Angry and alone

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@TheVorticon wrote:
Sorry to be annoying but is anyone able to just post a quick message (even if its blank or completely off topic) ? Feeling alone with this stuff right now isn't helping me make good choices.

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You are not alone @TheVorticon

Thanks Phoenix_Rising.

I just don't know wt* is wrong with me.

hey @TheVorticon, thanks for your message; I sincerely hope all is ok. I also hope you dont mind too much that I had to make a slight edit to your post due to forum rules. I didn't want to delete the full message, or take away from the sentiment behind the post, so i just changed the 'f' to an asterix 🙂

Hi @TheVorticon

Sorry to read that you are struggling right now. When I feel like this what helps me in the present is to keep "my mind distracted" from how I am feeling by putting "100"% of my mind focusing on something else (an activity that does not allow my mind to wonder on anything else). Keeping busy can help push through those distressing times. And then when that anguish passes perhaps then try talking about how you where feeling with someone to try and get to the root problem - developing the best coping strategies to deal with it next time. You are not alone. 🤗

It sounds like you are having a super tough day @TheVorticon. I wonder if trying to figure out wt* is wrong with you is the best way to spend your energy today? I know that when I'm feeling yuck (which is pretty often!) I have a very limited energy supply so I try to use my energy to cope with the big feelings in safe ways rather than getting my brain all tangled up with trying to figure out wt* is wrong with me. Have you done anything interesting today? I should be doing some stuff on my computer but obviously I'm procrastinating by talking to you instead I will check back in, in a little while. I hope your day improves.

Thanks @NotLabelDefined, sorry I didn't realise that the guidelines meant no swearing at all even in acronym form.

Hi @Former-Member and thanks for the suggestion. I was at work so the thing I had to keep myself occupied doing was the mental equivalent of untying a tangled knot of 31 strings, except I can only see one quadrant of the knot at a time and I don't know how many strings there are to start with. It would've been good if I didn't have to do that task.

I don't really have anyone to talk with regarding getting to the root of the problem. I'm not even sure I know what branch to start at anyway.

Thanks for your message @Phoenix_Rising. You're probably right that trying to figure it out in the moment wasn't very useful. I certainly didn't do anything interesting today. Just kept trying to get back to work and kept distracting myself. Did you get your computer stuff done?

@TheVorticon

Yes, it's difficult to throw one's full concentration into something mundane, I use to find that. It sounds like you need work more mentally challenging.

Having no one to talk to is half the problem. I know this from past experience. I had so much suppressed in my subconscious from past trauma etc that the mental symptoms this was throwing off to my conscious mind was bewildering. I could not fathom what was happening to me to many years later. Never talking about it I pushed it deep within and lost touch of my feelings/needs etc.

Distraction is a good coping strategy but sooner or later we have to deal with the root cause to heal satisfactorily or at least know what we are dealing with. Talking to others helps us to sort that out eventually, to figure it out ourselves to some degree.

It is important to talk about things and a good psychologist can help you started on this. Otherwise it can come to a head one day. Have you ever tried the latter?

@utopia haha maybe you can give it a new name instead, something latin and official-sounding and most people will believe you 🙂
The fruit sounds interesting, I'd give it a shot 🙂 They're certainly some more adventurous plants. It's really cool that you're branching out like that (pun intended).

Ah yes, 14 is going to be a battle. I used to make biscuits at that age because I wanted to eat them, but not dinners. It's good that he can make good food when he puts his mind to it though. Maybe you'll be able to share some of the load in the future once you find an incentive that would work.

Hope the mowing went well 🙂

I didn't have any major plans, just general stuff and a movie last night. The weekend was kind of tough. I hadn't been getting enough sleep, there were too many sources of noise, and too many things to be doing. Hopefully will settle down a bit now.

@Sahara
Thanks for sharing your story about how anger has affected you and how you've worked through it. There's probably a few things I can take away from your post.

On one level of anger I usually feel angry about opinions I disagree with, things that are annoying, then specific people who do/say annoying and disagreeable things. Then on another level I feel anger about being unable to connect with people, being disconnected, on the outside, and how other people on the outside are invisible unless they make themselves known then are suddenly judged simply for being a product of the situation that created the "monster". I also have a reasonable sized portion of anger towards myself for things I don't live up to.

@Appleblossom Thanks for your post. I actually approach music and programming in different ways. I'm not creative when it comes to music. Just methodical, autopilot. Programming is problem solving, especially at my novice level where I have to solve all the bugs that I accidentally put in! Keeps my attention focused with quick wins, or slow wins depending on how long it takes for me to figure out what I'm doing.
My parents are physically supportive and I'm very fortunate in that regard. Not people that I'd share any non-physical struggles with, however. They've returned home now, and as nice as it was to have them here it's good to have some peace and quiet again.

@Former-Member Yeah exactly. It was supposed to be our junior team member's job to count the strings, but they're not a very thorough string counter yet and unfortunately I can't rely on their number of strings at all. In almost all cases I've picked up mistakes so I can't stop checking until I see some consistent improvement, as I refuse to put my name against work that I believe to be wrong.

That does sound tough with your suppressed trauma and things coming into your life later. How are you going with reconnecting to your feelings and needs?

At 17/18 y.o. I tried seeing 2 psychologists. I didn't like the first one at all or find them helpful in any way. I liked the second better but ultimately still didn't find it helpful. I didn't get an official diagnosis, just some suggestions. And I can't pinpoint anything that actually helped from the sessions.
Ultimately as nice as it may be to have someone to release some of the rubbish to and maybe get their perspective on things, it doesn't pass the cost-benefit assessment for me in my situation.