Re: Learning about Relationship Boundaries

Hi @Appleblossom,

I understand your hypersensitive reactions to things. I get rocked and emotional so easily and my perceptions become very magnified. I relate too to your hesitation about posting sometimes, especially that it can feel addictive. Insightful that you can see the possibility you are triggering yourself with some of what you write. When does self expression become a hindrance rather than a help? From my experience, it can go both ways. The challenge for us is to find a level. Hope the new day brings gentler feelings and greater peace of mind.

Thank you @Mazarita

I feel a little better with your heart felt reply..

I agree with @Viv recommendation to a BPD activist that "Love is sometimes not enough."

Why do men put us down? I don't know. but they need to be put in their place. You need to set boundaries for your husband and your son. I went through all this when I was younger. I am now 62. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been stronger and laid out the rules to my husband and if he didn't abide by them, he could pack his bags. I had three daughters, but your son will probably take on some of your husbands characteristics if you don't put a stop to it now. Sometimes we are so scared of being alone, from being abandoned when we were children or whatever, but it's better to be alone and sane than treated like you're being treated. Take control of your life and you will be a lot happier.

Hi @Appleblossom & @hopeandsupport, i agre with what @hopeandsupport has written, i know you love your son very much but some boundries need to be set, i am sure he loves you but he needs to know how to treat people, if he is continually putting you down, what is he going to do to a ptential partner? not to mention your own mental health, you need to come first, and your son needs to understand how inportant it is to treat people with respect, my mother would never tollerate being put down by me or anyone else, and she shouldent either.

i hope some day your son learns how important you are in his life, the unconditional support and love you give him and learns to treasure you like all of us treasure you.

i hope you are feeling better today, and please don't leave, i for one like your posts, i find them very insightful and helpful

Take Care

Jacques

Thank you @hopeandsupport. I was feeling very isolated and vulnerable.

I was trying to give my children what I did not have. .. a sense of confidence in their being and in their home and contact with their father. Imperfect like us all, but better than none.

I think I have to learn claim a sense of ME being at home. That the house is not something I provide for another person to be at home in. I dont watch tv unless by consensus. For about 7 years i did not go down to his end of the house except to cook or do essential cleaning. I tried to respect his space. He realises that I do love him so that is a big thing.

Hi Appleblossom

I am glad you are putting in some measures to improve your situation. I have a daughter with Schizophrenia and the past year she relapsed, just getting stabilised now. I too just feel like a cook and cleaner most of the time, and chauffeur! My daughter can't watch a lot of shows on television because of her illness, and she is just letting me watch my shows now, while she goes off and listens to music, she too is a musician. I hope your situation keeps improving, and yes I think keep showing your authority in your home, as Jacques said they need to be taught how to respect you.

Thanks for you reply @hopeandsupport

My daughter primarily plays guitar. She plays by ear, tried to do theory when at high school but told me she just couldn't do it, so I am not sure why, maybe her impending illness had something to do with it. I too learnt classical piano and went as far as 4th grade but I don't play now. She hasn't done much in the last year, but wants to take some guitar lessons again and because she is still in recovery it is a slow process. She belongs to a 'Symphonics' group but had some difficulty with one person there so doesn't want to go back. The illness really causes social problems, so we will just keep trying to find a place where she feels comfortable. I was interested to hear the groups that your son belongs to, I will try to see what else is available here in Brisbane. Best wishes.

Hi @Appleblossom

I have only just come across your post. I recall on Friday night as I was wrapping up you expressed feeling down, so I'm glad you opened up in here and shared what you are going through.

Even though you post alot, I think this is the first time I've seen you really open up about your tough times. You are always so wonderful at responding to people and assisting them, it's time for you to sit back and recieve the support - which it looks like @hopeandsupport and @Jacques have been providing.

In your original post you said that it feels addictive responding to the posts and mentioned that perhaps it could be triggering you. The last thing the Forums should do is make you feel worse, so it's really important to put boundaries in place on using the Forums.

I have noticed that you have posted a response in almost every new thread. This is very lovely and generous of you - but I'm not surprised that you're questioning whether being on the forums so much is triggering. Continually reading about people's tough times can be VERY triggering and can build up over time. Some other members have had similar experiences and have created some of the following boundaries for themselves:

- Only check the Forums once a day for an hour max (adjust this as appropriate)

- Only check and participate in Looking after our wellbeing and Enjoying time with others

- Take a break from the Forums for a set period of time (ppl have done things when they need to stop and take care of themselves)

- Don't respond to posts that talk about things that trigger me (and be aware of what those triggers are)

- Leave the Forums

I really think it's time for you to reflect back on what you want to get out of using the Forums and work on a healthier way to use them.

You have been so generous at responding to everyone - but it's time to work out what is best for you. It seems like from the responses since your first post that you have started thinking about this... but what about in context of the Forums - what can you put in place to ensure that the Forums are a healthy place for you?

@hopeandsupport

Re your daughter, the problem could be the other person in the group too. Conflict in community is very frequent. Now having been a piano teacher for 25 years and seeing how a huge range of families work, I am more philosophical about the concept of schizophrenia. it is not just a long, scary and difficult word. I appreciate your comments very much. Gently help your daughter to focus and theory and harmony will gradually make sense as she continues to play.