, and he never showed any sort of voilence at all, i am so lucky to have been brought up with such calm parents.

No self harm is the way i deal with everything, i have done for 14 years now, i don't think i am allowed to say my techniques, but i self harm every day, it is just the way i cope with things, the sad fact is i don't feel it any more, it is like i am numb to the self harm now, it is having less effect.

I am sure everyone has different ways of dealing with things, this is mine.

@Jacques I'm really sorry to hear that you self-harm every day. I imagine you experience your emotions as extremely overwhelming to feel the need to hurt yourself each day to get some release.

You said that this is your way of dealing with things - the way you phrased it sounds like you feel that this is your only way of dealing with things, however earlier you mentioned that hammering in a nail is another strategy you sometimes use... I'm wondering if there are any other coping strategies that you sometimes use instead of self-harm?

If not, I'm curious as to whether you have tried to find other coping strategies in the past? Given that self-harm has been the way you have been coping for 14 years, it would be understandable if developing other ways sounds really difficult, however given that you feel that self-harming is having less effect now (as well as hurting you!), I wonder if this is something you think would be worth re-exploring?

Sorry Jacques, I didn't realise it was so serious. I think you said you had lost your father and i am guessing it is because of this that you are so sad. I have lost both my parents now in the last few years, and it is hard. I can't really offer any advice as I'm not an expert. Perhaps there is a support group you could join, i hope you can get the help you need.