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Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor25 Nov 2024, 10:10 pm AEDT

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor08 Feb 2026, 1:57 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Guilt and shame of what @avant-garde ?

Of exploring yourself, so to speak?

If so... i guess i look at it from a perspective of nature and creation. God intended people to be "in tune" with themselves.

But i will also note that i could be considered asexual or demisexual, so i know I experience things very different to most.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor08 Feb 2026, 3:39 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@AlwaysMyself

Yeah, that

In response to: Re: Running

AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor08 Feb 2026, 3:44 pm AEDT

Re: Running

I would start with "why do i think it is wrong?"

And then review the context of those beliefs/passages/teachings. @avant-garde

I guess i didnt grow up with a lot of explicit teaching around it at church (i think the males got more?). I think maybe that also helps?

Of course i got the "dont lust" general talks, and the marriage chastity talks. But i dont see them as related to self-exploration. 😊 different motives!

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor08 Feb 2026, 3:54 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@AlwaysMyself

Especially for those with my kind of history, I don't need fantasies, I have memories

In response to: Re: Running

MissGremlinSenior Contributor08 Feb 2026, 4:06 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@avant-garde I'm sorry if I'm butting in here but can I just say that I'm going through my own struggles with specific fantasies around things which is incredibly confusing and scary for me given my history and not something I want to be happening.

So sweetheart i really do get where you are coming from here. Hope it helps to know that you're not alone in this.

@AlwaysMyself also relate to the asexual and demisexual thing.

In response to: Re: Running

tymeModerator08 Feb 2026, 5:50 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Heya @avant-garde , how was today? You went to the morning service?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor08 Feb 2026, 5:56 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@MissGremlin it's ok, you're not butting in

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor08 Feb 2026, 5:57 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@tyme

I went to the first service yes, leaving shortly for the second

In response to: Re: Running

tymeModerator08 Feb 2026, 5:58 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Hope it was okay @avant-garde

Catch you when you're around.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor09 Feb 2026, 12:59 pm AEDT

Re: Running

My pastors wife is expecting, which is great, but you could tell my pastor isn't the most trauma informed...

He got all nerdy, which I love, except he talked about the benefits of pregnancy to the body...

Content/trigger warning

How the foetus actually has these amazing cells that can become anything they need and how they can transfer to the mother and vice versa.
Mine were never allowed to get to that stage... as soon as my dad noticed I was sick within a week they would be gone...
He talked about why we get morning sickness, that the uterine lining is growing and becoming complete...

How the foetus actually has these amazing cells that can become anything they need and how they can transfer to the mother and vice versa. Mine were never allowed to get to that stage... as soon as my dad noticed I was sick within a week they would be gone...He talked about why we get morning sickness, that the uterine lining is growing and becoming complete...

It kept making me think "what about me, what about mine"

He knows I carried children, he knows I lost them, he knows how... but he got lost in the excitement and being able to be nerdy with me, without seeing the pain on my face or how I shut up.

I love that he's excited and overjoyed and I'm excited for him, it's kid number 6, but I won't lie that the conversation last night went too far that it hurt.

I've messaged him now, probably should've been an email.

TW: child loss

Content/trigger warning

I don't want to dampen your excitement or your willingness to be open with me, there aren't a lot of people who actually do that, I've been told that they think I can't handle it.

I was talking to Rapunzel in the first service, that today is the 7 year anniversary of one of my memories, the day I had a seizure and woke up screaming remembering every detail of how I lost her. I had no say in whether she lived or died, because if she lived my dad couldn't deny the abuse, he got rid of the evidence.

Pregnancy is a beautiful, God given thing, a blessing to parents and to families. I love children so much because I see how much joy and love they can bring, everyone around me can see just how much I love children, I mean Rapunzel's son earlier running around the stack of tables to then come and catch my leg, my last true home church, this gorgeous two year old, she did that every week, would run and give me the biggest hug.

But I was never allowed to carry any of mine to term, I would get morning sickness and then within a week they'd be gone.

The questions I ask myself are why I couldn't save them, why I couldn't protect them, why did a God that is meant to love me take every child I ever carried away from me, even the one I carried in 2017.

I think God will continue to use this to help me not necessarily understand, but maybe to accept and progress further through the grief for each of them though.

Thank you for sharing with me, I actually really do appreciate the openness.

I want to apologise for shutting you down. I can understand your excitement about the pregnancy, that you know a lot about what it does to the body and wanted to share the nerdy side with me.It really is exciting and normally I'm one of the last to find out because it's normally announced on the women's chat, so I like that I was actually brave enough to ask.I don't want to dampen your excitement or your willingness to be open with me, there aren't a lot of people who actually do that, I've been told that they think I can't handle it.I was talking to Rapunzel in the first service, that today is the 7 year anniversary of one of my memories, the day I had a seizure and woke up screaming remembering every detail of how I lost her. I had no say in whether she lived or died, because if she lived my dad couldn't deny the abuse, he got rid of the evidence.Pregnancy is a beautiful, God given thing, a blessing to parents and to families. I love children so much because I see how much joy and love they can bring, everyone around me can see just how much I love children, I mean Rapunzel's son earlier running around the stack of tables to then come and catch my leg, my last true home church, this gorgeous two year old, she did that every week, would run and give me the biggest hug.But I was never allowed to carry any of mine to term, I would get morning sickness and then within a week they'd be gone.The questions I ask myself are why I couldn't save them, why I couldn't protect them, why did a God that is meant to love me take every child I ever carried away from me, even the one I carried in 2017.I think God will continue to use this to help me not necessarily understand, but maybe to accept and progress further through the grief for each of them though.Thank you for sharing with me, I actually really do appreciate the openness.

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