Re: Learning about Relationship Boundaries

I guess I believe a true mother will be able to see the humanness of anger and difficult behaviour in their children without idealising them ... I felt I had to ensure he found some goodness ... it is a tricky line to walk

... I am not into smother and too much coochy coochy ... or blanket admiration of charming or cute kids over others ... I am just as likely to be attracted to a tough kid to try and get in under defences and bring out some softness ... etc... there is a mix of good and bad in us all .... and even if a person is truly just a nice person ... if they remain untouched by human sufffering throughout their life then they have a problem ... that is why I like the Buddha story ... his story is a little gentler regarding suffering than the Christian story ... but both emerged as traditions for a good reason ...

I changed thread from "Crying" to "Learning about Relationship Boundaries" as it seemed a more proactive title and a new theme for me to explore.

My son and girlfriend did pass audition.

I have found my "I". It has been so difficult as the training and pressure were always on providing for life and death situations of others or "obeying" (mum, social-workers teachers) or co-operating (wider society).

From my Mindspot course materials is a section on Healthy Boundaries

I am interested in general and pesonal comments.

1a) Being able to say "no" or delay doing something without feeling guilty.

1b) Being able to express your thoughts, feelings or doing things that are important to you.

2a) Holding others responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions

2b) Holding oneself responsible for thoughts, feelings, and actions

3a) Respect the rights of others to express thoughts, feelings and do what is important to them.

3b) Being confident to ask questions or make appropriate requests of authority figures.

4a) Having clear idea about needs, wants, and opinions and some sense of how this may effect others.

4b) Respecting that others needs, wants, and opinions may be different from yours.

I have been thinking about most of these concepts for a while under different headings than "Boundaries"

I have held myself very accountable, and feel some sense of validation in the idea that others ought be held accountable too.

Too often now people dismiss anything with the slightest hint of "blame".

There are a few difficult positions about these statements when serious needs are in serious conflict.

This is a heavily populated world with limited resources.

Right on @Appleblossom, please lookup GNH.

The kingdom of Bhutan in the 1970's rated their national economy on gross national happiness instead of gross domestic product.

It is such a shame be countries can't base their countries on people's happyness, only corporate greed and consumerism.

Thank you @Appleblossom for the thought provoking topic.

Jacques

Thank you

It is telling that Bhutan is a predominantly buddhist country ... experienced colonisation ... and is surrounded by bigger neighbours.

But you know what is sad ... I did look up GNH and first page in yahoo search engine came up with Great New Haven Warriors ... ie a hockey team ... I thought that is not what @Jacques meant so dig a bit more.

Next page top of the search list was the CIA ... I am not kidding. Then I got to the guardian link below ... bloody Americans can be so paranoid. Sorry if that sounds racist ... I dont want America to disappear from the global hegemony but just pull their head in a little bit...

Here is a good article

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2012/dec/01/bhutan-wealth-happiness-counts

I have never understood how big western countries based their countries on money, if it is so wonderful why are so many europeans, Americans and Australians on anti depressants, something is wrong with our system when we measure each other on what we have, not the values and passions we have.

so sad too see so many people still think they can be happy with things.

I can't believe that you managed to find the Cia it is so sad to see what this world is turning into. but it is what the popular want. Oh the joys of democracy, or free dictatorship (which is what I call it) we don't have much of a say on how the country is run, the corporations control everything now.

Your last post expressed the situation so well. @Jacques

Perhaps we could have a thread topic and discussion about what brings us happiness. If we go from the current SANE poll ... it is being in nature or in a peaceful mental place ... I hazard a guess that is true for most humans not just us on the forum.

In some ways just relating what brings us happiness can be less loaded than the pressure to see the positive or be grateful ... when we honestly are not feeling that way.

@Appleblossom My initial reaction to the Mindspot list was that I didn't really relate, like the whole thing was too simplified and even a bit overbearing in telling us how to think or be with others. I see relationships as fluid. The heart and the gut hold a fair bit of sway with me, in combination with the mind. But I was interested to try to reflect on the list from a personal perspective:

• Being able to say "no" or delay doing something without feeling guilty (the guilt part is the trickiest for me)
• Being able to express your thoughts, feelings or doing things that are important to you (I'm mostly able to express myself but I sometimes get stuck in withdrawal from the world able to do very little)
• Holding others responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions (I try to forgive people as much as possible for everything but this has often involved putting distance between myself and other people)
• Holding oneself responsible for thoughts, feelings, and actions (possibly to an excessive degree)
• Respect the rights of others to express thoughts, feelings and do what is important to them (yes)
• Being confident to ask questions or make appropriate requests of authority figures (yes but it scares me)
• Having clear idea about needs, wants, and opinions and some sense of how this may effect others (in some ways, yes; I'm not sure how I affect others but I try not to cause harm)
• Respecting that others needs, wants, and opinions may be different from yours (yes)

At the end of doing this, I feel better about the list. It's reminded me of some things. Cheers for posting it.

Thanks for thinking about it and replying @Mazarita.

I wasnt 100% sure about the list but found it interesting to reflect upon too. I paraphrased slightly ... maybe if those things arent in Mood gym I may do that course next year or so ... when I need another brush up ... it is good for me to make future plans ... not a common mindset for me.

I agree that relationships can be fluid ... yet some aspects are non-negotiable eg ancestry and progeny.

I thought I held self responsible to an excessive degree and have done a lot of work on forgiveness too, including the christian meanings of it.... I found the concept of holding another responsible intriguing.. a new way of looking at things.