Angry and alone

@utopia Sorry it took me forever to get back to this, but how did your appointment end up going? That’s helpful that they have experience with drug/alcohol counselling. Are they able to provide the type of support you need at the moment?

Haha I live in a block of units, I can just imagine the reactions if I went out the back and bubble wrapped a tree in full view of all the neighbours.

@Former-Member thank you. I’m not usually very interesting but I do have my moments.

I don’t think I’m under that much stress at the moment. Things were more stressful a few months ago than they are right now, although maybe it’s just taking me a long time to recover from that.

I do feel judged for being myself, and it’s been like that for a number of years. I’m dorky and immature – other people’s interests evolved as they grew up, and I just learned not to talk about mine. I started finally breaking out of that pattern at work and have found a subset of people who share some of the interests, although I’m not on the level of being able to talk about them with people who know things about things… So all in all, it’s a bit of a bust.

Although when I wrote that particular sentence that you quoted, I was speaking from the point of disconnected anger that I sometimes reach. Where nothing and no one matters, where words are silent, where the only recourse is action so deafening it mutes the world.

I’m glad to hear that you’ve been able to grieve and feel again. It sounds like you put in a lot of effort to get where you are today. That’s certainly something to be proud of and it’s awesome that you can see the progress you’ve made. It just speaks to your strength that you made it through that part and just from what you’ve told me I believe you’ll keep making progress.

I hope you’re doing ok – seems like you’ve been a bit quiet on the forums over the last couple of days.

Thanks @Matt12. Yeah there are productive ways to use anger. I haven’t found them yet for myself, but I’ve heard they’re out there. Keep fighting the good fight.

Ah that does sound like a tough set of circumstances @Phoenix_Rising. It’s good that you’ve got your psychologist’s support to try and figure it out together, even though progress is slow right now.

It sounds like it would be very difficult to have your crisis symptoms misinterpreted in such a potentially dangerous way. I’m trying to think of ways to communicate “this is what’s happening for me and this is what I need right now” to an authority figure and can’t think of many options off the top of my head… short of carrying around a leaflet and somehow magically having it available and usable during the crisis, or disclosing things to employers, and either way hoping that everyone will respond appropriately without escalating things further. So I can definitely see why it’s presenting a barrier given your previous experiences. I hope you and your psychologist can make some headway on it.

@TheVorticon. Thanks. Yes my appointment went well. He will see me in two weeks, or earlier, if my depression didn't lift. It has. So our next apointment will be to focus on stopping alchol again. I feel that that's more likely now that the depression is lifting. So I'm feeling positive. He really is a great therapist.

I hoope you have a good night. Will catch up soon.

Hi @TheVorticon

You are more interesting than you realise and you are good with people. I like you. You just need to build more self confidence by allowing you "to be you" with others and not be too concerned about how they think of you. Those that matter will accept you for you.

Its great you have found a few people at work that share the same interests. Even though they may have more knowledge of these interests, your input on what you do know would be appreciated (people like those who take an interest in what they do regardless of how much they know about the subject), and like others who want to learn more. What are your interests?

There is nothing wrong with dorky if we can laugh at ourselves - that is quite endearing to people. It happens to me when I don't feel confident in social circles and improves when I feel more confident and/or settled within. All have their quirky side as most lack confidence to some degree. I like quirky when people don't take themselves too seriously - it's those who think they are better that people don't warm too. The maturity will follow when you open up more and your self confidence grows I feel.

I do relate to your well articulated expression of "disconnected anger". I have experienced this and seen the best of people experience this when under prolonged personal stress mainly, or have experienced trauma or feeling disrespected, sexual assault, pushed, provoked, abused, frustrated etc. It can stem from suppressed childhood trauma (thankfully I have dealt with that now). I don't know your particular circumstances so can only go by this. It is not a good place to be and can trigger rage/aggression in some.

I can feel this seething at times just befow the surface when I had been through periods of prolonged stress, or am provoked, depressed etc as like last year (yes, it can hit afterwards - feeling the after effects); and I won't let it surface and that is part of what I have to work on letting go (the negativity). I don't want to hurt others and push them away - anger will do this every time. And then I focus on good things and positive thoughts/activites etc, or step away from the stress and talk about it (anger management).

As if it surfaces it takes a lot to shake off and can be "personality changing", where there are no feelings of care or thoughts of well being towards the other, but only rage or wrath (the monster). Literally one can have a "brain snap" and behave aggressively with no rationale. And damage can be done. Not good. This can be typical of severe post traumatic stress disorder as well or some mood disorders (some vets struggle this way). And is seen in incidents of road rage or alcohol fuelled violence. The latter is the extreme side of it. Some can keep a lid on.

Not sure if this is exactly the disconnected anger you refer to? I suppose there would be all levels of it. And there are a complexity of individual mitigating circumstances that can lead to it. No one is immune.

When this is under the surface or I struggle with anger "it does my head in" and sometimes I am confounded thinking "what the heck is wrong with me". Not good. This is when it's important to talk to someone before it reaches that stage.

I was quite taken back that you noticed I was off line. I didn't think anyone would. Yes, I have been unwell - probably due to the after effects and present stress. My sleeping patterns are out etc, I feel like I am walking around in a fog (my mind feels muddy) - so when my GP returns from holidays I will have a medical check up. My daughter is going through a lot at the moment and can be quite violative with us at times - this can take its toll. And at the same time I am worried for her well being. Am feeling a bit down as a result as I can't do the things I once did with ease but I try and shake it off by doing those things I can which helps uplift me.

Thank you for thinking of me. Please don't be oppressed with being yourself - you do have a lot to offer to others as you are here. And the right people will appreciate you highly for it. 🙂

I want to hit something til it breaks into hundreds of sharp pieces, then use the pieces to take out this stupid feeling.

But instead I should just count backwards from 500 and fall asleep so I'll try that I guess.

I'm always so tired that it's not difficult to get to sleep. Feeling much the same this morning though.