Re: Learning about Relationship Boundaries

I can honestly say that @Jacques saying I deserved respect is the first time in my life someone has ever said that. Thank you again.

I hope you are well today. Clay is a terrible soil to grow things from seed. With clay I plant things that are very tough and self generate like succulents and dig them up and divide again and let the force of their roo ts to break up the ground. Gypsum sprinkled can help a bit. Seasol is really good for plants that are established. Its great but I am wary of advertising that says "complete". For seed germinating maybe try a tray somewhere you can keep an eye on it. It is exciting to to see the shell of a seed pierced through by a little shoot bursting the new life .. dont give up on that idea yet.

WE ALSO NEED A FRONT DOOR TO KEEP THE WOLVES AT BAY.

Hi @Appleblossom,

i think sometimes when we feel guilty about our past we allow others to do/say things we ordniarily would not allow. it is good your sone is being more respectful, and it is good you are showing him where the line in the sand is.

i am hoping he has a successful relationship, but as with life we never know what is around the corner, we just have to roll with it and hope all works out ok.

I agree sometimes it is not good to be naieve, we need to make sure we are safe and not being taken advantage of.

I think sometimes we like to blame others as it makes us feel better about the situation we find ourselves in, i have got into the blame game, not really knowing who to blame or if it is my fault i have turned out the way i am. yes we have all had bad things happen to us, but that is life, most people are in the same boat, some are just able to proccess it better than others.

I am glad things are working out betewwn you and your son, family is the most important thing in the world, friends come and go family are here forever.

Jacques

A lot depends on context. I dont have a "normally would not allow" sense.

Teaching piano has been great as I have learned the body language of people who are starting out with respect. I have faced a few situations in that professional life that was abusive and I was being forced to collude with behaviour that I found offensive .. I gently put my point forward and eventually those people left me but not without the "victim" getting some small sense of support from me, within their family constellation. I am talking about abusive tiger mothers and spouses. Part of the reason i dont teach that much any more is that I dont need a high standard of living and am finding my moral centre that says I will not prostitute myself to people just because they have money. They than can go and get another teacher to do the schmoozing and confidence building and play the power games. I have some self respect.

Public teachers have different situations to deal with and that is what your "special" friend is coming up agianst, but she is also very lucky to have so much support, financial resources and top health care. I do hope she tells herselt that OFTEN, though I agree it may take a long time to be able to feel it, but the first step is telling herself to be grateful.I am also protective of overstretched services.

Did you read the thread about the woman struggling to feed her children noodles.I was impressed by her. Some people do catastrophise. It is just I was not one. catastrophisers make it difficult for those who are facing far more difficult circumstances. We all have to count our blessings.

There are limits to how we can control another person.

I did not blame my mother's family for the first 30 years ... I loved them, but now I am less impresssed. Its not blame I feel .. I have worked hard for what I have and who ia am. In some ways I am proud of myself.

One big first "boundary" was when a homeless man tried to talk to me when I was sitting at a bus stop when girls were little. I really felt for him but felt also I had to move away to protect them. They came before him. My ex husband was jealous of anyone who spoke to me and derogatory about everybody . I felt for his MI too but not any more. He had an overprivileged upbringing and needed to show gratitude too.

Now I am seeing that what others call abuse .. I put up with for over 50 years without self protection .. I thought it normal .. took responsibility and tried to be optimistic .. working, trying to improve things, figuring out a way through the morass ..

My exhusband wasted 10 years of the best years of my life blaming his ex and her well to do family and pressuring me to take up the slack then turned on me and started talking blamegames about me....

I would have been the first of my family to go ...NOBODY cared about me .. even my mother used me dreadfully .. if it had not been for the generosity of the "have a bong" or "pass the joint" cultures I would have been the first to go .. I am angry now at the pop a legal pill mantra. Those pills do damage too .. so it is important to be aware.

It was quite different from the current "Ice" culture .. it is sad what the marginalised kids get into these days. Social evolution is uneven like the personalities of many marginalised people.

I dont expect you to understand everything about me, but I am fond of you anyway. You are younger .. it is the same as I cannot really know what it is like to live in wartime Europe I can only imagine ...

Wow, just Wow, i hope what i said did not offend you, it was not intended as an insult, i know everybodys situation and life experiances are different, i try not to judge people, as i have a varied extended family too, some like me exremely poor, and others milti-millionairs, and others inbetween.

i used to never understand people with MI using drugs, and to some extent i still don't and do, if i had to find a job and be normal i would have to turn to illegal drugs to cope, but i know it is only a short term solution as in the long term it creats more anxiety and depression. but i do not judge, i just don't understand.

I am glad your some is not violent, and is becomming more respectful, but sometimes mental violence can be more damaging than physical violence, i know with my mother, my constant mood swings has done major damageto her mentally, to the point she is not the same person she was 20 years ago, i know i have doen damage, but am unable to fix the damage i have done. (i hope it makes sense).

Sometimes parents can cause more damage to a relationship and personal development than strangers, my fathers mother was always tryng to split my parents up and take me away from them. looking back at it now she had severe anxiety problems and could not let go of my father, or share him with my mother.

once again i am sorry if you found anything i said offensive.

Take Care

Jacques

Wow! thank you for sharing all that!

you've had a lot of hard ship in your life, but you are so strong and have a great sense of what life is about, what is important and know who you are, you're inspirational!

very glad you are here,

LJ

Thank you @Jacques and @Former-Member for reading and replying.

It was a long post .. no you never offended me @Jacques. You were quite reasonable, it was a normal position to take, but perhaps I have been offended by assumptions by other people generally over the years and I am reacting to that.

@Jacquesdont feel too guilty about your mum .. she may have suffered, but some of that will be normal ageing, and she must be happy about having your company and handyman and computer help. She obviously loves you and the evidence does suggest that for people to grow independent they have to disagree with their parents. Be different somehow. It is a part of individuating. Western society seems to be making a mess of rites of passage. Its only ok for a few.

I am lucky in that I have had a rich full life. When I am housebound, I lie in bed and dream of the Meditterranean or Indonesia .. or the stars. I dont take offence easily. I get triggered in other ways. I really like you ..

I was triggered writing that post, but now am glad that I did.

I never got into drugs, my mother used a lot... and I guess the things she put me through and feeling as though i was the least important part of her life and had to raise my siblings... unless she needed money... put me off succesfully... or I realised early on that the only safe place was high school, and when i was incredibly lucky that a few teachers took an interest in me and somehow saw past my parents and took me under their wings.. and i saw a way to escape through education. thats not to say that i never tried anything.. i experimented once or twice.. and gave myself alcohol poisonng at the age of 15... but thats the only time i've ever been drunk (LOL i was sick for weeks after.. maybe that was a good lesson too!)

we all have different experiences i guess... and go different ways. but our pasts are just our pasts...

lj

Nay I had a cleen house that way, even eventually no smell of cigarette smoke on mee, but ex hubbie never managed that and would get into justifying raves about bonding with highflyers in business while outside for a smoko. Cant say I am impressed by that.

"The now" is an ever evolving reality.

very true... I didnt mean that they don't affect our present, just that there's not much we can do about what happened then. I'm trying to get into the mindfulness stuff that two of the mental health people that i've seen in the last few weeks keep talking about... acceptance...

I'm glad that your son did what you asked.. in the now!!! thats good! hopefully thats something that can continue... at least most of the time!

Thats no good about your neck! my neck is terrible at the moment.. i know i should really talk to someone about it, i'm having trouble driving because i cant turn it enough to look back to my cars blind spot. I hate being touched though, and asked questions lol! Having continual headaches and a few migraines a week again too, not sure if its just stress or my neck. oh the joys of life! 😄

LJ

Acceptance can be good, the old fashioned version is also known as the Serenity Prayer and talks about change. I accepted far too many of the wrong things ... like being abused, didnt have a choice though, doubt things would have turned out much better if I had made different choices.

Yes blind spots are tricky with necks which is why I was stuck in fast lane for 13 years on the freeway. Get it looked at.

I know I was battling airplane speeds since the 1990s so I knew I would never catch up in my little car. I am ok with coming last in some races. My brother who was one of the big racers always jammed jargonised versions of pop psychology down my throat. I am glad that we have 500 miles between us.I still love him though. Will be sad when he goes, but not like when other sibs died. He has just hired new doctor at 70k per month. I decided to say "no" to his last invitation to hop on plane, but am sending son, and going to get more soft tissue work done on back and neck. Finding people in walking distance from home.