Running

@Jynx

Yes please, but another night definitely.

I still feel really angry, it isn't right and I keep wondering what will be next? What consequence won't I see next? How much of my life will his selfish actions taint? How long will I pay the price for his pleasure?

I feel so unimportant, like who the heck is going to want me? What will be the next thing to go wrong...

@avant-garde I think we all want to feel like we matter - whether it's to a cause, to a person, to a community... You certainly matter to this community! No one else in the world has your unique perspective, and it's one that is valued by many.

It's hard to sit with these uncertainties, and I think the constant feeling of 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' is one shared by most folks with childhood/ongoing/complex trauma. It is one of our nervous system's ways of protecting us - and can be difficult to break out of. But not impossible.

I hope you're able to carve out some hopefulness - whether it's in reflecting on things going well, or thinking about something you're looking forward to, or writing out these feelings in journal/poetry form and seeing if some hopefulness emerges along the way 💜

@Jynx

I had a bone density scan today... to check for signs of osteopenia, the precursor to osteoporosis... he asked me how often I've fallen in the last year... including my seizures... I said 3 or 4... he said it'll significantly impact my results...

I only have seizures because of the trauma I endured... therefore another unseen consequence...

That's so rough @avant-garde I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you're able to find the right treatment if you need it. And we'll be here to support you along the way 💜

@Jynx

I'm 36 and dealing with issues people typically face when they're twice my age...

Hi @avant-garde , sitting with you and hearing the pain and anger. It's not fair, you are right. *safe digital air hugs if you want them*.

Whilst my situation & history may be quite different in many ways, I feel you on the "dealing with issues people typically face when they're twice my age." I got arthritic pains before either my mother or grandmother had any 😓. I often describe my body as "thinking it's an 80yo". Most people our age do not understand what it is like really; even my friends in their 50's don't understand it unless they have acquired injuries that caused them early deterioration.

I used to work with mostly 80+ year olds - often they would comment about their physical limitations and make off-hand comments about how I wouldn't know at my age or that they wish their body was still as young as mine -- however, I am grateful that most of them when I explained that I do understand first-hand some of the body-deteriorating issues they accepted this and empathised and were sorry that it was starting so early for me. But I also know that most people would not be willing to be socially-assertive or vulnerable enough to speak up about it, and I can imagine that if I didn't have my own "voice" when people made those comments to me, I would feel so so alone and dismissed and misunderstood. (Having said this, I get the impression you are more likely the type of person who is able to have this voice to people if you were in a similar situation and wanted to speak up too 😊.)

@AlwaysMyself

I was in my early 20's when my doctor then told me that I had early onset osteoarthritis in my knees and that it wasn't if I'd need a knee replacement, it was how many.

Then my ankles in my mid 20's

Seizures in my late 20's

Lower back in my early 30's

Hearing aids 2 years ago

Dentures this year

Jehoram said to me months ago now, complaining about his back pain that I've got nothing to complain about that I wouldn't know back pain, that I could lift a 50 cup coffee percolator fine.

I am not allowed to lift that weight.

I don't like how as I get older my body shows more signs of trauma and that people assume it's my size that's caused this or it was something I did.

Did you know that prolonged stress causes more acid in your mouth that actually destroys your teeth? Or that it weakens your bones too?

Most people don't, but I'm learning, for the purpose of understanding what my normal is and to be able to throw it back in people's faces when they make rash judgements.

It saddens me that you would be so often dismissed or minimised in your experiences just because of your age @avant-garde. Ageism goes both ways, hey.

Prolonged stress wreaks absolute mayhem on the body. I wish more people understood this too, and weren't so quick to make judgements based on a narrow field of experience.

Hey @Jynx

I'm exhausted, how are you

@avant-garde pretty spent myself, but chugging along okay. Looking forward to a long, very hot shower after I finish tonight...

Your evening been ok?