@Jynx
Rav3n and dreamy like the books too
I have to see him tomorrow... he just...
Context post: (2 links within that post for further context)
https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-space/Morning-Check-In/m-p/1761662/highlight/true#M487935
This'll be easier
Monday
you know that I get lonely?
I get lonely quite a lot
I long for company
when my cat is all I've got
I fellowship on the radio?
they know me better there
they were there when I was homeless
and they pray when I am scared
you know I get so downcast
when I reach out and I fail
you know what that says to me
I thought I mattered but I don't
you know when I reach out
and someone asks me why
I wonder why I bothered
why I dared to try
I reach out for companionship
but get met with empty arms
they ask how they can connect
dare I say "just try"
when life has run me over
and I feel all out of steam
when I try to reach out
but then let out a scream
right then I wonder why
why I tried to connect
when all it brings is hurt
and then all the regret
to feel unseen, unheard
to need purpose behind the planning
that you can't just catch up
when you're feeling out of place
with quite a hopeless track record
I wonder why I try
is it me that's something wrong?
when they just ask me "why"
to feel like you're the problem
you're not worth the time
it hurts deeply and beyond
because they don't even try
Tuesday
i could write about friendship
or injustice or in pain
I could write about leaving church
when it all just feels the same
I could write about running
or the freedom in my name
or I could write about trauma
and the lives taken away
I could write about fairy tales
or of mythical and old creatures
I could write about fears
and the bravery it takes
or I could just be honest
and tell you it's all a bit too much
how my church feels less community
somehow out of touch
I could tell you about *him*
and how I don't feel worth his time
that he sees me as a job
and pushes feelings aside
that we don't have a friendship
he sees me as a duty
friendship is two ways
and that's not what we have
it's the most subtle of the pain
when you're deemed not worth it
when you're too much to handle
that it's not worth trying
that his actions speak others words
but he's too gutless to tell you
"you're not worth my time"
"go bother someone else"
but he, he wouldn't say that
he would turn it back on me
make me feel horrible
like I'm just an old hag
that I'm so ungrateful
what do I want from him
I want to be treated like I matter
to be a friend to him
Wednesday
what does friendship look like?
I'll tell you what it's not
it's not constant cancellations
or again telling you they forgot
it's not ignoring your cries for help
or asking why you want to see them
it's not pushing you aside
or forcing you not to need them
it's not calling you ungrateful
or asking what I want from them
it's not leaving you alone
when you're feeling dead
it's not about convenience
or when they have time for you
it's not dismissing your concerns
or the hurt they've put you through
it's not scheduling appointments
like you're a tick box in their day
it's not treating you like a job
in all you do and say
it's not being paid to see you
then reporting to ones above
it's not forcing you to fit
like you're not good enough
it's not forcing expectations
of who you ought to be
it's not you sharing your heart
only then to feel blinded
it's not making you feel helpless
like there's nothing you can do
it's not telling you it's your fault
when there's nothing you could do
it's not treating you inferior
like you're not worth their time
it's not leaving you feeling worthless
every time you step out of line
that's not what friendship looks like
the things that bring you harm
friendship itself is love
loving someone's heart
