Running

Aloha @avant-garde .

Did you finish the puzzle?

@tyme

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@avant-garde wrote:

@AuntGlow

I posted a photo just today of the jigsaw at the top of this page

Given my recent online experience, I think it's best I just do what my therapist says rather than getting distracted by how videos could maybe help me.

I have a fairly good handle on them yes, they don't happen as often these days

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Oh my goodness, it's so detailed and pretty! I can imagine this would be really helpful for focus and problem solving. @avant-garde

This is completely fair, thank you for your honesty.

I am glad to hear this.

How has your week been? 💛

@AuntGlow

• Turbulent
• Tiring
• Difficult
• Overwhelming
• Exhausting
• Not over yet

I was at peer support yesterday... I can't say it was great... I can't say I wasn't rocking the entire time... I can't say I wasn't triggered... I can say it was all too much and it's still impacting me...

TW: SH

I was sitting in an unusual spot, with a lot more people than I'm used to and every time he spoke I would look up and I would see it and get triggered again... for once in my life I didn't feel safe there

more intrusive images... it was all so much... too much...

Afterwards the other PSW, the one I really get along with and reminds me a lot of @Jynx took me outside and it felt like the wind got knocked out of me and my knees buckled. They hugged me as I stopped shaking and I let out this deep cry until my breathing regulated and I found my words...

I told them about the triggers and counted the bricks on the building across... counting is a go to grounding technique for me

It had already been a long day, maintenance guy, dentist, therapy, then group.

We had talked about Delilah for the first time and how I became homeless because of all her lies and why it's rearing its ugly head now... we talked about Charming and what happened when I first became homeless and they threw all my stuff in the skip bin... we talked about church and how adamant I am to stay... she asked to read the one I wrote about them a few days ago that demonstrate this...

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I get really frustrated
When others tell me I should leave
When people think that church
Is all about me

I actually think it's ludicrous
Church isn't for the member
Church is for our God
Worshipping Him together

I've been in many churches
I've been abused by many more
But you know what I have learned?
Who each church is for

You can have the music team
You can have the crowds
You can have the prophecies
You can have the building

But unless you preach the gospel
You just have a show
With snippets from the Bible
You don't have a church

You may not quite realise
The depth of love I have
For the people in my church
Who I know aren't perfect

They are no less my church
The gospel preaching truth
The church where I feel safe
The church where I have grown

We may not have the shows
The music team, the lights
But we are more family
Than any before now

We are a church of outcasts
Who have found their home
All a little different
Many who get it wrong

But it's the church I love
And no one dare challenge that
If you think I could leave?
Then you don't know what church is

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Then we talked about something I was curious about... and she gave me homework...

There's a lot of shame around this for me, because of the church I'm in and the mess of lies I've been taught... there is fear and excitement and the thought "what if they find out"

So yes, a lot of big emotions, a lot of triggers, a lot of overwhelm and still exhausted and recovering

I hope it is OK to post @avant-garde ; came to your thread after reading your poem on the other one.

Reading your post here just now - I understand some of what you have mentioned. I understand why seeing and hearing those those would be so triggering. I understand how going to a church is not about you and not simply leaving a church. And the reason I wanted most to say something... I understand emotionally the last part you wrote; the inner conflict as someone who has also had abuse (albeit nothing nearly as much as yours, but enough to still impact me with shame and being uncomfortable about my body and sexuality). I understand the fears of people "finding out" and what other christians may think/say. So I am here to say to you, as a fellow christian, I don't judge you. I do believe it can be healing for you, to understand your body and emotions the way God created humans. Things we have been unable to feel or explore because of trauma. The need to do it in a safe and controlled way. I hope this small piece of validation and acceptance can help even just the tiniest bit.

The puzzle is beautiful! @avant-garde Are you going to frame it?

@AlwaysMyself

I thought you might, and I appreciate that you felt you could, I miss having a Christian to bounce off of and relate to that isn't a PSW, so thank you.

And yes it helps, from someone who understands what I'm dealing with and where I'm coming from.

@tyme

It's the type of puzzle that can go up as is, completely plastic with interlocking pieces. I'm picking up some command picture strips tomorrow or Sunday and giving it to a dear friend of mine who loves cherry blossoms. It's much too pink to go up on my walls.

The frames for pintoo puzzles are hard to get a hold of and about as expensive as the puzzle was.

Cool! @avant-garde I thought it was a regular cardboard puzzle. That's pretty cool. Did you find making the puzzle a mindfulness activity you could engage in easily?

Sitting with you.

@tyme

The cherry blossoms did my head in, much too difficult and similar.

Usually I find jigsaw puzzles engaging enough to feel my emotions without getting overwhelmed by them