Running

Thanks for sharing @avant-garde! It can feel good to write our throughs down and create poems. Please do stay connected with the communtiy here on the Forums and reach out to suport lines whenever you need a little extra support. Thanks again! RiverSeal

I can hear how this is leaving you feeling unheard and like you're not worthy of care and support @avant-garde. I think sometimes what can be hard is being a person who has a lot of faith in others, who wants be empathetic and to give second chances - it can sometimes mean we keep trying to make that connection, even if it isn't really serving us. Especially if we don't have a lotta connections in the first place. I have stayed in relationships long past them being healthy for me for the same reason.

What are you seeing him for tomorrow? What sort of interaction are you expecting?

@Jynx

He's part of my church... I either expect no interaction beyond the usual "hello" or one where he pretends to care about me...

He blames me when I try to put boundaries in place, he's lost his temper at me before and I don't want that again Jynx, I don't want that again! But when I'm triggered and walk out of church during a sermon he is usually the one to follow me out and be there and if I'm honest... with how he has treated me in the past... it makes me feel sick... like he's a predator...

@avant-garde oh hun... no one deserves to be yelled at, or blamed for putting boundaries in place. Sounds like he's pretty inconsistent, and setting off your warning bells. I can understand though that having someone who appears to be... at least trying to support us can mean wanting to ignore those warning bells, because he's meeting a need for you. Are you concerned more that your instincts might be wrong, or that they might be right?

@Jynx

I don't know what to think of my instincts right now, I don't trust my instincts when it comes to him...

That's so legit @avant-garde I was conversing with a friend about this recently - that trauma can mess with our instincts and make it hard to trust our gut.

Just a random idea - perhaps you could write down a list of both the positive and negative experiences you've had and like... tally it up? Like weigh up whether the benefits of this support outweigh the detriments, or vice versa. Sometimes patterns don't become clear until we're looking at it all laid out...

@Jynx

I've done that and they mostly come out equal

@avant-garde ahh, beans.

Perhaps that is an indicator that this is a relationship that serves a function? As in, could you show up in the relational space with a bit more 'guard up' - seek what you're needing from it without opening up your vulnerability so much? Cos like..and this is just my opinion, but I reckon that if a relationship is equal parts good and bad, it's probably not worth it. However, I know that I do have a certain amount of privilege that means I don't necessarily have to hold on to relationships that are like that.

So, maybe it depends entirely on what you're actually getting out of it - like if the positives are around getting your needs met, that can make it incredibly difficult to be able to just say 'nope not serving me, bye bye'. I can hear how tricky this is.

All the best for tomorrow hun, I should be around in the evening if you wanna share with us how it all unfolded 💜

@Jynx

That's the approach I've been taking, but trying to be guarded while extremely triggered isn't easy!

Yeah absolutely legit @avant-garde - I know when I'm outside my window of tolerance, all I'm thinking about is getting my needs met, regardless of the cost.

How was church today?