Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor25 Nov 2024, 10:10 pm AEDT

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

2,411 - 2,420 of 3,558

1...241 242 243...356

In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor18 Sept 2025, 2:35 pm AEST

Re: Running

@rav3n

I have a friend helping me re-analyse it, but I think "who the heck would be attracted to me? I've been through hell, do they know what they're getting into?"

In response to: Re: Running

rav3nSenior Contributor18 Sept 2025, 4:34 pm AEST

Re: Running

@avant-garde experiencing trauma and going through A LOT doesn't change your worth!! you deserve to be loved, to be seen as a potential partner, to fall in love, to be treated well, etc.

the way i see it, trauma doesn't define us - it does impact us and shape us, but it's not who we are as a whole. you're an amazing person. you're smart, you're creative, you have a big heart. a lot of people value those qualities.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor18 Sept 2025, 9:16 pm AEST

Re: Running

@ENKELI

This is an excerpt from something I wrote back in 2020...

It was in this institution that is tied to our discussion on spiritual gifts...

TW: spiritual abuse

Content/trigger warning

This quote from Warrior Nun says it well, "but when you're punished just for being different, you begin to hate what you are. And what you love. What should make you happy. Only brings you pain."

What led them to believe that I was possessed? I talked to myself, I talked to God, I wrote poetry from a different perspective, how God (potentially) sees me.

Everything I did from then on was broken, wrong, they believed that I was free of the demon, but I never had one in the first place.

They destroyed my heart.

For so long I just couldn't write, I was so so so afraid to write, to let my heart loose onto the page.

Until I saw how wrong what they taught me was, and the passage that I kept coming back to was Matthew 12:25-28 (ESV)

25 Knowing their thoughts, he said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand. 26 And if Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand? 27 And if I cast out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your sons cast them out? Therefore they will be your judges. 28 But if it is by the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you."

It brought me to thinking that I couldn't be possessed, that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and so being a Christian, I have the Holy Spirit right? I mean to my logic, I could speak in tongues (whole other story) and so according to them I had the Holy Spirit, I was in a church and, that I was even baptised, so how could a demon reside there too? It couldn't.

It came to the point that I started to understand that if I wasn't possessed, then neither was my writing, that they were wrong and that everything I had written was destroyed as a result of their beliefs about me

For 7 years I wrote my feelings, to get everything out of my head and stop me ruminating on it, to then be told that I was possessed by a demon and everything I had ever written had to be burned. Every art work, every poem, every story, because a demon had influenced it and anything influenced could influence again.This quote from Warrior Nun says it well, "but when you're punished just for being different, you begin to hate what you are. And what you love. What should make you happy. Only brings you pain."What led them to believe that I was possessed? I talked to myself, I talked to God, I wrote poetry from a different perspective, how God (potentially) sees me.Everything I did from then on was broken, wrong, they believed that I was free of the demon, but I never had one in the first place.They destroyed my heart.For so long I just couldn't write, I was so so so afraid to write, to let my heart loose onto the page.Until I saw how wrong what they taught me was, and the passage that I kept coming back to was Matthew 12:25-28 (ESV) 25 Knowing their thoughts, he said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand. 26 And if Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand? 27 And if I cast out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your sons cast them out? Therefore they will be your judges. 28 But if it is by the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you."It brought me to thinking that I couldn't be possessed, that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and so being a Christian, I have the Holy Spirit right? I mean to my logic, I could speak in tongues (whole other story) and so according to them I had the Holy Spirit, I was in a church and, that I was even baptised, so how could a demon reside there too? It couldn't.It came to the point that I started to understand that if I wasn't possessed, then neither was my writing, that they were wrong and that everything I had written was destroyed as a result of their beliefs about me

Tongues itself was forced upon me, I had to have it, God didn't give it to me, man did. It wasn't some big spiritual encounter, it was a stupid woman saying that you're going to speak in tongues today and not speaking it wasn't an option.

But then I was apparently possessed anyway...

In response to: Re: Running

ENKELISenior Contributor18 Sept 2025, 9:43 pm AEST

Re: Running

@avant-garde thank you so much for sharing that with me. My heart hurts that you were told such evil nonsense. That so much of your beautiful work which would have been a gift from God and NOT satanic, was destroyed because of the egotistical members of that church.

I am so so sorry that you had that experience, but I am also so so grateful that you chose to still believe that God is love and not the nonsense you were taught.

I believe that Satan tried to crush your spirit because he knows how important you are to God. I am getting that you have a path ahead of you where you will continue to glorify God with your singing and your words. And we might very well one day hear you on Youtube - when it is safe for you to be there.

My mother's church is very traditional and one of the members asked me about my church. He asked if we do the speaking weirdly thing (as he put it) and I said yes we speak in tongues - to him that was not something he was comfortable with.
When I was a new Christian I made a judgement about my mum and her church and I was gently rebuked by a friend who said to me that just because her church is different to mine it doesn't make her any less of a Christian than me. I was so glad I got that correction.

I never intended to make you feel I was judging you earlier on when we first connected online and I realise how it must have made you feel, especially knowing what you've been through and I am upset at myself for making you feel judged.

No matter what, you are a child of God. And that is despite what those people tried and still try to tell you.
God is growing new vines in you xo

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor18 Sept 2025, 9:51 pm AEST

Re: Running

@ENKELI

The place was a Christian rehab...

They told me that everything my dad did to me was all lies and that God had told them so

One of my goals was to write letters to everyone I had been open with and tell them I was lying.

Another was to restore the relationship with my dad, and my family

TW: SA

Content/trigger warning

my dad visited me one weekend
They had a duty of care for me
I was raped repeatedly that weekend
On their watch...

my dad visited me one weekendThey had a duty of care for meI was raped repeatedly that weekendOn their watch...

In response to: Re: Running

ENKELISenior Contributor18 Sept 2025, 10:44 pm AEST

Re: Running

@avant-garde The human me wants to find that man and let my brother hurt him. Forgive me Lord but I want that monster to suffer. I am in tears, so angry.

Sweetheart I am so sorry you had to endure that.

My sister was involved with HillSong church and was invited to join a young womens' retreat. She was not treated anywhere near as badly as you but she bears scars from the experience.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor18 Sept 2025, 10:49 pm AEST