I am riding a wave.

@NotLabelDefined lifeline counsellors always hang up on me when I am in this much crisis because I can't find my words. I tried their online chat service once but their responses were so mechanical it felt like talking to a robot. I have no concerns about being judged. The issue is that when they hang up on me it super reinforces how alone I am.

@SGde3a What I eat does influence my ability to cope with stuff, but that isn't the issue now. The issue is around the hopelessness of my situation...as in my GP and psychologist agree it is currently looking pretty hopeless, it isn't just negative thinking stuff. I am stuck in an impossible situation and right now no one who actually knows the entire situation has any more idea than I do about how any human being survives this level of muddle. So right now my whole world has narrowed to being Operation Stay Alive. Thank you for your reply .

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,

I apologise for making the comment alluding to being judged; and I can definitely understand that when they hang up it reinforces feelings of isolation and being alone. Its a shame that you have had that sort of experience with Lifeline, iI can imagine it would be disappointing and maybe frustrating.

In the past, have you had a chance to, or felt comfortable, writing your feelings down. Or at the times you do feel you can find your words do you like chatting with someone face to face about stuff?

You are not alone here @Phoenix_Rising

Hi @NotLabelDefined Nope, not frustrating or disappointing when lifeline hangs up. Triggering and re-traumatizing. It reinforces how invisible I am, how I don't matter, and how utterly alone I am with my muddle. I find actually speaking to someone (either on the phone or face-to-face) the best option when I am in this much crisis. I super like my GP, but I couldn't keep all her other patients waiting - even though she kept telling me not to worry about them. What I REALLY need is to be able to call my psychologist, but she doesn't provide between-session contact.

I find it really difficult that the lifeline counsellors can't cope with the intense emotion dysregulation stuff. If they could just sit with it for 5-10 minutes, it would settle and then I could find my words. However, they don't. They just start telling me to calm down and then they start telling me they will have to end the call. I can hear them, I just can't find my words. I have mentioned on another thread somewhere in forum land how I have even trained myself to be able to get out "I am autistic, please don't hang up on me" as soon as they answer the call, but it isn't enough to stop them hanging up and I can't find any more words than that when my brain is super flooded.

Writing does help a lot of the time, but when I'm super flooded I oh-so-badly need a real live human being with me in real time.

@Phoenix_Rising You are doing an amazing job RIGHT NOW at finding your words

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,

Thank you for sharing so much 🙂 Do you get a chance to access supports or activities which are less intense and dont have a medical or mental health focus? Sometimes this can help with feelings of invisibility, loneliness, or that we dont mattter. I totally understand about needing to chat to someone face-to-face, its so much more real and personal.

Your GP sounds awesome...and willing to really sit down and listen to you. thats such a great thing 🙂 Its also very thoughtful of you not wishing to hold up others 🙂 If its a viable option for you, do you think your GP would allow you to make a longer appointment next-time so that you get more of a chance to chat with your GP?

Forum Land is difficult. @Zoe7 and @BlueBells I super appreciate the sentiment you expressed in your posts. I know it comes from a place of care and concern so I feel super bad about saying this but...I really don't like being touched by most people. I have to feel some sort of attachment to someone before I feel ok about physical touch. I super hope I haven't hurt your feelings. For me, the most comforting thing when I am super struggling is for someone to sit beside me. Getting hugged or held by people I don't know well doesn't feel nice to me. But having someone sit beside me as I ride the wave and tell me I am not alone super helps

Totally get that @Phoenix_Rising - no feelings hurt here

I'll just sit on the rocks and watch you ride the waves so you are not alone!

@Zoe7 I am much more settled now so yes, my words are coming out now .

@NotLabelDefined Yes, my GP is awesome. She only graduated last year, admits she knows very little about mental health, gets quite anxious at times around my big feelings...and yet she is the best GP I have ever had. I've never had one that took any interest in my mental health stuff before. She has been helping me stay alive since therapist-take-seven dumped me in November (you are new around here aren't you - it's a loooooong story!!!).

Trying to forge some new social connections is definitely a piece in my puzzle. I have a volunteering gig on Fridays so that will help tomorrow. The past couple of months have been particularly bad because of the way the world stops over the Christmas period.

I can feel myself starting to escalate again as I think through how to respond further to your suggestion of making other social connections so I am just going to step away from that bit now. Good job me for recognising the feeling growing in my tummy.