Running

@avant-garde it's an automatic reaction, I think to prevent from getting hurt. I've always retreated from uncomfortable situations, whether good or bad.

I'm okay hon, just feeling fatigued and frustrated at not being motivated to do anything.
How are you going?

@ENKELI

Conflicted and confused...

Do you remember when I was talking about Delilah?

@avant-garde yes I do

@avant-garde aye very valid.

Oh hun, that question can hit like a tonne of bricks hey. I think it's something many folks with cmh can feel overwhelmed by, cos when you're in or trying to move out of constant-survival-mode the thought of something so distant can like, existentially slam home all our pains when we realise we haven't a foggy frickin clue. Even now this question kinda terrifies me, too. I think a bit of it is the time blindness from my ADHD, which I think is something that can also show up in C-PTSD, though I'm not sure. Seems likely, especially if there's a lot of dissociative experiences. But I digress.

Whether or not you want to actually engage in reflecting on this question is entirely up to you. You don't owe your GP or anyone else an answer, especially if it feels a bit like it might end up being far too triggering. It's okay to focus on what you need to do right here and now.

It can also be a good one to help us instill hope, build goals, and find fire to motivate our next actions. But there's other ways of finding those things too.

@ENKELI

It's been months of her sending the deacon messages of her coming in the second service and then cancelling between services and I honestly think she's not intending to come back and just enjoys playing with the deacon, but the deacon is too hopeful to see realistically what she's doing.

I only just realised last Sunday at the most recent cancellation by her.

It just makes me angry, but hopefully our new pastor can stamp out her ridiculous games.

Just needed to vent since my elder hasn't gotten back to me about listening to the theory and is now on holiday I believe

@avant-garde she sounds like she's so manipulative with her behaviour. Having a new pastor will hopefully stop that back and forth happening as she won't have the same connection with the new pastor.

I hope for your sake she stops and leaves you and your church in peace. And I pray she gets the help she obviously needs too.

I'm going offline for the rest of the night but will check in tomorrow. Being in WA of course it's 2 hours behind you.
I will be saying extra prayers for you tonight my lovely xo

@Jynx

I have dreams but I feel like I'll never get there, to have living children, work in a library, publish books, but the one dream I had of owning a home, that feels completely unattainable, unless my book becomes a best seller or something ridiculous like that.

I've been surviving all my life and I feel so far behind all the teenagers and the ones so much better off than me.

My life has always been one of running and protecting myself, who's to say I can stop now. I'm 36, unemployed, disabled, neurodivergent and with no experience. Who the heck would employ me, let alone trust me with a mortgage.

@ENKELI

Thank you 💜

I hope you rest well

@avant-garde I really hear you hun. I think there's a kind of complex grief in what you're expressing that is hard to put into words... but I hear how much this has brought up, and how rough it is to have this, idk, kinda throwaway question (maybe?) that has opened so many doors in your mind.

I think I have some memes for this but combing through my library is gonna take more time than I have. If you want, we can chat on it more tomorrow and I'll see what I can rustle up.

I send hugs, and hopefully we chat tomorrow 😊💜

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

@Jynx

I would like to chat about this more tomorrow...