Angry and alone

Hi @TheVorticon Yep, I got done what I needed to do on the computer. It should have taken about an hour...and yet somehow that is all I achieved all day. Oh well. It sounds like work was a bit painful for you yesterday? Do you enjoy your work in general? One of the biggest muddles in my world is my lack of employment. I so very badly want to work. I know that even a less-than-ideal job would be helpful for me in terms of creating a sense of structure and a reason to get out of the house, and also because it would provide a bit of human interaction. Do you find those aspects of working helpful, even if you don't enjoy the actual work? I hope today is a brighter day for you

Hi @TheVorticon

I really enjoyed reading your post. You are an interesting person and I connected with a lot of what you wrote. You articulate really well and the way you expressed how you felt when angry - well you could of being talking about me. I feel like that when I am "under excessive stress". Do you feel under a lot of pressure/stress presently? I try and distract myself from this because it robs me of my peace, but I so relate. I particularly become annoyed by self-centred people. I, like you, need mental stimulation and challenges, as boredom can make me feel very restless and I bore easily. And when that happens I can feel agitated and down.

When you expressed to Sahara that "when people make themselves known they are simply judged for being a product of the situation that created the monster" - are you feeling judged when you are being yourself? I am interested to hear more of your thoughts on this if you have some time.

I have to admit that I also did not gain much from my counselling. My partner helps me there. I do think it is important to talk to someone I feel may understand otherwise the suppressed anger, grief etc can trigger depression and anxiety.

The suppressed trauma that resurfaced in my mind forcing me to address it 4 years ago was very tough - I had a total mental breakdown. Those who witnessed it said most don't come back from where I was (I had many complex issues of past abuse, loss, anger, grief etc). I appreciate you asking - no one has ever actually asked me this before here.

I have been able to reconnect with my feelings now (allowed myself to face them head on and to fully grieve in order to "free up my emotions" by letting go so healing could commence at last); and now have more confidence to address my needs. But when under excessive stress/distress/triggers I can momentarily relapse. So it's something I am continually working on, but I find my feet more easily now rather than feeling lost.

How are you feeling today?

Good luck with the counselling tomorrow @utopia. Will be thinking of you xx

bad head means... who gives a fxck, "angry and alone" is an opportunity to grow as it leads to growth, I to are alone and feel very angry at times, the challenge is to not act on the anger but to drive the energy to get well, easy said than done, sometimes the reality is far away and so close it's not funny.

Have not meet anyone with the answers to date but will coninue my journey to a clear sustainable head.

This helps the process but altimately its up to the individual...cheers

@TheVorticon My employment situation is one of the major muddles in my life. One of the biggest issues is that I have had two major workplace incidents . After the second one, I now know it is a very real possibiliy that I could end up in a "death-by-cop" scenario. The reality is that the police don't handle mental health crises well. When I am super dysregulated, my brain shuts down and I really need a lot of space and calmness to get myself regulated enough to be able to process information. The police don't get that - they just yell orders at me and become increasingly aggressive and confrontational. I don't want to go into details, but yep, the chances of the police perceiving me as a threat (even though I'm not actually violent, just very loud and chaotic when I'm in crisis), me not being able to respond in the way they are asking me to, and them subsequently shooting me, are quite high.

The other major barrier is that I spent 12 years completing two university degrees without the slightest idea of what I was ever going to do with them. I fell for a lot of fluffy lines like "it will be worth it in the end," "education is never wasted," "don't worry about the future" etc etc. Thus now I need to somehow come to terms with the fact that I spent 12 years on a totally pointless endeavour and now at 39, I am actually less employable than I was before I went to uni.

So yep, those are the biggest barriers and yes, I am actively working on it. At least, my treatment goal in therapy is to "gain and sustain employment" but right now my psychologist seems to be as lost as I am about how to actually address the muddle.

Can see your point with the Police Phoenix Rising.I have had two incidents with them where they are brutal in their way of handling someone with a mental health problem.They can also put words in your mouth.Can understand your anger, something you describe is how I have been,as well as education, haven't been as an achievement as you but I feel they only have to look at the look on my face to know Im not the one for the job and I know I can't handle people or the crap that goes with it.Think about changing psychologist,or a psychiatrist if you are really concerned.

Thanks all, again I'll reply properly once my head's in the game.

Tonight just isn't working out for me at all. I made the mistake of setting goals in the goals/motivation thread, got bummed out when I didn't meet one of them and still feeling disappointed/sad from that. I tried to get on with dinner - started part of it up in the oven before some super sads struck, then realised my grilled tomato had leaked all over the place. Ate the bit of dinner I made and gave up on the rest, did dishes, decided to eat some raw carrot and celery to round off dinner... And have now managed to swallow some carrot down the wrong hole! Good game. At least it's hard to be sad when expecting carrot to come out your nose.

Edit: Hmm one of the neighbours is being very loud yelling and banging things. Hopefully all is ok over there and they are just releasing some frustration but is pretty disturbing. I still have to go out for pokemon go daily bonus, but am more than willing to fight back if they seek violence.