Not coping with life - may trigger

Hello folks and thank you for all your kind replies.

I went to a hearing voices group today and realised I have an awful long way to go to be considered "recovered".

I feel like a complete loser and failure in life. In short I've let myself down in a very big way!

You're right though @Kurra, I should do something which makes ME happy and satisfies my own needs. I am trying to work towards that. My Dad wanted me to be a scientist or something academic, although my heart is not in that field. I want to help people, work with the most fragile and most vulnerable people, mainly because I know what it is like to just want to not be here anymore (by and large I still wish I wasn't).

I feel like such a charlatan, like I am mentally ill because I made myself this way. In my teenage years it was cool to be depressed, however I was never 'cool'... just emo. I therefore don't deserve support and certainly don't deserve pity. It was like my depression envolved into schizophrenia which evolved into into schizoaffective disorder. I feel like I was an actor playing a part, like my life wasn't 'real'. I still feel that way, only now, I don't know how to be 'normal and authentic'. I am so angry with myself that I feel full of self hatred. I hate me and always have (only now it isn't 'cool' anymore). I am just a burden on society and certainly a burden for my friends and family. I just wish I could erase myself and be reincarnated into something less complicated and messed up.

@Queenienobody deserves any form of mental illness. You are such a capable person but that doesn't mean you are a failure just because you haven't "conformed". You have great humour, you are so smart and you can do anything you damn well want to. 🙂 I know it, you just have to know it. I think you are fabulous.

Spooky

I am overwhelmed by everyone's responses, I truly am. I was in tears this morning reading them all.

I suspect I've lost who I really am and although I try to be myself and be 'authentic' here on the forum, I think I've got a long way to search who I am. I remember spending lenghty hours in my young adulthood trying to 'find myself'. I never did find 'myself' or a sense of self to be honest.

I do know I am creative and although, not very talented, I enjoy producing works of art, so yes, clay is a favourite medium of mine. Having said that, I haven't worked with clay in over 20 years (since I was in high school). Might be something to look into.

I am looking at studying because I become easily bored on the pension and idle time is not good for me. I have to keep reasonably busy. So I am thinking of studying Diploma of Community Services and use that as a gateway into University (I would be eligible for course credit of up to 1 year towards a Social Work degree). I just have to make sure I am studying for the right reasons, for me, not to simply make my father happy. That will be difficult to differentiate.

Last night I entertained some very dark thoughts indeed. I even begged for distraction from my gf (soon to be 'wife'). She seemed so happy and then I sensed I had let her down by having these thoughts. She immediately thinks I am not happy in the relationship if I am thinking of my own demise, which is dead wrong! I love her deeply. I just think she could do a lot better than me. Although she'd deny that and simply say that is my depression talking.

I am thinking of going into respite for a week after I return from our holiday/honeymoon in June. I need to learn when it is better for everyone if I am away for a few days at least, although again my gf would deny that.

Ah Sugar Honey Iced Tea! Just feel really crappy tonight.

@Queenie the clay would be great. Sensory and meditative even if the end product looks like :pile_of_poo: who cares? You could use the feeling sense and watching the clay through your fingers, as a focus cue and just drift. Pity you didn't have your own wheel and clay to play with, that would be a great outlet. Ok I'm drifting myself now, sorry.

And yes to the study, if that is what you want I think the diploma and credit would be a fantastic idea and you said you want to work in that capacity, so I'm thinking that would be for you. Hope you can decide what's best.

Look after the corgis and keep Phillip in line - the house of House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg... seriously? 👀

Spooky.

@Glorianna please don't think you have affected my mood, I find all the forumites to be very supportive and kind (the kind of people I need to surround myself in reality to be honest).

I heard voices today calling my name and muttering foul language. It annoys and frustrates me. Lately they've been reasonably tolerable, but today in the local library amongst the hushed voices of people around me, I began to hear voices coming from the bookshelves. My response? I got out of there ASAP. I was followed home by them on the bus, plus the noises of loud clanging bells and gongs. All in all, it makes me very startled and hyper-vigilant.

It is difficult to concentrate and I feel I am struggling to verbalise what I need to say in order to get my point across. Maybe I am just tired? Maybe it's an early warning sign? I guess time will tell.