Re: Learning about Relationship Boundaries

Happy Birthday Dad ... I cant ever remember you getting attention for yourself ...

just got the date off files.

Congradulations @Appleblossom,

It is a wonderful thing you found your fathers birthday, he sounded like an amazing man from what you told me.

wishing you all the best today, remember the good times, get strength from the memories.

Take care

Jacques

I had a laugh at the chorus on Sunday.

We were talking about the libretto ... that men could take their choice ... of all the captive female slaves etc

we agreed it could be very triggering for some one raw from an experience of abuse ... then the other lady suggested the women have an uprising with kn ives or scissors ... so that when we were singing it at the top of our lungs ... we would not be reinforcing bad imagery upon ourselves ... misogynistic libretti have made me sad for a long time ... but they are a dime a dozen ...

then her husband came from the same US state as my ex ... I was flooded with panic but quickly engaged in the subject without conflating the 2 different men... so proud of me ... maybe I can get over it ???

I am also sometimes a little paranoid or is it just protective over my son from the girlfriend ... she invited me to a concert without son ... it was nice .. but she was following a young conductor ...her father said the relationship was not romantic ... when we were out with other adults ... and hope my son and I are not being used for our knowledge of music ... and then given the usual middle class flick ... is this just mother paranoia???

Hi @Appleblossom,

Congratulations on avoiding the conflation of your ex with this different man. I hope you can over the experience with the ex because, though blame may be due, it probably gives us better feelings if we can be free of that. This might be a bit too 'new age' but I really do believe in forgiveness though I've not always been able to do it or it's taken a long time to get there. In the case of exes who I have felt to be abusive, I have broken contact altogether and tried my best to move on without returning to the memories too much. However, my situations haven't been as long or involved other people so much, certainly not families revolving around it.

Not sure what to say about your possible paranoia about your son's girl. I didn't really understand what you meant by 'she was following a young conductor'. Did you mean on the night you went out together she was following him around talking to him? It's always hard to read situations from what we write on the page but for some reason I doubt that she would be using you. What her relationship is with your son is probably best left between them. I always felt grateful that my parents let me make my own mistakes about my choice of partners.

But as you know I never had children so my perspective may be a bit wonky. Either way, I just wanted to respond to this post that felt like it was waiting for a reply. And to just talk with you more.

Thanks for reply @Mazarita

I am not used to talking these kinds of "feeling" or "relationship" things through ... even though I have been alive for a while. Its probably just my fear that I and my biology and my children really are inferior and might get hurt ... we dont have much support.

anyway I am sharing a few paranoid thoughts now rather than stewing and messing things up. thanks for listening.

Forgiveness is more associated in my mind with christianity and my mother often told me to forgive 70x7 ... which I tried to do ...her and everybody ... a lot ... maybe like a silly fool ... to the point I now, suffer from a lot of Stockholm Syndrome ... I dont know if I love, excuse or understand or am compassionate to an abuser ... am I just masochistic ... but I know NOW I dont want to experience unecessary pain ... its tricky.

@Appleblossom,

It is tricky navigating these things when we have had bad experiences in the past. I think you already know I struggle a fair bit with thoughts that at least border on paranoia. Mostly I can tell when they are that and talk myself around. But sometimes I have been seriously misguided by these kinds of thoughts. So I try to be careful about the darker end of my perceptions about others.

I think my MI is genetic, at least to some extent. For some reason this gives me a feeling of relief that it's not all just me being bad. I'm sorry to hear about your fears that you and your family are inferior. Sounds a bit like self-stigma perhaps, of which I have a fair bit too I think, in various ways.

You are right that forgiveness is associated with Christianity. I was first taught about it there as well. The new age movement has taken up lots of spiritual ideas from other paths. It just so happens that I think about the new age a lot more now because of partner and friend around the corner being so into various streams of it, in their own unique way. Because I am more questioning, agnostic and into rationality, I stand as the skeptic in my little circle of association. But I do find great resonance in many new age ideas.

However, I can see how forgiveness being forced down your throat too much could lead to trouble and even a possible rebound reaction in the other direction. I try to avoid unnecessary pain these days too. I agree that being led by 'the loving thing' is a good way to go.

Hi @Appleblossom

I'm always kind of in awe of your posts, you post with a natural honesty that helps me to connect with myself in a way. Perhaps because a lot of the questions you ask yourself of your experiences i can relate to. Sometimes i don't have the words (or courage) to really respond though!

I hope that your sons girl is truly 'in love' with your son and that things really work out for the long term, it would be lovely for your son I think, to have that stability and influence in his life, from what you've said before that is. And I'm glad to hear that your relationship sounds to be good and perhaps growing deeper. I'm not good with relationships and I usually suspect the worst, but often its only me thinking these things. Unfortunately though there isnt anything you can really do in this situation i guess, but wait, watch and see. I'm guessing that no matter what you'll be there for your son. My younger brother used to go through girlfriends so quickly.. he'd be devastated each time he broke up with someone, but he coudlnt stand to be alone, but it was very draining going through that each time. I havent had any contact with him for a long time now, but still often think of him, hoping he got on to a better path.

Sometimes just the act of writing things out on here, (or, for me, to my psychologist) helps me to put things in perspective and see what im thinking a bit more subjectively, or rationally... I think thats what you meant by saying you were sharing your thoughts rather than stewing and messing things up? I occassionally have a small smile at myself when i realise how absurd i might have been thinking once ive written it out (not that you have been!!).

I'm not sure about 'forgiveness' either. I havent ever let myself be 'angry' at anyone but myself. I've held all the blame for myself and thats kind of kept me in control, but therapy has been challenging that which then leads to the position of shifting some of that self blame else where leaving me to try and form a new understanding of the circumstances and the people of my life. In some ways the pain for me has made it easier... back to the control thing! but.... so many different points challenge my thinking into self arguments that i cant resolve... yet. But i dont think what ever you 'feel' is wrong.. and i think we are capable of loving and hating, understanding, denying, and appreciating someone elses view... at the same time. we are very complex!

I hope you can be gentle with yourself and get some sleep tonight,

I'm glad you found your da's birthday and were able to mark it.

LJ

She has heavily pursued my son ...

I think I am just afraid of so many past betrayals ... but I at least I have lived a full life and am trying to get son to have his bite of the apple ... yet not push ... .. its unconscious fear ... decades of people telling me its genetic .. mostly by people who didnt and dont have a clue what genetics is .. so I research.

I looked at a bit of New Age when I was young but pretty quickly found it too airy fairy for my inner skeptic and early science ...

Yes I will just keep on trying to do the loving thing ...that way at least my conscience doesnt bite me too hard.

I am learning to be less accomodating and naive and ask for more ... but still be fair.

Thanks for chatting ... another point of view.

Goodnight, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member. Hope we all get some restful sleep...

dear @Former-Member

your message is .......beautiful.

you know .....I was just reading messages last night when ....in my life....something was happening here.......so to calm me down thought i read posts that I dont usually contribute to.

someone suggested to list the positives in your life.....@Jacques wrote it i think.

Do you think you could do this and hang it on the fridge....

It's easy for us to think of all our wrongs......

I love what you write that writing here gives you perspective. It does for me too.

Ive been really struggling with memories of my past in the last say 10 years....of how I was caught unawares by other people's aggression. Im so going to read the talk about anger.

@PeppyPatti

Anne