Re: Learning about Relationship Boundaries

Love you to post a pic when you can.

I have been at a long time and I do many stretches that help. Thanks.

I agree, @Appleblossom, we seem to cherry pick our memories to only see the good in our parents, i am starting to learn some troubling topics about my grandparents, and can now understand why my parents could not show any affection, i always see my parents as good parents, and they where, but they should never have had children, they where not the "parenting" type.

My mother agrees, she often says parenting is either in you or it isn't, i often wonder why people hated my father so much, he was so kind and gentle, had a temper, of course, like me regular anger releases, but i can't understand why he was not liked.

It is a shame @Appleblossom that you, i and thousands of others have had such negative experiences with religion, i am a staunch Athiest, because of the hate i have witnessed in religious people, of all faiths.

Yes i try to force myself not to show my anger, it is hard, but i don't want to traumatise anyone with it, i think that is why i am turning more and more to SH, as a way to release the anger and frustration. i find gardening very rewarding, seeing the end result and seeing all the animals enjoying my creation.

i Agree it is very important to know the "whole" person, i think that is why i like this forum so much, people are sharing all aspects of their life with each other, supporting to low times, and celebrating the good times.

I have never been able to let go of the past, i know that is where a lot of my problems come from, but i direct all of my hatred at the past for making myself what i am, and others for contributing to it.

I am glad you have been able to slowly move forward, you are a very talented, kind, and thoughtful person. i hope the future holds some peace for you.

Jacques

Thank you for your thoughtful response @Jacques

I am slowing down a bit in my responses on the forum. When I first arrived at the forum my thoughts were fast and my fingers were firing away at the keyboard. I felt a great sense of acceptance and interest and engaged with different people as much as I could.

I am always reflecting I guess.

I have done the mindspot assesment and will start their wellbeing course in Sept. It will help while I organise supports for me irl.

At the moment I am doing ok. Enjoying my son's return and watching him mature is pleasing. He is out today and tonight and is gradually getting out more and more .. but also very keen to get home last night ... so I breath a sigh of relief.

I was feeling very flaky yesterday and though I had a nice compliment last night, it was so bad yesterday I wanted to post about it and get feedback.

I was back to the place where large trucks buses, trains and trams could all be viewed as potential tools. A month ago I had gazed at the tracks and hoped that I was over the sense of torturing myself with SI, but yesterday it was in full swing, despite all my mental attempts to deflect it.

For the last 12 months I have been engaged in 2 new socio-musical activities. They have the potential to be great and life-giving experiences. One is my choir and the other is a recorder consort. I am having a similar personality clash with a younger female in both groups and feel very disturbed, pushed out, bulldozed, disappointed, defensive etc.I feel there is no place for me anywhere, even though some people in both groups have made me feel very welcome.

Yesterday I went across town, had first lesson for 3 months, and then went to choir and was driven home by new conductor friend. Left my car at the station but never mind ...

I had looked up personality clashes online but found the "cease-fire" reccommended impossible to implement. I blabbed and almost became incoherent and almost cried in choir ... at recorder my teacher knew it wasnt going well talked about hated and clashing notes and resolutions and gave me extra time .. and arranged new lesson for fortnight.

I realise that I have to learn to deal with it but dont know how. I become so incapacitated, I was distracted and edgy in choir, though it has gradually been building up and hostility and derision made quite clear last week.

They are both centre of attention types greedily hogging everything they can possibly can .. I am sure they both have little insecurities that justify their excesses but I need to let people know that there are straws that can break camels backs.

Any suggestions.

I am playing the piano a bit today to try to stabilise myself .. just a lot of Bach. I have given car keys to son and his girlfriend (she drives) and they collected car at train station and have taken it and gone busking.

I havent played much piano as for last few years due to worry about son and also his competitveness which he doesnt realise that he does have a bit.

Its like I am giving up ... it is not just a question of will ... it is that emotional stress is so long term...

Hi @Appleblossom,

I am so sorry you are having a tough time of late, as for the strong personalities it makes it tough and uncomfortable, i can't give you any answers as i usually run away from situations like the one you described.

Please remember these feelings you are having are only temporary, you will move past them.

@Appleblossom, i think you have bee nso tense and focused on your sons recovery and wellbeing you have been not noticing what a toll it has taken on you, now you know he is finally on the road to recovery, you are able to relax a bit and allow all those years of caring for him to be released, i know when i was caring for my father, when he died it felt like a sense of releif for him and me, when you are in the situation of a carer your entire focus is on the other person and we neglect ourselves.

I am so glad you are able to allow the emotion to release, it shows that you and your son are finally free, aloow the emotion and all the feelings to flow @Appleblossom, it is now time to look after you.

Take care, Be safe

Jacques

Thank you @Jacques for replying and supporting me. Somehow I can take it from you ... maybe just part of our individual uniqueness.

I sometimes say that the feelings and thoughts are only passing as a mantra until I can finally focus on something less triggering.

Recently one good thing started to happen to me musical themes of the works I am singing started spontaneously popping inot my head .. it is kind of nice ... for too long it was other unwelcome intrusive thoughts. Music was in my mind only as a deliberate function of the will ...

Yesterday going into town was shocking for me as I saw so many opportunities, and if I give into that part of myself at the wrong moment .. catastrophic consequences could occur. I told my son a little that I am struggling but I dont want to be as open as I am here ... or that would scare him ... things are delicate enough for me.

Not sure how to deal with big personalities either .. I usually retreat too .. but as parent we are obliged to not retreat all the time. Hoping those on forum who are more socially confident etc will help ..

I have just discovered "social penetration theory".

I will try and come to understand high and low risk self disclosure .. most of it has been high risk with me .. I couldnt even have access to tv or movies so have nice safe non personal conversations .. but it seems relevant to my history... and then after so much deeply personal comments would emerge from my mouth without a filter .. I can seem to manage it when working though .. but lost confidence in going back to main workforce by repeated put downs.

Anyway it gives me something to work on and I am doing the Mindspot course.

I havent heard of that before, I might have to look it up... i have opposite problem with disclosure, i never tell anyone in real life anything lol.. which means i dont get much help or understanding i guess. but also find everything triggering...

How are you finding the mindspot course?

LJ