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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Running

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

Re: Running

@avant-garde alas my TARDIS is in the shop!! I think it's out of commission for like, a couple millennia so unless you wanna wait...

😝

Yeah be happy to!! What sort of questions usually end up in it?

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@Jynx

Every round normally has a theme and each round has a few kids questions (the kids came second last time)

This year it's back to school with each round being a school subject

Last time we had space and history and Bible, so I'm more looking for topics than specific questions

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@avant-garde ooooh school subjects eh? History! Nice and easy just lotsa Ancient Egypt haha. Orrrrr .... hmmm is it even possible to make maths fun? 🤔😂

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

Hey @Jynx ? Something happened last year that I suddenly feel like talking about...

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

By all means!! Just FYI I'm going for my break so I'll be back in half an hour @avant-garde, just so ya know!

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@Jynx it makes sense that you guys get breaks

You seem far too eager to hear what I've been through... it's somewhat amusing

.... I had been attending this mental health support group at a local church... I had been going to it as my then therapist was across the road... I made friends and got involved though never had any intention of joining that church... the pastor that led the group... she was all nice and welcoming and got to know me... I shared my history with her and was comfortable enough to have her pray for me...

I was getting comfortable and my quirks started to show... my quirks frustrated her... like punctuality and punctuation (ok those two words together is a bit funny)... I was open and I made a point to tell her... she... she scolded me... publicly... over me glancing at my watch... the cheap lunch was straight after and my neurodivergent traits... well they frustrated her...

I was leaving one day and she pulled me aside and said "can you not point out my mistakes, I don't care, it's just a handout" but not as politely as I just put it...

When I followed up in an email she replied saying that I would have to change in order to be allowed back. I would have to not be neurodivergent because it bugged her...

I was still trying to grasp the fact that trauma screwed with my brain and made it work differently... that I'm neurodivergent and suddenly because of that I'm no longer welcome there...

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@avant-garde that is utterly heinous. I'm not sure if you identify as having a disability due to your ND (I do, and happy to talk about it too) but effectively, she's being ableist. You could make a complaint. Because that's discrimination, no?

Do you have the energy to do anything about it?

Also just re: my eagerness - I promise it's excitement for the process, not the details. What's shareable is bearable in my experience 💜

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@Jynx

My PTSD is considered a disability

I could but don't have the capacity at the moment, I would contact the senior pastor first, a few of my friends have experienced the same thing from her.

I don't understand your last sentence, please explain

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

Of course @avant-garde

I understood your first line; "You seem far too eager to hear what I've been through... it's somewhat amusing" to be a comment about me seeming excited to hear about crappy stuff you've experienced. I felt the desire to reassure you that I don't necessarily enjoy hearing about the stuff our members have to endure and recover from, but I do have an eagerness for the process of sharing, as it feels so healing for me when I do it, and seems to be for others too.

Does this clarify? Did I misinterpret you initially? 💜

In response to: Re: Running

Re: Running

@Jynx

You didn't misinterpret

You did clarify

... it's just... I I don't... I don't feel worth listening to... people don't often deem it... worth listening to me... when they don't listen... it tells me that I'm insignificant... that I don't matter...

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