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Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor25 Nov 2024, 10:10 pm AEDT

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor12 Oct 2025, 12:00 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@ENKELI

Sulfur, I can have it in small doses like as a preservative however when the preservative levels aren't listed (like in alcohol and vinegars) then I can't risk it. So with your spirit and wine vinegars, it's actually the the vinegar that is distilled off during the process of making the actual alcohol. It's difficult to measure the amount of preservative that is in that.

In response to: Running

JynxModerator12 Oct 2025, 3:34 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@avant-garde hiya hun

Yeah that feels really easy to cater to! Like for comparison, my dad has a garlic/onion allergy and those are in effing everything. But people still found a way to cater to him, even if it just meant keeping condiments separate - which like @ENKELI says is often better/preferred anyway!

How you both doing today anyway?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor12 Oct 2025, 3:42 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx I could really do with a hug

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator12 Oct 2025, 4:37 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@avant-garde sounds like a rough day hun, like you're feeling very brittle. Well we are here for you hun 😊💜

Do you go (back) to church today?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor12 Oct 2025, 4:43 pm AEDT

Re: Running

TW: substance abuse, sexual abuse

Content/trigger warning

My first memory of alcohol was when I was 3 years old and my dad gave me a shot of sherry.
I can't remember if the sherry became a regular thing at that point.

My dad called it liquid courage when I was 7, the whisky he drank and the sherry he gave me whenever I went to see the "down there" doctor, said it helped me to relax.

I started showing a resistance to his regime when I was 8 that increased over the next 6 years, as did the whisky in the hot chocolate or the vodka in the cordial.

It wasn't until I was 14 when I started being outright defiant that the alcohol would be a daily thing, made to consume it by force with more significantly more than your standard drink... it was then that my body started to reject it's presence...
Even though I'd been receiving alcohol for 11 years at that point the amount I ingested was so far over a standard drink that the sulfur didn't have time to be completely eliminated from my system. As a result my body learned it could use the water reserves in my body to flush it out when I wasn't able to drink enough water to eliminate it.
This in turn made this become my natural response to sulfur, a rapid and severe level of dehydration that causes me to go unconscious.

I had no sulfur for 3 years when I finally escaped my parents to then be in that nightmare called rehab who said it was a way I was attention seeking. As a result we gradually reduced the list of foods to avoid that I could then counteract small amounts by drinking more water.
I got to the point where I could handle it as a preservative in most things, but not with your fortified vinegars, medications or alcohol (including those used in soy sauce and vanilla).

This is where I am at now

My first memory of alcohol was when I was 3 years old and my dad gave me a shot of sherry.I can't remember if the sherry became a regular thing at that point. My dad called it liquid courage when I was 7, the whisky he drank and the sherry he gave me whenever I went to see the "down there" doctor, said it helped me to relax.I started showing a resistance to his regime when I was 8 that increased over the next 6 years, as did the whisky in the hot chocolate or the vodka in the cordial.It wasn't until I was 14 when I started being outright defiant that the alcohol would be a daily thing, made to consume it by force with more significantly more than your standard drink... it was then that my body started to reject it's presence...Even though I'd been receiving alcohol for 11 years at that point the amount I ingested was so far over a standard drink that the sulfur didn't have time to be completely eliminated from my system. As a result my body learned it could use the water reserves in my body to flush it out when I wasn't able to drink enough water to eliminate it.This in turn made this become my natural response to sulfur, a rapid and severe level of dehydration that causes me to go unconscious. I had no sulfur for 3 years when I finally escaped my parents to then be in that nightmare called rehab who said it was a way I was attention seeking. As a result we gradually reduced the list of foods to avoid that I could then counteract small amounts by drinking more water.I got to the point where I could handle it as a preservative in most things, but not with your fortified vinegars, medications or alcohol (including those used in soy sauce and vanilla).This is where I am at now

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor12 Oct 2025, 4:45 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx

I'm not made of peanuts so I can't be brittle

Fragile is a better word

Yeah I have church again later

In response to: Re: Running

ENKELISenior Contributor12 Oct 2025, 5:18 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx I was awake early this morning so I was pleased to be out of bed by 8 for a change. Done some washing, pottering in the garden and thinking about having a nap.

Going to make risotto for dinner 🙂

How has your day been lovely?

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator12 Oct 2025, 5:57 pm AEDT

Re: Running

I don't know if you were being funny on purpose @avant-garde but that made me chuckle.

My psych gave me this tip, to put my hand over my heart whenever I feel very fragile or vulnerable. I actually think it works, despite me feeling a bit silly at first.

I hope it's a nice service 💜

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor12 Oct 2025, 6:07 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Hey @Jynx?

https://saneforums.org/t5/Talking-through-trauma-and-PTSD/Running/m-p/1741936/highlight/true#M7446

Also yes, intending to be funny.

I tend to clutch my 'priceless' necklace when I feel vulnerable

https://youtu.be/xu5HGgrskQg?si=MVbW49APKmBu6XpN

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator12 Oct 2025, 6:28 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@ENKELI sounds like a lovely day - risotto is one of my favs too! What ummm... (dang it brain why you gotta forget the regular word and give me a French one?) accoutrements do you like in your risotto?

Hmm been wondering what to do for meal prep next, you have inspired me to make a risotto of my own!

@avant-garde ty for the context. That is so hectic, and so so awful to go through as a child. To me, that warrants more compassion (in terms of others compensating for your allergies) not less. It's like people only think well-known allergies are legitimate or something.

Hehe love that, is it a beaded necklace? I have always liked prayer beads, love that intersection of stimming and soothing, and spiritual connectedness 😊

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