Running

I can absolutely hear how hurtful it was when Azariah cancelled on you last minute... especially when you needed him. @avant-garde

Do you still want to cultivate a connection with Jehoram and Azariah?

I am hoping that your peer support group tomorrow will be a really safe and loving space. 💛

That is a positive way to look at your house inspection!

I am really hearing how being listened to and informed helps you to feel seen and safe. And this is really good to know about yourself. 🥰

Christmas truly is so vulnerable. How will you care for yourself that day?

@AuntGlow

Azariah didn't cancel, he never responded, he left me hanging in my loneliness, onto hope that he actually cared. I didn't want to meet with him today but knew he would've pushed it I said no and I would've caved because he tends to guilt trip me anyway that there's no point in saying no.

Jehoram maybe, he's got one strike though.

I avoid church on Christmas, it's just, it's not pleasant or even tolerable for me.

I'm going to catch the train and just take it easy with my headphones and tablet.

I like it where I go

It's always so vulnerable (and confusing) when we open up to someone, trust them, and then their behaviour shifts... I am sorry this has happened. It's happened to me too. @avant-garde 🥹

Your Christmas plan sounds like it's just for you and that's a really beautiful way to celebrate. 💛

@AuntGlow

Azariah is just... he makes me feel like I'm a have to not a want to, that I'm not worth spending time with, not worth getting to know, that I'm his job not his friend and I hate that

I would hate that too... that must be such an awful feeling, especially when you care so much and really want to be there. If you are wanting to shift your focus away from the friendship, what could that look like in a way that supports/empowers you? @avant-garde 💛

@AuntGlow

With him you mean?

It's so hard because he's "the mental health guy" in my church denomination.

He's a pompous, arrogant, know it all who I genuinely don't see a point in being friends with because of how he treats me. He's just horrible.

I see how he treats his friends and it's nothing like how he treats me.

He has a duty of care, heavy emphasis on duty

I am curious, was there something you got from the relationship at one point? @avant-garde

I am also wondering what you could gain from redirecting your friendship to people who are able to give you all the love and care you give to them? 💛

@AuntGlow

Yeah, when I was homeless and I was too triggered to deal with church leadership that he stepped in and I met most weeks with him. I found out later after every meeting he would update the church leadership with things we had discussed and how I was doing.

I've tried to do this multiple times and eventually given up.

Every time he cancelled he'd never take responsibility, it was always my fault, I was being unreasonable.

This would trigger me and make me a risk to myself.

Hey @avant-garde I am sorry to hear about the intensity of so many distressing things happening for you at once. I saw that things went very awry with the AI bot, and that a lot of your sense of trust has been violated - by that and by the stuff with Jehoram too. I can imagine it's left you feeling quite shaken, and I just wanted to offer some supportive hugs 💜

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

Ah, that makes so much sense, @avant-garde... how confusing - to have him be there for you, but then also betray your trust. That would have been very hurtful.

It's important that he takes accountability too.

I understand why you feel the way you do. 🫶