Running

@Jynx

Emotional whiplash, I like that term

Every year I ask the question why didn't my dad love me

@avant-garde aww hun, a painful question to be plagued by for sure. I wish I had some kind of comforting answer, but I don't want it to feel like I'm just placating or humouring you. I do feel that whatever the true answer is, it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with your worth or your inherent qualities as a person.

My birthday can get really dark @Jynx

I never sleep leading up to my birthday because this is what floods

@avant-garde a difficult knock-on effect hey, no sleep makes flashbacks and memories more prominent, making it harder to sleep... I imagine the 'attention' that we often get around our birthday can also feel quite overwhelming... like you owe your enjoyment of this day to those around you?

Which is also a demand for you to be behaving in a particular way because of the expectations associated with bdays... maybe that's triggering too, when the day has never really been 'yours'. Does that resonate?

@Jynx

Yeah...

The day was never mine

I was never mine

I put this pressure on myself to be happy because everyone tells me I should be happy

That I'm worth celebrating

But I've never been worth anything to the ones I want to matter to

And people don't let me be sad

Because they don't understand

@avant-garde perhaps it is a day you can work to reclaim? Whether that means making it a day you celebrate in YOUR way, or a day that is about making space for your grief, rather than pretending it isn't there - but making the day yours again, however is most meaningful for you. You deserve to be able to honour your needs above others' expectations of you.

Oh heck... I have been mentioning to a few folks and realised I hadn't told you yet - I am taking some time off. It kinda snuck up on me and now I feel bad for springing it on everyone that I'll be off for pretty much all of August. Sorry.

But I hope tomorrow you are able to just be, whatever you need to be - sad, angry, fiery, joyful, silly, melancholy, or just plain numb. You deserve that freedom from expectations, whether they're from without or within.

Sending many hugs, will miss you all heaps 💜

(っᵔ◡ᵔ)っ

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

@rav3n

I need help unpacking Bible study last night

hey @avant-garde, happy to help. what happened at bible study last night?

@rav3n just had a dentist appointment, it was fine, just a checkup.

So the triggering reverend was there last night and I was as I expected to be, terrified. I told C ahead of time that I would be like this and yet he still sent message after saying that it seemed I didn't enjoy Bible study.

I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to ask him if he enjoys being triggered, if he enjoys having to face someone who looks SO SIMILAR to an abuser and having to retrain his brain to see the differences

I wrote this instead

"Enjoyment was never going to be an option for me tonight. I came as much for the company (because being alone at home would have been worse) as for my recovery (proving that this guy is different)

Did I want to be there? I didn't not want to be there, it was the lesser of two negative things.

What you witnessed was fear, strong intense fear. The fact that I engaged at all is testament to how comfortable I actually am.

Did I enjoy it? No, but also didn't expect to.

Did it lay the groundwork for further healing? Yes.

What you'll find is that by challenging myself tonight it will enable me to challenge myself more in the future. To maybe even chance at talking next time.

I don't know if you quite realise how big a step tonight was for me

- reverend looks and acts incredibly similar to one of my early abusers

- I worked for 4 weeks to be able to even look at him during a service and control the images jumping into my head

- I identified 30 differences to help ground me in a church context

- I have been involved in conversation with him before at church

- this was a new context with different images, different memories.

- the pastor he reminds me of used Bible study in a selfish and dark way. I spent the night battling those images, taking notes and just trying to stay present and grounded.

But I succeeded in laying another stone in overcoming this very real trigger.

And throw in my grandmother's birthday who is the person who didn't give up on me and encouraged my faith when I wanted to give up. She didn't let me quit and me coming tonight is testament to the impact she had on my life."

I just kept thinking that I explain this over and over and he doesn't get it.

Then the actual Bible study was so hard to just sit through and there were times that I went to speak up but I was too quiet to be heard

And the fact is I hate it when reverends attend because it's less of a study and more of a sermon anyway.

wow, that bible study sounded pretty intense @avant-garde

it sucks that he didn't understand how big of a step this was for you, and i know that explaining yourself again and again would've been so exhausting. at the same time, you don't owe him or anyone an explanation of your healing journey. i am so so proud of you for challenging yourself and sitting with the discomfort - i know you're working really hard on this, and it makes sense that you'd want this friend of yours to see that.

in my experience, i've had a couple of people who, know matter how many times i've explained myself to them, they just didn't get it. although one of them later did, only because he went through something similar shortly after. i wonder if it's like that for him, maybe he's not that great with putting himself in other people's shoes?

whether he gets it or not, it does NOT erase your progress. it doesn't make your hard work less valid. did you have a self-care activity for after bible study? do your other friends understand you better?