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Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor25 Nov 2024, 10:10 pm AEDT

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

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In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor16 Nov 2025, 6:27 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx

He wasn't there for the first service and I went in all braced for a triggering sermon and was overwhelming relieved when i was wrong.

We'll see how this second service goes.

Just spent 2 hours with Jasmine after 2.5 hours at church and now another 2 hours at church.

I am contentedly exhausted

In response to: Running

AuntGlowModerator16 Nov 2025, 8:29 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Oh my gosh, that is so cool!! @avant-garde

This is a bit of an aside, but I bought a dress online that doesn't fit, so I was thinking of getting someone to help my build a corset kind of thing in the back with ribbon! Are there any brands/types you could recommend?

Yes, I remember you saying this, that must look so pretty. What are you thinking of using the leftovers for? 🤔

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator16 Nov 2025, 9:24 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@avant-garde oh I'm so glad to hear it. Hope the second service was also non-triggering.

Contended exhaustion feels different hey! And it sounds like Jasmine is doing well?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor16 Nov 2025, 9:34 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx

It was weird! Contented exhaustion is a very foreign feeling for me.

Second service was good... I even conversed with my pastor after the service about actual "I'm letting him in" stuff, things I've been communicating through email... oh my goodness that was a big step.

I successfully made Jasmine laugh multiple times.

I also won a lot of fish, namely of the card variety.

@AuntGlow

I have no idea about brands or anything, but in terms of type, you don't want satin as it slips too easily, anything with a little grip, so more of a rope type thing.

A corset is similar to a pair of sneakers in terms of how it's tied, so think more along the lines of shoelaces than ribbon.

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator16 Nov 2025, 10:01 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@avant-garde I will happily hear more about this huge step next week, wow!

And I love that - how good is it making people laugh? So many wholesome vibes, very happy for you 💜

Alas I gotta dash, but sending hugs!

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor16 Nov 2025, 10:18 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@ENKELI

Sometimes I'm really encouraged and proud of how far God has brought me in regards to churches...

I remember those many years ago when I turned up at my church and was absolutely terrified... how long it took me to even let myself open a little bit, having been so hurt and trauma compounded and that church left a bad taste in my mouth... then I see today... that I could actually talk with my pastor about how he proved my fears wrong in the first service today...

How far our Father has brought me, that I could actually be open with a pastor...

In response to: Re: Running

ENKELISenior Contributor16 Nov 2025, 11:27 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@avant-garde you have come a long way sweetie, Our God is great with His love for us ❤️

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor16 Nov 2025, 11:39 pm AEDT

Re: Running

TW: SA

Content/trigger warning

I'd like to say that fear doesn't stop me from doing much, but in fact it does, it makes me stop dead in my tracks and break down sometimes.

If you knew my story, you'd understand why.

The most painful thing I am dealing with right now is my fear of leadership, of church leadership, it is a fear that has gripped me and made me second guess myself more times than I can count, that pain.

But courage isn't developed by avoiding fear, it is developed by facing it, and that's what I do, I face it.

I'm in a new church with a new pastor and a new structure and i get faced with going through this all over again, discerning how much I can trust this guy or is he going to hurt me like 98% of the Christians that I've known in my life. There are so many people I have known and believed to be Christians that turned a blind eye to my suffering, both as a child and as an adult. Either that or have been a part of it themselves.

Evil wins when good people do nothing and I've had far too many in my life that have done nothing!

I had every level of authority within the church abuse me and rape me saying that it's God's will! and every other person let them.

Being in a new church terrifies me because what if they're the same, what if they're just another cult like that I was raised in and then thrown into again by a different church, what if their love doesn't align with what I am still learning about.

I was crying in church today because I was terrified, all the triggers finally got to me, but for me to feel safe enough to cry? that's got to tell you something, right?

I'd like to say that fear doesn't stop me from doing much, but in fact it does, it makes me stop dead in my tracks and break down sometimes.If you knew my story, you'd understand why.The most painful thing I am dealing with right now is my fear of leadership, of church leadership, it is a fear that has gripped me and made me second guess myself more times than I can count, that pain.But courage isn't developed by avoiding fear, it is developed by facing it, and that's what I do, I face it.I'm in a new church with a new pastor and a new structure and i get faced with going through this all over again, discerning how much I can trust this guy or is he going to hurt me like 98% of the Christians that I've known in my life. There are so many people I have known and believed to be Christians that turned a blind eye to my suffering, both as a child and as an adult. Either that or have been a part of it themselves.Evil wins when good people do nothing and I've had far too many in my life that have done nothing!I had every level of authority within the church abuse me and rape me saying that it's God's will! and every other person let them. Being in a new church terrifies me because what if they're the same, what if they're just another cult like that I was raised in and then thrown into again by a different church, what if their love doesn't align with what I am still learning about. I was crying in church today because I was terrified, all the triggers finally got to me, but for me to feel safe enough to cry? that's got to tell you something, right?

@ENKELI

I wrote this 3 weeks after I first attended my current church

In response to: Re: Running

AuntGlowModerator17 Nov 2025, 9:34 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@AuntGlow

I have no idea about brands or anything, but in terms of type, you don't want satin as it slips too easily, anything with a little grip, so more of a rope type thing.

A corset is similar to a pair of sneakers in terms of how it's tied, so think more along the lines of shoelaces than ribbon.

Ah, that is really helpful to know! Thank you. 🥰

Okay, what about the cute bags - can you tell me more about those? 😍

Also, how is Jasmine feeling? Have you been able to see her again? @avant-garde

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor17 Nov 2025, 9:42 pm AEDT