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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx

When it's clear...

There are 10 individually wrapped gifts inside that I picked months ago and have been paying it off

I shall wait for Christmas

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

Haha @avant-garde I have learned a new thing! Annnnd should probably drink more water 😅

Aww that's so nice!! Love the aesthetic, very cottage-core with that big bow and the brown paper! 😋

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx

Can I ask you something?

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

What's on your mind @avant-garde

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx

Why did he do it?

Why did he take advantage of someone so vulnerable?

I feel like it's my fault...

I invited him...

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

@avant-garde I am sorry but I don't really have an answer, outside of general philosophising - I do think we have a tendency to want to find fault or figure out what 'we did wrong' - so that we can try to avoid doing the same thing and ending up hurt again.

I do know that you cannot be blamed for what was done to you. You only invited him in, you didn't ask him to take advantage of your kindness and hospitality.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx

I'm sorry for my reaction yesterday...

It just... I used a forum when I was 11 and I've learned to associate anything negative to that age and everything that was said to me when I was open about what was going on... that defeatist talk of being worthless and stuck in a devastating situation... all the thoughts that go along with that... it's not something I find easy to shut up when I'm distressed that it just ends up with it playing out the narrative it did when I was 11...

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

@avant-garde I absolutely get that. Sometimes when I'm activated it's like a child or a hormonal teenager is suddenly in charge, and the ability to reframe things, think of alternatives to my anxiety's worst case scenario, remember my coping tools... can easily go out the window 😅

Nothing lingering here, you were already forgiven 😊

In response to: Re: Running

AuntGlowModerator

Re: Running

Thinking of you @avant-garde 💛

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@AuntGlow

Needed that

  • Paid today
  • Grocery shopping
  • Department store
  • Wanted a horn
  • Found a bell
  • Idiot said "for Santa?"
  • Me triggered and overwhelmed
  • Headphones not loud enough
  • Need help grounding
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