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@Jynx how did you become so wise, so caring and so beautiful?! You truly are an amazing person, caring for others in a way that I wouldn't be able to do like you.
I am being boring and making sgetti for dinner. I took out some lamb shanks to slow cook and forgot to put them on in time so that can be for tomorrow instead.
In response to: Running
JynxModerator
Re: Running
@avant-garde of course hun. Sending some virtual hugs
(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡
You deserve to be able to feel like you are worthy of love and kindness. You don't deserve to be made to feel like you are hard to love, or too damaged, or too complex - because you're not. You've an incredibly kind and compassionate heart, and anyone who takes the time to listen and be patient would be able to see that.
@ENKELI aww bless, make me all blushy why don't you!! Honestly, part of it is probably the 'recovering people-pleaser' in me, who spent many years trying to stave off SI by helping other people. But mostly it's that I truly believe that love is an infinite resource - no matter what emotional state I'm in, it doesn't stop me from loving. So many people (abusers especially) think we have a limited amount of love to give, or that it comes with conditions... for me, love is all about abundance, so it's really easy to spread it around the forums, cos it's never gonna run out! Also it's doubly easy to spread love and compassion and kindness around when I have folks like you to bounce off, who also share so much goodness in the space 😉
In response to: Re: Running
avant-gardeSenior Contributor
Re: Running
@Jynx
At least I'm talking about it right?
Oh and in regards to my gender observation a few weeks ago... I don't know how to word this...
Is it just me or does hugging someone with a large bust size triggering?
One of the peer support workers yesterday wanted to hug me after what happened and I rushed out crying... after the meeting I asked for a hug and it wasn't what I expected, that well her bust was too big for a proper hug...
In response to: Re: Running
JynxModerator
Re: Running
For sure @avant-garde💜
Hmm... an interesting question! I don't think it's a trigger point for me, mainly cos other's breasts don't tend to trigger my dysphoria, only my own.
I wonder if it's because of it being unfamiliar for you, or too familiar (i.e. triggering past trauma memories)?
The desire to be held is a very human one. Perhaps what you wanted was to be held, and what you got was hugged? IDK if that makes sense...
Can chat on it more tomorrow though if you like. I hope you have a restful evening hun 💜
In response to: Re: Running
avant-gardeSenior Contributor
Re: Running
Hey @Jynx
In response to: Re: Running
JynxModerator
Re: Running
Hey @avant-garde how are you going this arvo?
In response to: Re: Running
avant-gardeSenior Contributor
Re: Running
@Jynx
I want to curl up in a corner and cry
How are you?
In response to: Re: Running
JynxModerator
Re: Running
@avant-garde difficult day, hun? Or still feeling it from last night?
I'm ok, mildly grumpy - in typical fashion there's a bunch of sportsy people playing sports in the oval behind my house. I'm happy for them, they're just very loud and shouty 😅
In response to: Re: Running
avant-gardeSenior Contributor
Re: Running
@Jynx
Last night and just writing, I'm not the kind to slow down until I have to, getting to the dissociative pressure point though... writing and posting relieves the pressure...
I was grumpy this morning with the idiot 2 doors down, his friend bouncing a soccer ball on the shared driveway even though there's a gate to the oval right next to his house. I felt like screaming "this is a driveway not a basketball court"
My mum has Dissociative Identity Disorder in conjuction with Schizophrenia that was misdiagnosed as Bipolar for my entire childhood and adolescence. What I feel for my mum is complicated, painful, and often something I ignore. But it was her birthday on Thursday, she turned 69.
Right now I don't feel love or hate for her, rather disappointment.
Her alters weren't subtle, I could kind of tell when she shifted, for the most part anyway.
She had six that I recognised • The mum: the only alter that loved me • The abuser: selfish and sexually abusive • The jealous wife: she blamed me • The absent one: she didn't recognise me • The wife: did as she was told and what was expected as a wife • The child: from when she was a little girl, confused and disoriented
When I was 4 years old is when I noticed the first shift, she was different after my dad hit her, the mum disappeared and the wife was the dominant alter, my next "mum" memory was when I was 10 years old and we went to the movies.
Mum was sweet and caring, she loved to sing the old hymns and I pretended to hate her voice because dad would get angry at her singing, but she liked sewing and using something called "hobbytex" and she loved me. She had prayed so hard for a daughter and she finally got one, me. She would walk us to school and volunteer in class, she would be a mum.
The wife was the next alter I identified... it was fast... one night mum was standing up to dad about what he was doing to me and he lost it... mum became a robot after that, cooked meals, no vegetables, just what dad wanted, then slept all day while my brothers were left to their own devices until dad got home with me and mum had dinner on the table then watched tv and went to bed. The same thing for the next 4 years.
The jealous wife showed up when we moved house when I was eight years old and dad made no effort to hide anything... she would scream and blame me, using very colourful language to her eight year old daughter, she was a frequent visitor but it was all just words.
The abuser terrified me... the most vicious... the most careless... the monster... she turned up when my dad didn't take me somewhere else to be abused... when I was left with my mum to care for her...
@avant-garde wrote:
There's a reason I can't handle anything on my face...
My mum isn't small by any stretch of the imagination... Her opportunistic alter... there was only one way I could satisfy her... She wouldn't always notice when I couldn't breathe... When I went unconscious... And I don't think she cared...
At least my dad knew CPR... at least I knew I wouldn't die... more to keep his secret than because he cared sure... but the abuser mum didn't have that control... that presence of mind to care or notice when something went wrong... it was only what I could do for her... how I made her feel... that she would often say why my dad got all the 'fun'... that she had just as much right over me and my services as he did... that she got sadistically excited at time alone with me...
I only have one memory with the absent one... when I was given a break from my dad in a shopping centre and approached my mum coming towards me, I smiled and stood in front of her and asked if I could tag along... she asked me who I was and told me that she didn't have a daughter, that I've got it wrong and carried on shopping.
The child... she was interesting... met her a few times... she asked me who I was and where her mum was, where she was, I still don't know why she came out... I was a teenager when she did though... maybe she felt safe with me...
The jealous wife and abuser were the most dominant when it came to me... the words and actions of her, it burns so deep inside that I feel sick... it's hard not to blame her for fragmenting... for what these parts of her did to me... because they were still parts of her...
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