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Not coping with life - may trigger

QueenieSenior Contributor03 Apr 2017, 6:36 pm AEST

Not coping with life - may trigger

I've noticed my mood and outlook on life lately dip a bit (I've largely hidden it from everyone though). Today I just woke up and wished I wasn't here anymore. I went to therapy and cried my eyes out openly, something I don't normally do. Tonight I am getting by with having a couple of stiff drinks (don't worry I never have more than a couple, I learned my lesson a few years ago with regards to drinking too much. I just feel so confused. It is hard to put a finger on why (I guess there's lots of reasons really).

I am losing sight of ever living my dream... Having a great job in the field of mental health, having my own home and a loving family to support me. Just typing those words made me realise how impossible that dream is. Instead I am just a lowly pensioner who keeps having breakdown after breakdown and letting life pass me by. I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore! It is just so frustrating! I am so angry at myself to let all I had in my previous life (before MI) slip through my fingers.

I just am not coping with anything at the moment. I pretend to be 'happy' in order to try and feel happy (that old fake it til you make it adage). I am just super stressed out. I am supposed to have the best day in my life coming up in a few months, but to be honest I couldn't give a rats about it deep down. Yes, I love my gf and yes I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but it all just seems too hard. I just want to go to bed and hide (or worse).

Sorry this is such a ramble, I don't mean it to be. I've had racing thoughts all day. I tried doing a mindfulness meditation but couldn't for longer than a minute without opening my eyes and being distracted. I guess what triggered me the most was my lack of a relationship with my father. When I was a little girl, he used to love my company and would spend many hours reading to me and spending time with me. Now he seems allergic to my presence. I rarely hear from him and only see twice per year (if that). He is the only family I have, but he is only seemingly interested in his new family (my stepmother and her child and grandkids). He even said to me he wished I was never born to my face. That remark still stings today, years after he said it. It just breaks my heart.

I guess I should stop rambling and hit 'post' before my life story becomes too recognisable and people who are on this forum that I know in RL might recognise me.

Cest le vie.

85 replies

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In response to: Not coping with life - may trigger

utopiaSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 7:14 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

@Queenie. I'd love to hear you doing more creative persuits. An art course - maybe in a different style than you usually paint. Clay sounds really therapeutic. Is there an art course going somewhere in the city that you could attend.
I know you have mentioned wanted employment where you feel useful, helpful. I wonder if you could combine your love of art with social type work. Eg: art therapy - whetherfor those of us with a MI or maybe a pphysical disability or even with youth who are struggling.
Just a thought.
Sending good thoughts your way. ♥♥♥♥

In response to: Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

QueenieSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 7:55 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

I'd love to do that @utopia! I don't know if my creative pursuits are good enough though. When I was in hospital, we had art therapy twice a week. It was something I enjoyed and that form of therapy really resonated with me. Something to consider when the sun shines again.

In response to: Not coping with life - may trigger

utopiaSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 8:01 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

You don't need to be an expert in all areas of art - to help others with theirs. Just need passion and you have that.
I hope the sun shines bright for you soon @Queenie.

In response to: Not coping with life - may trigger

KurraSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 8:44 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

Hi @Queenie
Have a look in the Carers forum Our Stories. There's a thread there about schizophrenia that you might find helpful. Sorry but I've forgotten the name of the thread. It was started by Zam. 🎶💕

In response to: Not coping with life - may trigger

GloriannaSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 10:20 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

@Queenie ooft. That's a heavy burden to bear. I am quite a clumsy person and bumped into schoolchildren on my way back from the hosiptal, apologised, and walked on. I heard the poor child's reaction along the lines of 'I've been abused... maggot'. After the initial shock, I was mildly amused by her reaction because children can be so forthright that I don't need to wonder if I heard the statement or if it's my mind making stuff up. It's also the first time I've been called that.

So are you able to concentrate to classical music or are instrumentals a no-no? Have you tried electronic music? Are vocals okay? For anxiety, I just blast up music am I'm good to go and feel safer because I really can't hear any conversation. Otherwise, sound cancelling headphones may help but are quite pricey and also won't guarrentee much if voices are coming from your mind rather than paranoia & context.

Rest, food, hydration repeat.

Glorianna

In response to: Not coping with life - may trigger

KurraSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 10:35 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

Hi @Glorianna
I tried noise cancelling head phones a couple of years ago. Sadly even though when I hear voices I hear them externally the head phones had no effect.
Certainly it's worth giving them a try @Queenie.
Hugzzz 💕 💜 💕

In response to: Not coping with life - may trigger

SpookytookimsSenior Contributor07 Apr 2017, 2:14 am AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

@Queenieyou would know better, but that sounds stress related to some degree. What a catch-22. You need to de-stress but your mind is creating a situation to make you stress more. Yes I'd be leaving ASAP too. Oh you poor thing, I am so sorry.

Maybe you could link up with Zam somehow to to have a chat on a thread somewhere. He is studying now and seems like a really open guy and you may well relate to him in a really meaningful way.

As @Kurra said, if you haven't already you might like to check out his thread:

Schizophrenia first hand

In response to: Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

QueenieSenior Contributor07 Apr 2017, 5:15 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

@Glorianna @Kurra I listen to a wide variety of music with my headphones on. It doesn't completely take the voices away but it gives me the opportunity to listen to something else if that makes sense. Just lately I've found myself slipping back into a negative mindset because of a combination of triggers. I am still waiting to see what my medical test results are for one (that's a big one causing me stress). I find if I am under more than a reasonable amount of stress, my hallucinations are worse. I just have to remember that they are not real and try not to lose insight.

@Spookytookims I'll be sure to check out Zam's thread. Thanks for suggesting it (and Kurra) and posting a link. Off to have a looksie now.

In response to: Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

QueenieSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 7:20 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

Thought I'd rehash this old thread because it's a case of same thing, different day. I've been asleep most of today and am really not coping right now. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears all the time. I'm not having suicidal ideation or anything, I'm just over lie the way it is. Nothing ever changes no matter how hard I try to live positively.

Added to this feeling continuing and the depressed feelings, my GP accidentally gave me the entire vial of my antipsychotic injection, so now I've got all these side effects which won't wear off for a while. It's not life threatening, just annoying and the tiredness is overwhelming.

Tonight I keep thinking I'm in trouble with my gf and her family as none of them are really talking to me, although they keep saying I've done nothing wrong. It makes me paranoid when people aren't friendly, probably a reaction from childhood when I was neglected and emotionally abused by my stepfamily. I don't relate well to people at the best of times.

Sigh... think I'll go and have a good cry.

In response to: Not coping with life - may trigger

KurraSenior Contributor15 Apr 2017, 7:29 pm AEST

Re: Not coping with life - may trigger

Do that @Queenie. A good cry can help. Ouch. The whole vial of anti p. No wonder you're so tired. At the moment all you can do is wait for those side effects to lessen.

Here for you Queenie 💕🙉💕

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