Not coping with life - may trigger

Hi @Queenie, I'm really sorry to hear how much you are struggling at the moment. Your story sounds similar to mine in many ways. I too am a lowly pensioner when all I want in the world is the career that I spent 12 years at uni working towards. My deepest grief is my lack of employment. I accept that the "friends and family" thing is never going to be a part of my world, but I truly thought I could create something worth living for in terms of a career. I still think I could do that, if only I could find the right support. Alas, even though my psychologist and I are both trying super hard to connect, the reality is we are very different people and I'm really not sure she can help me achieve my goal.

I wish I had something helpful to say...but I'm afraid all I can say is that I hear you and you are not alone in struggling with the things you are struggling with.

I don't think I'll ever get over the loss of my former career @Kurra. In hindsight, what happened to me was illegal from a discrimination point of view, but there isn't much I can do now about that. I often thought about taking legal action against my former employer, but it isn't worth it and now too much time has passed anyway.

I know in hindsight, it isn't too late to forge a career in the mental health field. I am only early middle aged (not quite 40) so there is still time. But I have to ask myself at what cost am I going to pursue this career. I only wanted to be sucessful to make my father proud like he used to be before my first breakdown. If I don't have his support and approval, it would make any success I had in study feel cheapened if that makes sense? My father keeps on asking when am I returning to study, when am I going to get a job etc etc. I desperately want these things to make him proud of me once again. Nuts isn't it? I chose mental health as my chosen career path because I think, from my own experience, that mental health professionals with lived experience are sorely lacking. I want desperately to be a social worker, earn a life for myself once again (the pension lets face it, is hardly a lifestyle choice because of the pittance you have to survive on).

@Glorianna I am crying hard even thinking of the ill words and ill feelings that has been said to me by family over the years. I have few loved ones who are interested in anything I have to say (just my gf and her mother). Because they weren't there from the beginning of the abuse and neglect, I feel it is difficult to rehash without me getting extremely upset. Upset isn't a state of mind I don't like being in as it can sometimes (combined with stress) bring on an episode. Episodes are horrible enough to deal with alone, now I have my gf and her family to think of it is twice as difficult.

I've tried so hard to forgive and forget or let their harsh criticisms go, writing them letters and burning them. Sometimes I think I should write a letter and actually post it, but I don't want to ruffle any more feathers so to speak.

@Phoenix_Rising that's a shame about your psychologist. I tend to gel well with mine, although I seem to be able to make her cry whenever I cry which is kinda weird. I guess it works though. Thanks for replying, it's good to know I'm not alone in my thinking and circumstances.

@Queenie do you think it could be an "aftershock" so to speak of some of the "biggies" that have happened with you lately? And your mind is continuing this vein of sorting even more things?

Perhaps you need to slow it down and say.. "ok... enough for now".. and enjoy some of those breakthroughs. Let yourself breathe a little perhaps. Yeah easier said than done but something to think about anyhow.

@Queenie,

Eloquent words about your feelings and state of being. I relate to being a lowly pensioner too. My worst breakdowns have been out of jobs. Hopes and aspirations dashed. For me, the feeling that I can hold my head up as a contributing member of society often on edge now. Fear of prejudice and hostility. I understand faking it to make it, especially when it comes to keeping up a happy face. I think that even works to some extent, especially if there's laughter and play to be found. But at times a starker picture of reality takes over. This has become less the case for me as I've got further away from the time of my last breakdown, about nine years ago. But still I get the up and down cycles to some interfering extent, despite the meds, the counselling, and a modestly good life situation. Just sharing things with you that sound something like what you are going through.

It sounds like there is more for you out there than you are curently engaging with. Whether that might be further study is for you to decide. From my point of view, it could even be an interest that might be developed that allows you to lead a less stressful life. Maybe voluntary work if you would like to get more out into the community. Just a few ideas you've probably already thought of, but may be worth saying again anyway.

Hugs.