Not coping with life - may trigger

Hey @Gumtree, hang onto those comforting memories, they are definitely the ones worth holding onto.

I should just let the water wash those burnt bridges away, but I just can't bring myself to do so. I've noticed that my partner now and previous partners have all commented how blunted I am when it comes to intimacy (not sexual, just affection and closeness). I can't help but think it stems from my past traumatic experiences with my own family, rather than any sort of psychotic symptomology?

Huge sighs from me 😞 I've written my Dad and family a letter explaining how I feel. I'll probably just rip it up but it was kind of cathartic to write. I've done this before in the form of a text message and requested that my Dad doesn't try and contact again until I am ready, but he ignored my wishes and blasted me for it over the phone. I don't understand that man, I really really don't. He ignores me most of the time, but when I ask for no contact, he then harasses me. I can't win.

Therefore the letter will probably remain unsent.

Tonight has been very sad. We (my gf, her Mum and me) took our old dog to the vet as she was coughing and the vet told us bad news. We were told she desperately needed an operation to save her life, costing thousands and no guarantees it would make her better. So, we put her to sleep. The Vet allowed us to stay with her until she passed which was very quickly. Very very saddened.

Feeling sad. Trying to hold up the mask that all is well though. I have no idea why I feel like I am falling apart. I was asked if I would enjoy a quiet tipple tonight, but I feel like if I were to indulge in alcohol, I'd lose control of myself completely and let my feelings out. Something that wouldn't be pleasant at all. I am struggling to have coherent thought at times, it is like my thoughts are being interfered with, but I know that is just my own paranoia acting up and is just a silly delusion.

I can't allow myself to become unwell or struggle, I feel so disappointed in myself. I have my ceremony coming up and study and possibility of a small holiday somewhere in between.

Sorry for the rant and ramble, just allowing thoughts to come to the forefront in a safe place before I shut down again.

Hey @Queenie it sounds like you've got a fair bit happening at the moment. Good on you for listening to your body and deciding to not drink tonight especially if that might complicate things further. That takes courage and strength so I'm glad you were able to pay attention to these feelings.

You've got some awesome things coming up like that ceremony and a possible holiday (how exciting!). Perhaps now's a good time remind you and everyone that there are people you can talk to and reach out to before shutting down, like:

@utopia I'm trying very hard not to get sucked into the depression vortex. I truly am. I'm determined not to let it win (even though it's a tough battle as all I'm doing of late is sleeping even though I realise that's pretty counter-productive, it all I can seemingly handle).

@Pepsimax thank you for thinking of me. I appreciate your kind words.

@Kurra unfortunately I can't go to the respite house at the moment, no matter how much I'd like to. With my ceremony just a month away, I've got to be home to handle all the preparations. I'm scared every day that I will flip out and lose control, but so far with lots of sleep, I'm handling it.

I'm disappointed I've been forced by my gf to one again cancel my psychologist appointment this month, as she made an appointment for herself in another town and I have to go with her. I guess that's life though, a bit of give and take. It's just I really needed this appointment is all. Hopefully I can reschedule for another time soon enough.

@Queenie. Can you get another quick appointment with your psychologist? or maybe your gf can reschedule her appointment. It's just that your psychologist appointments are too important for you to skip. They need to be a priority. Hopefully your psychologist will have a cancellation where you can fit in.