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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Running

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

Re: Running

@avant-garde aww sweetie I feel so honoured. I love my bear 🫂 🤗 🥰

I've been off-line, helping mum with her nbn and a few other things.

I haven't picked up your violet yet as the nursery doesn't have them in stock but they are going to let me know when they do.

In response to: Running

Re: Running


@avant-garde wrote:

Officially named Enkeli

@ENKELI - please meet your bear, Enkeli

I didn't like her much when I won her in the Easter raffle this year (too much pink), but she has grown on me because of the memory of the Easter raffle and the dear friendships I've developed with the volunteers there. Much like you.

Officially named Jynx

@Jynx - please meet your stitch type plushie, Jynx. This one seems suitable because you can't tell what gender it is, not really anyway and has its tongue out to show it's silly side. It is lovable and soft and is similar to my @MissGremlin plushie.


@avant-garde oh my STARS 😍 THIS IS TOO CUTE!!

@MissGremlin aww bless haha you get me!!

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

Hey @Jynx?

I have questions and some things I've noticed about me that I would like to discuss with you... they're to do with gender...

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

Oh sure @avant-garde what's on your mind?

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@Jynx

Firstly, it's not to do with my gender.

I was at my Peer Support Group (PSG) yesterday and there is a non-binary PSW there... even from the beginning I got along really well with them, I've noticed actually better than with gender specific... there's a part of me that wonders why... I have a theory... I've had both male and female abuse and mistreat me... I'm thinking that's got something to do with it...

I wanted your point of view on this...

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@avant-garde could be all sorts of factors, and yeah maybe gender presentation is one of them. I can imagine rigidity of gender norms was pretty prevalent in your upbringing, so seeing someone who visibly defies that ideology could be an immediate flag that this person is not like those people. What do you think?

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@Jynx yeah they were incredibly prevalent... even now in my Christian circles, it's about women do this men do that and part of me feels like "I don't have to be that way here, I don't have to be what they expect. I can be female and not a disappointment or failure"

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@avant-garde I love that, I can feel that sense of empowerment just from your words! So powerful.

I'm not sure if you know I have a mohawk? And yeah I dress pretty odd, and very androgynous. I kinda love when I catch young kids staring at me in wonder when I'm out and about in a particularly colourful getup. Like, maybe one day they'll know they can dress however they want too 😊

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@Jynx

I kind of envisioned you with a rainbow mohawk if I'm completely honest... like in unstable unicorns...

My devotional last night was on judgemental attitudes and this is what I wrote after

how often do we see

what one has achieved

what job one has

all with physicality

when you look at me

what do you see

you would see my size

in shorts and a tee

likely hairy legs

black hairs on my face

no pride in my appearance

might think I'm a disgrace

my car is not much better

only room for just me

stuff all on the backseat

can't get into the boot

I get the comments at church

to park next to a skip bin

my car could use a clean out

judgement on what's within

I get comments on my house

that I have lots of stuff

yeah I know I get it

I've heard it enough

I've had people try and help

but we know how that's ended

me not speaking up

just shutting them out

them forcing their opinions

of how I should live

been there, done that

you're being a pr|ck

my heart is what is beautiful

but it's not that you see

you can't get past

the physicalities

I'm learning that's your problem

nothing to do with me

it is your loss

that you fail to see me

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

This is bada$$ @avant-garde heck yes!!

It's okay to be messy and human and real, and I wish more people allowed space for it 💜

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