I want to survive this and hear from other survivors like me

@EternalFlower I hope nothing untoward happened a fortnight ago to retrigger your trauma, and bring the wave of flashbacks and panic back. I didn't have the words for the cycles of struggling and remembering until finding Blue Knot, and now see it written about more often and realise many people experience it.

Your circle sounds secure. I trust you find sanctuary in those people and place. I guess I'm still looking and learning. My new psychologist is straight talking and tough. She shouted at me to challenge me. Bullying? I don't know.

Please don't doubt your self worth. Trust isn't easy, you're right to be vigilant. Perhaps you've been shaped into people-pleasing but you have authenticity and integrity and intrinsic value, and what you do for others should be a gift and a service not a payback for coercion and manipulation, nor a payment extorted for affection. I know I'm not likeable. Mostly I'm shut down and depressive but can retort "rudely" if feeling threatened. I do try to support the few friends and family I've remained in touch with, but I'm aware it's not enough.

I've struggled this year too. It's caught up with me too.

I hope you're sleeping well and eating well and linked in with those good friends.

@EternalFlower

Thanks for the reply.

I'm new to this Forum and there's so many branches to the discussion that my mind is too bamboozled to know what to write back.

What did jump out was lived experience. Your outstanding support worker has lived experience. I think it takes about two decades for support people without lived experience to really get their head compassionately around complex mental health issues. Until they do they are mostly seeing labels not people. Probably why the reality is glossed over. ... speaking of taking time, it takes time to learn how to write meaningful, deep sharing contributions to this Forum. I love the honest sharing in your posts.

hi @Dimity pleased to hear you found blue knot - they are supportive in my experience.

i've also found my local CATT/triage quite helpful at times.
There are some ppl with remarkable levels of empathy in these jobs.

I've used Blue Knot, CASA house, and 1800 Respect at times, but now I mostly use Lifeline. I found Sane helpline good, but believe they have closed, or if not, not sure what level of support they offer now - maybe changed to a different format/model.

I think right now i have an open heart while also being so wary and tired. I feel I can give everyone 1 chance, and yet, my expectations are low. The NDIS initially was a really demoralising experience, unfrotunately i met many bad ppl in support roles, as the money is so good. This turned me more to free/subsidised services like area mental health, catt team, crises lines, etc because at least there's no motivation for them to financially exploit.

One "pattern" i noticed with NDIS workers was trying to isolate me from other supports - in order to lead me to be dependent on them. They would start making critical comments about my psychitrist, or my other support workers. It took me a full year to pick up that this was because if i had less supports i would hire them more. Some, when push came to shove, were quite open about this - they had a huge financial need to gain regular and full time work and were hoping I would be the person who could be that for them. It was very sad and disorienting, as once they'd isolated me from others, and I realised their motives, I was left with no one. It has happeend maybe 3 times.

Some of my well meaning friends would lecture me that everyone has to make a living adn they're allowed to be financially motivated but they were missing the nuance. Not everyone makes a living from disabled ppl without qualifiication or training to do so, and would literally dump the disabed person in a heartbeat for more money - ie financial motivation is understandable - but when working with vulnerable ppl and committing fraud, it's not excusable.

Sorry for the rant 😞

@Realness i smiled reading your post. Like ur name, it is real

I liked a lot the "2 decades comment." you're not wrong there. My SW always says this. She didn't tell me til we'd worked together for 8 months that she had BPD, i think she feels a bit embarrassed that she shared it. I find her brave and powerful. Welcome to the forums, its a maze, but there are some nice pockets of it 🙂

oh @EternalFlower

I love your thread title. It speaks of resilience and curiosity. I can learn, and think I might make “I want to survive this “ a mantra for a while. Thanks. Your gratitude for the good is important. I try and remember and appreciate the glimmers of hope in my life.

Today I had a lovely chat with a friendly lady who dropped by. Then went for a cuppa and music and life talk with someone I have only met a few times, but we really click deeply on a range of things, so maybe I have a new friend. Then I was on a good zoom for Mental health advocacy. So 3 good things. Then an unexpected dreadful thing happened at about 7pm related to a mental health crisis. So weary sigh, I have to keep facing the battles and challenges life throws at us. Can’t talk about it, but need to grit my teeth and bear it. Just be grateful for the good. My son responded to the bad thing with stoicism and played beautiful piano music for a couple of hours. I had to go for a fast walk to our local park to burn some energy.

When I got back, I saw in my emails, the final edit of the video submitted to the music competition that we recorded in October. It was great, not purrrfect, nothing is. But I grounded myself watching it. We did some interpretative dance in it, so there was a mix of serious and silly, so that helped lighten my mood.

So I have had a busy day with a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. But I am living in a full creative productive way, even though I am on a DSP and NDIS and that shows a lot of recovery. I need to be determined to survive “it”, keep celebrating the wins, and not give in to fear and doubt .

Thanks all for friendship on here.

@Dimity @Former-Member @NightFury @Realness

@EternalFlower that doesn't just happen with NDIS workers. I've had it too. Someone trying to get me to employ their own circle. I'm currently considering but inclined to resist.

@Dimity i'm sorry, i naively thought it was an NDIS issue 😞 i've not had it before. And on the NDIS i've had it very frequently.

From the second I got on the NDIS, i had people try and sign me up with them and their boyfriend, them and their friend, them and their sister. And in one case, she tried to push me to hire her young son 😞

I always blame myself like i'm an easy target. These ppl disgust me. I know we cant give advice here, and i believe you should trust your gut and listen to ur own inner opininion, but just gently warning from my experience, that it can be so risky when support ppl start doing this 😞

Glad your life is rich and meaningful and productive @Appleblossom . And that music is a scaffolding for building resilience for your son as well.

The bad thing relates to a his episode in May last year @Dimity. It’s serious, hit me out of the blue, but have to just face it and deal with it. How events and issues reverberate through time. Pray for us please.

@Appleblossom i'm sorry, that does sound rough, sitting with u. hoping you and your son are okay and will try send positive thoughts to him and pray that G-d helps and sends everything good