Not coping with life - may trigger

I've noticed my mood and outlook on life lately dip a bit (I've largely hidden it from everyone though). Today I just woke up and wished I wasn't here anymore. I went to therapy and cried my eyes out openly, something I don't normally do. Tonight I am getting by with having a couple of stiff drinks (don't worry I never have more than a couple, I learned my lesson a few years ago with regards to drinking too much. I just feel so confused. It is hard to put a finger on why (I guess there's lots of reasons really).

I am losing sight of ever living my dream... Having a great job in the field of mental health, having my own home and a loving family to support me. Just typing those words made me realise how impossible that dream is. Instead I am just a lowly pensioner who keeps having breakdown after breakdown and letting life pass me by. I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore! It is just so frustrating! I am so angry at myself to let all I had in my previous life (before MI) slip through my fingers.

I just am not coping with anything at the moment. I pretend to be 'happy' in order to try and feel happy (that old fake it til you make it adage). I am just super stressed out. I am supposed to have the best day in my life coming up in a few months, but to be honest I couldn't give a rats about it deep down. Yes, I love my gf and yes I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but it all just seems too hard. I just want to go to bed and hide (or worse).

Sorry this is such a ramble, I don't mean it to be. I've had racing thoughts all day. I tried doing a mindfulness meditation but couldn't for longer than a minute without opening my eyes and being distracted. I guess what triggered me the most was my lack of a relationship with my father. When I was a little girl, he used to love my company and would spend many hours reading to me and spending time with me. Now he seems allergic to my presence. I rarely hear from him and only see twice per year (if that). He is the only family I have, but he is only seemingly interested in his new family (my stepmother and her child and grandkids). He even said to me he wished I was never born to my face. That remark still stings today, years after he said it. It just breaks my heart.

I guess I should stop rambling and hit 'post' before my life story becomes too recognisable and people who are on this forum that I know in RL might recognise me.

Cest le vie.