TheVorticonSenior Contributor
Angry and alone
Hi. I know I should write some sort of intro but just don't really know what there is to say.
I'm feeling angry and alone and like there's no one who cares.
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Angry and alone
459 replies
In response to: Angry and alone
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
@TheVorticon. The only thing that matters is your health. As such - can you try and ignore those words - idiot and stupid.
Today is simply a slow thinking day. We all have those times - even those people without MI.
Today is tough at work. But the working day is almost over. Then you can go home and relax. Do something you enjoy doing. Listen to music. Sit in your garden. Catch up with friends. Watch a comedy or other movie.
You are not stupid. You are not an idiot. You are simply having one of those days.
Today is simply a slow thinking day. We all have those times - even those people without MI.
Today is tough at work. But the working day is almost over. Then you can go home and relax. Do something you enjoy doing. Listen to music. Sit in your garden. Catch up with friends. Watch a comedy or other movie.
You are not stupid. You are not an idiot. You are simply having one of those days.
In response to: Angry and alone
Unknown userMember
Re: Angry and alone
Hi @TheVorticon
I feel the urge to echo @utopia words in letting you know that we do not see or hear you as being an idiot or being stupid. Not on our radar at all. I wonder how we can support you in trying to shift these thoughts to ones of a more self nurturing tone? I hear your frustration with you not being able to perforrm to your ecpectations of yourself today, but that's ok. Frustrating and annoying sure, but what things can you do for yourself now to either trying to distract that thought pattern or help show yourself some compassion? Taking a walk, calling a friend, eating your favourite food, having a shower? I'm not sure what speaks to you, we're all different, but I would like to support you in thinking of what you can do fro yourself.
pebbles 
In response to: Re: Angry and alone
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
Hi @TheVorticon
I havent read The Idiot by Dostoevsky yet, but its on my bucket list. His use of the word is ironic.
Generally I cringe when people use that word about others, socially.
Men often have internalised a BIGGER CRITIC (than women) regarding living up to standards of cleverness and strength.
Sounds as if you are in IT... which usually takes some kind of nous.
From someone who watched brothers and boyfriend/husbands and mates ... struggle with Computers soft and hardware ... dont trap your self in the delusion .. that it all happens with a single key stroke ... I know there are heroes in every field .. but most of it is time and effort on the job.
Take care .. dont whip yourself too hard ..
In response to: Re: Angry and alone
TheVorticonSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
By that criteria every day is a slow thinking day for me. I don't know how to ignore those words . They're an accurate description but even that's not so bad as how annoying I am to myself .
In response to: Angry and alone
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
@TheVorticon. We are often our harshest critic and our worst enemy - all rolled into one.
I used to be pretty sharp. Good memory recall. Loved learning. Then came my MI. It hit my memory badly. Then the meds that ended up helping me - hit what little memory I had left. I got off those meds in December last year. There has been a big improvement in my memory. Enough for me to take on a temporary administration role. That has then boosted my confidence. Negative words about myself don't happen as much now.
I don't think my brain will ever be the same. I'm slower doing my job. The memory isn't 100% & my ability to concentrate is not as good.
But I can still work. I can still do the job. So I do it a little slower - it still gets done. So I need to concentrate more - maybe that's a positive.
You can do many things vorticon. You aren't stupid. I know when I'm stressed - it affects my abilities with concentration and memory and can increase my depression.
The trick is knowing when to take a step back. Knowing when to cut yourself some slack.
Why not try - every time you think of saying you're stupid - why not replace that word with - I'm tired.
I used to be pretty sharp. Good memory recall. Loved learning. Then came my MI. It hit my memory badly. Then the meds that ended up helping me - hit what little memory I had left. I got off those meds in December last year. There has been a big improvement in my memory. Enough for me to take on a temporary administration role. That has then boosted my confidence. Negative words about myself don't happen as much now.
I don't think my brain will ever be the same. I'm slower doing my job. The memory isn't 100% & my ability to concentrate is not as good.
But I can still work. I can still do the job. So I do it a little slower - it still gets done. So I need to concentrate more - maybe that's a positive.
You can do many things vorticon. You aren't stupid. I know when I'm stressed - it affects my abilities with concentration and memory and can increase my depression.
The trick is knowing when to take a step back. Knowing when to cut yourself some slack.
Why not try - every time you think of saying you're stupid - why not replace that word with - I'm tired.
In response to: Re: Angry and alone
TheVorticonSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
Sorry I can't really reply properly right now .Had enough of work and am headed home on my bike as fast as possible to maybe burn off some of these rubbish feelings. My folks are visiting so I'll be busy with them all night.
In response to: Angry and alone
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
@TheVorticon. No need to reply. I hope your evening goes well.
In response to: Re: Angry and alone
TheVorticonSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
Alright brief break from the parents so I'll take a moment to respond.
Thanks @Former-Member but I don't know how to do the self nurturing stuff when I'm being so frustrating. I can try to distract myself but can't do much usual stuff while my parents are staying. I can barely listen to music/youtube since they have the radio on, and multiple noise sources are the opposite of relaxing so I don't know.
@Appleblossom I hadn't heard of that book, but I'm not a big reader so that's unsurprising.
Yeah a lot of people have high standards for themselves. My job varies a bit - that part was like local IT before we call the real IT guy. Off the record he couldn't sort it out either so it wasn't just me. That part aside, I'm not meeting my main deadline which is not good. I should really be spending my weekend doing more rather than stuffing around with other stuff.
In response to: Re: Angry and alone
TheVorticonSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
@utopia It's great to hear that your memory and confidence have improved after you've been working at it.
It's true that today was also a "tired" day after not getting quite as much sleep, although I didn't really feel that tired.
But I dunno. It just hurts so much right now.
It's true that today was also a "tired" day after not getting quite as much sleep, although I didn't really feel that tired.
But I dunno. It just hurts so much right now.
In response to: Re: Angry and alone
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Angry and alone
Love the though of you on a bike .. pedal or motor ?
thought .. it might be pedal as you are into faitgue ?
Its good you put it ON the record here .. that it wasnt just you that couldnt solve it... the REAL IT guy .. couldnt either ..lol..lol .. lol .. have I seen that before .. lol
Really .. dont be so hard on yourself .. find that fine line .. where you can whip yourself into action .. but not paralysis.
Hope the night goes reasonably .. with the olds ..
