Running

@avant-garde I'm glad to hear that (not that you're feeling dissociatey, that it helps to write about it). Sometimes it's like...if the words are out in the world, they're less likely to be swirling around my brain.

Ugh, nooooo 😩 The repetitive but inconsistent noises are the worst - like when my neighbour wants to mow the lawn with their whipper snipper (so it's not a consistent engine noise, it's revving and whirring) at who-knows-what-hour! Did it wake you, or just contribute to the sensory overload? Both are very unfun.

@avant-garde I am glad that you've been able to write and express all of this. I could easily tell you that you're super brave for sharing, though I'm not sure you did it to be brave. Sounds like you have been holding onto a lot of this for a very long time.

I think it's okay for multiple things to be true. For instance, your mother's actions are understandable in the context of what she was enduring (that level of dissociation is often only seen in really severe developmental trauma) - AND her actions were deplorable and have had an incredibly traumatising impact on your life. We can hold space to be compassionate to her experiences without necessarily condoning her behaviours. Or at least, this is how I try to operate. This is of course, your story, and it's up to you how you want it to be written.

I hope that it's been a cathartic process for you hun. I wouldn't be surprised if you continue to feel a little fragile for a little while - vulnerability to this degree leaves me feeling pretty wonky 😅

Be gentle with your wonderful self. And I hope you're also proud of yourself for how you've been able to engage in this process.

I am off, catch you tomorrow if you're about.

Hugs 💜

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

@Jynx

You don't know the half of it

That was after it got pulled down, I had a meltdown, had dangerous desires, wrote intense poetry, edited that poetry, posted it, sent an email saying I was ok, was brutally honest, then made the edits and tagged you.

Brave doesn't cut it.

I kinda figured @avant-garde - why I sorta phrased it that way, cos I knew that words wouldn't quite be able to capture the enormity of this process for you.

How are you going today hun?

@Jynx

I am angry and frankly quite pissed off with the world

Very legit @avant-garde anger is an important emotion. What do you think is gonna be most helpful for moving through this feeling you reckon?

@Jynx

Validation... both with the complexity of posting it and with what I went through and still go through

For sure, an incredibly complex process to go through @avant-garde in terms both of the expression itself, and in trying to write it in such a way to ensure it's within guidelines. I think it's so powerful to share your story.

Are there parts of you feeling doubt, or regret?

@Jynx

I feel like that while in trying to stay within the guidelines, the effort it took in which to post it wasn't noticed or understood... that it hurts

@avant-garde I'm a little confused... were you hoping for more responses on your post?