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living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

Unknown userMember10 Apr 2017, 9:44 am AEST

living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

hi @Former-Member, @CheerBear, @Spookytookims, @Former-Member and everyone else

I've had a few ask about what its like living with DID. So I decided to do a new thread. First off for those who dont know there are varying degrees of DID, from just feeling far away or distanced to having distinct alternate personalities or identies. In my case I have distinct alters to the point they have names and one has even been diagnosed with autisim which is rare.

So to make it so people can get a better idea I'm Aj the owner of the body. Then there is Kelly she is around the age of 4. Kelly actually started off as my imaginary friend when i was little then I went through a period of wanting to be the imaginary one due to abuse from someone i trusted. so Kelly is also the Autistic one, she will scream when touched and doesnt talk often sits and watches the clouds. the longest she has been out is 2 weeks. I am not co-consious with any of my alters when they are out i lose time. Kelly will come out usually if i feel scared or insecure and can be hard on my partner when our son wants mummy.

Next is sarah she is around 6 and is the easiest to handle often my partner cant tell she is out til she starts humming somesort of tune (we havent worked out what it is) she is a typical 6 yr old and the best part is my little boy isnt afected by her when shes out he just thinks mummy has taken time to play with him.

Then there is Casey while she comes out very little she needs constant monitoring as she self-harms but she doesnt usually come out unless get real down. thankfully my son has never had to encounter her.

i also have another alter but she is not as distinct as the others.

yes most of my alters a littles or children, i have been told this is because of my age when my childhood abuse started and when significant truma was present.

i was three when my abuse started. i was 22 when i finally cut the cord of emotional abuse my mother used on me. if anyone has questions i am happy to answer them

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In response to: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

ludoCasual Contributor11 June 2017, 6:12 pm AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

Hi @Scar, I don't really get complete loss of time so much any more or if I do it seems like it might be only for short periods of time, like maybe a hour or two. But I am often very vague about times. I can come home from an appointment and not remember what was talked about but I remember being there. I used to loose time a lot more. There is certainly a lot of time in the past that is missing. If I was to be in a situation where I was really scared or really anxious I might 'leave' though. I was retraumatised a few years ago and got really sick and there is a lot of times missing during that period.

Oh and I am constantly running in to people who start up converstations with me who clearly know who I am and we seem like we know each other well and in my head I am thinking " is there any part who has any idea who this person is and if so tell me right now". Usually I just hear giggling.

In response to: Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

mudsumSenior Contributor11 June 2017, 10:49 pm AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

@ludo you have a great ability to explain clearly. feel like i too can really relate to your posts. thankyou for sharing.

i Have times that i do not remember whats going on at all. I had a time that i was stuck outside my therapists and couldn't remember what car i drove, where i had parked or where i lived. I had moved about 3 years ago but still didn't recognise my new house or new car.
it can be so freaky but also normal at the same time. I totally hear the gigling too. would appreciate if they didn't giggle but yes.

other times that ive been found in my car by "friends" who ask me what i'm doing and i just reply its not me your talking to and they freak out as i've gone by a different name.

or hte more usual just the continuous chatter in my head. the decision making from what to eat/wear/what to do.

@Scar, tell us a bit about you. welcome

In response to: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

mudsumSenior Contributor11 June 2017, 10:51 pm AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

@ludo also seems as though you have made drastic healing in the last 2 years. well done congrats to you !!! owowser

In response to: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

Unknown userMember11 June 2017, 11:11 pm AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

it sounds like 'hearing voices' but for us its on the inside. How is it different to 'normal' internal dialogue? Yesterday I was triggered and for the first time I was aware of at least 3 of me, pulling in different directions, hating the manifesting 'weakling' that was out. Somehow they didnt take over. Today I woke up very different, not the same as any of them.but this is stronger and rested. Don't like it when triggered Luke yesterday and switched I think. Or is it just normal human emotions? This is a difficult disorder. They say we have alters to protect ourselves. Once I realised this it scared me less.

In response to: Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

ludoCasual Contributor12 June 2017, 10:50 am AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

Thank you @mudsum but I have a very long way to go. It has been longer than two years as I suspected DID for many years and I have been working with that assumption. I was just officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist 2 years ago. I have done a lot of reading and research on DID and it has helped. The turn around for me didn't happen until I learnt to trust my parts as a whole. Once I had met a core group, they really helped me and taught me how the system works and they pull me up when I go wrong, which is often.

In response to: Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

mudsumSenior Contributor12 June 2017, 11:03 am AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

@Former-Member i too can often struggle and ask my therapist, how is this any differnt from anything else.
it is a hard disorder

and as for the internal conflict which it sound sounds you had it can be so exhausting and difficult.

In response to: Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

MaggieSenior Contributor13 June 2017, 2:57 pm AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

Hi everyone, I try to come on here but the fear seems stronger. Been struggling lately, fallen into a deep pit as well as everything else. I amaze myself that I got through yet another night of S battles and SH. Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is too hard. For now I just do what I can and don't do what I can't. I do find I have personalities that are helpful at times and greatful they take over, auto pilot mode. Sometimes I wonder if depression causes more problems than DID, but who knows, yes WHO knows. It's good reading through how others are going, helps with the loneliness. That's funny, loneliness yet I have over 60 personalities!!!!

In response to: Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

-Rayne-Senior Contributor15 June 2017, 7:06 pm AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

welcome @ludo and @Scar

I've not been on here much. @mudsum things are just tiring now. Nothing new. Nothing we haven't done a million times before but we have a new therapist, which is exhausting and work/study more than fulltime which is also exhausting, so when things aren't smooth, it takes a toll.

@Maggie I'm glad you're here. Even if you can't say a whole lot I find it's good to know there are others out there who get it.

In response to: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

Unknown userMember15 June 2017, 11:24 pm AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

I get it @-Rayne-, in part anyway, everyone is so individual, unique.
Hi @ludo
@Scar
@mudsum
@Maggie
@everyone

In response to: Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

mudsumSenior Contributor17 June 2017, 9:17 am AEST

Re: living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

Oh @Maggie, i so hear you!!! so hear you. there is a community right here within but the loneliness is killing. and isolating.
i love that you say "for now i just do waht i can and don't do what i can't" you seem to have an understnading in that statment that there are things we have to put down and wait for.
love it. well done. you have indeed made it!!!

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